A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Wow, This may be too log for some but here goes.I had been with my husband for 7 years. The last three were awful. I treated him like crap and it was as though he didn't exist. I was never intimate with him and we never even slept in the same bed. I now know that I had post natal depression. I am very stubborn and at the time didn't see how my actions were affectig him.I October 2007 he told me he was no longer in love with me. I immediately realised what I was losing and did everything I could to make amends. It got a bit better, but I knew he didn't love me the way he used to. Then I oticed he was hiding his mobile phone and new that something was going on. In Jan 08 I asked him to come to counselling with me. It made things worse and he got really snappy, started going out more than usual. I asked him to come on holiday with me and the kids. He refused, so I went anyway.On my return, when he was at work I was on the computer. I found some e-mails to a woman he worked with telling he he loved her and wanted to see her etc. My life fell apart. He left me and our kids and moved in with her.This is now Jan 2010 and since last August we have been getting on as friends. He knows I still have feelings for him. Since just before Christmas he has became much much nicer, he calls every day and he comes over maybe once a week to see the kids and when they go to bed he spends a couple of hours with me. We have been kissing and cuddling (yes I know I'm wrong for this), but nothing more. What I want to know is, does this mean anything or am I just kidding myself that he cares?Take today, my Grandma is dying and I text him to let him know. He called me to find out what was happening and said he would come over to my house later today to check up on us. I then got a text later to say he had some problem and wouldn't be over. I just felt so let down.Yes he is still with this other woman. He tells me he doesn't know what he wants. I know that actions speak louder than words and if he did have feelings then things would be different from this. I just don't think I'm strong enough to tell him to go away, maybe because he still gives me a glimmer of hope.It's a mess and I don't know what to do.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (24 January 2010):
 This is a horrible nightmare for your husband and the other woman.
Its apparent that your husband finally got fed up being ignored and treated badly, and another woman gave him exactly that which you denied him.
When the people who love us feel emotionally abandoned and left to fend for themselves, we're in effect punishing them. We're rejecting them and telling them that they're worthless.
In effect his way of coping with your failing marriage while at the same time having access to his children, was to start an affair. That's really the bottom line.
And now another woman who apparently may have some deep affection and love for your husband is being forced to face the possibilty of being hurt terribly because you've woken up finally and understood what you did.
Unfortunately keeping your husband in this marriage now is going to hurt a lot of people. I don't normally advocate breaking up a marriage but if you could treat him this coldly before, why would you want him back now?
Are you jealous of the other woman? That he was in fact worth something to someone else? Did he lose all of your respect and now because of that you're wanting to break up his next relationship rather than set him free?
Unless you're willing to devote yourself to him, literally for the rest of his life; and do so unselfishly and without any reservations whatsoever, I'd have to say let the poor guy go already.
He may love you, but he also knows you're capable of wounding him deeply enough to make him run to another woman.
This is a real tough one, but I hate to see it when someone is literally driven from their marriage so badly that they feel philandering is the only option and then try and suck that person back in, it just seems wrong.
If you two do start divorce proceedings I would suggest considering reconciling but I do not hold out hope here. If you relapse into the same state of affairs that drove your husband away, he will cheat again no ands, ifs or buts. And he will never return after that.
On the other hand, if he's happy with this other woman, it seems like, looking in from the outside, one could conclude you're just trying to hurt him again. I don't know.
Only you can honestly answer this question.
In either event I wish the both of you luck.
A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (23 January 2010):
 As crazy as it may be, this man still loves you. Men don't hang around and cuddle unless we are intrested. It can be that he is trying to get in your pants (so to say) because he has been there. This guy truely loves you.
I suggest that you and him go to counseling to make sure that you all don't blow this relationship this time around. You both made mistakes in the past. If you are willing to keep the past the past and look forward from now on out, I think that this relationship might work out the second time around.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (23 January 2010):
I don't think you should give any thought to the other woman at all. Tough luck for her; why did she start seeing your husband while he was still living with you? She was cheating you with him and things have now come full circle. I think you should go do a few therapy classes or read some self help books like A New Earth and really work on yourself, inside and out. You have a real opportunity to win him back. He doesn't want to let down the other woman since she supported him through your illness. So don't push him into anything. Just take things slow and redevelop your friendship continually. Don't always call him for problems only (eg. Gran sick, kid hurt etc). You don't want him to associate you with the negative only. Also call him for happy stuff too. E.g. Little Johnny got an A in math etc. Let him start to look forward to seeing you. Slowly over time start planning outings with you and the kids with him. Always look really good and sexy if you can. The other woman cannot compete with a man's family. Give your relationship as long as possible to develop. Perhaps the other woman will find out (like you did) and go back to whatever hole she crawled out of. That's what she gets for being part of him leaving you in the first place. If she had not had an affair with your husband and had met him after you broke up, I would have said let him go. But because she was in the way when you were trying to get counseling to save your marriage then disregard her. Don't talk bad about her or anything, just act like she doesn't exist.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): How completely, totally, awful for the 'other' woman, when actually in this situation, you are the other woman. He has been with her for three years now, after the breakdown of your marriage.
He does have affection for you... and maybe you can snare him again... so one option is to go ahead, keep at it. Use kids, use family events and crisis to get him to come to you.
The other, more honourable option, is to go get yourself a life, start dating and start divorce proceedings. That is the only way you will know for sure what is in your mind and his. And the poor woman who made the mistake of getting caught in this horrible mess will see some peace too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): Stubbornness and denile isn't just a river.....
Kudo's for your husband hanging there for 3 years while you refused to acknowledge your husband, his feelings, needs, want's desires, etc, ect, etc,,
Hum... you completely ignored him for 3+ years and now you want him to instantly give you an answer that effects HIS life for the REST of HIS life ????
That said, the healing process (whether you decide to accept it or not) has only began since Last August 2009. (remember you killed all the love he had for you prior to that)
IF Your Husband is as important to you as you say, you are GOING to have to have patience and allow that love to grow once again inside him or not. You did say your relationship has been growing since Christmas 2009 and things are improving. You need to give him more time 5 months of working on a relationship is not long, remember you spent 3 years killing that same relationship.
It will take him time to rebuild his love/trust/etc with you. AND that is TOTALLY dependent on YOUR actions/behaviors.
IF the situation were reversed,,, How long would YOU TAKE in DECIDING whether to return to him or not ?????????
P.S. hope it does work out and you and your Husband sucessfully rebuilds your lives together. And,, if it doesn't always remember Stubborness and DENIAL are not always a good combination in any future relationships you may have.
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