A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, some help would really be appreciated.I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years back in October 2007. It was a very traumatic break up as he had moved abroad and started seeing someone else. He broke up with me by email. For a year my life was a blur, I was so depressed. My problem is that we were together through the whole of university, which was undoubtedly the happiest time of my life. We were in the same friendship circle, and all of my memories from uni have him in them. I couldn't even contemplate dating for 18 months after we broke up.I've been in a relationship now for a year with another guy, who is just wonderful. We have a lot of fun and I really do love him. But, no matter how great this 'new' guy is, I still think about my ex every single day. I still miss him. I still think about all of the fun times we had together. Should I get back in touch with him, or will this only hurt me more? I miss his friendship, I don't want to be back in a relationship with him, but I just have this real yearning to know how he's getting on.Does this mean deep down I am not happy in my new relationship? I am so confused :( Please help...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): I am the original poster.
Thanks to everyone for your responses. As far as I know my
ex is still living abroad with this other girl. I absolutely agree that he treated me in an awful way dumping me by email, and try as I might to put him out of my mind I do find it nearly impossible. When I am with my new boyfriend I don't really think about my ex, but here is the added complication - my current boyfriend and I have been together a year an now due to work we are doing long distance for te foreseeable future. I think because my ex ran off with another girl within 3 months of us being long distance I am scared it will happen again.
Also, I completely agree that I need to get over it and stop looking back, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I have been honest with my new partner and he has been truly wonderful and says as long as I am honest with him he doesn't mind if I get back in touch. My problem is - if I am not over my ex 3 years on, will I ever be!?
Thank you to all you wonderful people for your advice. If anyone has any suggestions I would be grateful :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): There is a quote that might help! "If they are dumb enough to let you go, then be smart enough to let them leave" don't reconnect! Your living in the past, its like when you see a professional sports team talk about the championship 10 years ago. You have to move forward the game has changed, time to move on!
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A
female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 You need to learn to let go. Let go of the past and only look forward. If you hold on to the past, you will miss out on your future. And your future might be brighter than the past but you'll never know cause you are too busy looking back.
What I'm trying to say is you have a great boyfriend in front of you now. Let your ex go so that you can enjoy what your current boyfriend has to offer. He deserves that. I know you miss your ex. and you need closure, ect. But you have to understand that this boy broke up with you through email. He didnt have the decency to end it right. He doesn't care about you. And if you were to track him down, and reminise. i guarantee you it will make him feel uncomfortable. So the best thing to do is let go. Just cherish the good times and no in your heart that he wasnt the one for you.
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A
male
reader, ljhenhmla +, writes (24 November 2010):
you are always going to think about the good times of your life and that all it should be memories because you alway have to remember that he was the one that left you. how do you know that he will be willing to talk to you. you need to concentrate on your BF who is there and treats you well.
remember the grass is not always greener on the other side.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): Four years together and broke up with you by email? Nice..
To me you still don't sound emotionally ready to be with your current boyfriend. And it isn't fair on him that you're feeling this way in my opinion. If I found out my boyfriend still missed his ex I'd be heart broken. Perhaps spending a little time away from him? It could really do you good, clear your head and help you decide what you really want.
It's up to you whether you contact your ex or not. I personally don't think it's fair on your current boyfriend if you do so though. I've experienced AND seen quite a few couples break up/fall out over just one of them contacting their ex to see 'how they how'. It could cause problems.
If I was you, I'd spend a little time away from your current boyfriend and to kill the curiosity, message your ex in a FRIENDLY matter whilst having time away from boyfriend.
Just be careful, don't get emotionally attached to your ex again and DON'T meet him. Remember, he broke up with you over EMAIL which is horrible in my opinion and travelled abroad with somebody else.
It's entirely up to you but remember also, you've only recently started to get your life on track again since the break up.
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A
male
reader, Lupus +, writes (24 November 2010):
 Is he still in another country?
But anyway, maybe its best if you let him go, he left you and finished you by email when you were together for 4 years? Thats not right.
If you do get in contact with him its probably going to cause problems. Your current BF might get paranoid and you might start falling for the ex that left you. Focus on your current BF and consider how he will feel before yourself.
If you do end up getting back into contact with eachother, do not agree to meet up with oneanother.
But it's all down to you.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 I think it means you are yearning for closure. After all, he did break up with you by E-mail (which is cowardly if you ask me).
Do you think of your ex when you are out doing things with your current boyfriend? If you do, it is a problem and I think you need to stop seeing your current boyfriend for now, just for now so you can pursue closure.
If not, it is not a huge problem. I am not sure if your current boyfriend would understand if you contacted your ex for closure though, I do think it is necessary.
You could simply distract yourself from thoughts of your ex. Force those thoughts away the moment you realize they have arisen. In this way, you will forget and move on. Perhaps you could try and immerse yourself into the moments you have with your current boyfriend.
I hope that helps.
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