A
female
age
41-50,
*arterw
writes:Okay here goes nothing!!! For the past two years I have had a friend with benefits. I know I know I should have dodged the dang bullet two years ago when I ran into the guy at a dive bar. One thing leads to another and here I am...two years in and possibly even more confused now. We have been up and down....One evening I was joking him saying "I am sure you are a little ladies man" wouldn't be surprised if you have a massive little black book that you dial up......He got livid about this and I found out 3 months later he ran into my roomate both wasted and hooked up. I confronted him and he informed me he had not fooled around w/ anyone, but when I accused him he thought he would prove a point and fool around w/ my roomie. Frankly I don't think he is playing with a full deck of cards on that one. I stopped talking w/ him and he started contacting me a month or so later apologizing ectra. Ever since then I felt like I owed him nothing we continued to hook up again and, but I would inform him of dates that I was going on. He would shrug it off and say I would be back after the date.....I am trying to put this in a nutshell but so much has happened in the past two years so bear w/ me. About a year ago he told me I was "breaking him down" and he was "falling for me" however he was tipsy at the time and retracted the statement when sober..... Now this year the past 3 months we have been getting closer and closer he has told me his buddy now calls me the "girlfriend" He calls me daily just to shoot the breeze and asks me to go boating w/ him or come help clean his boat. I am not sure where to go w/ this...he is super guarded and very very emotionally closed off. I don't want to scare him off and have already months ago brought up that i liked him... he has brushed it aside, but as of late it seems like it has changed. I am not sure if it's changed because I now live like 10 blocks from his house or that I have become more relaxed and just let him do what he does instead of ripping his head off when he pisses me off. So I guess the long and short what should I do? If I tell him i am interested in and want a monogamous relationship I am worried that will have him close up all over again....I also want to know if he is starting to like me. I am fully aware that this story makes me look like a total ass hat for many reasons but I would love to hear your input!!! thank you!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): My daughter is in a friends with benefits relationship. She is nearly 20 and this has been going on now for almost 2 years. I really would like to thank "happy14" for his fantastic analysis and recommendations. I think arterw has been given brilliant advice and I hope she takes it. He is not going to change, believe me, he is a player.
I have been trying to give this same advice to my daughter but she is blind to all of the pitfalls. It is so hard to stand by and watch the eventual train wreck that will undoubtedly happen as a result of this "relationship". My daughter's guy refuses to come to our house (she still lives at home). He tells her that as they are not in a relationship he doesn't want anything to do with our family. It is very very sad.
A
female
reader, carterw +, writes (17 June 2010):
carterw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBwhahahahha I love it!! Perfect point to bring up!!! Heaven forbid I burn the roast!! Sweet jesus.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (17 June 2010):
 This guy goes and hooks up with your room mate as a means if getting back at you? Exactly, WTF is THAT? A revenge...hit that?
This is a whole encyclopedic set of facts that speaks volumes of his character as well as raising many a question, for example:
why would you NOT want to send this guy packing, fast..like yesterday?
Heaven forbid you settle down with him and you burn the roast! What sort of revenge statement will that bring?
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A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (17 June 2010):
 It seems the one thing some woman does not get is that men CAN AND DO have sex WITHOUT FEELINGS, Look what you have done to yourself, woman cannot have long-term sex without feelings, and you are not wired that way. I am not saying some woman cannot have flings (such as swingers) and control that emotion but for the most part, NO-there are feelings eventually. It is always the same, we have had sex for 2 years and now I want to date and he doesn’t-why? I know what I just said may seem kind of harsh but turning this around is going to be difficult. Yes he has some feelings for you, but yours are so much stronger and I hope for you this works out. You NEED, for YOU, to make your feelings known to him, as you have already tried Look at his view point 1) I can go where I want at anytime, no woman to ask permissinion from 2) when I get horney I just call you, 3) no ties for me AT ALL, 4) I can still date other woman anytime I want and if you have a problem with that I just say “we ARE NOT COMMITTED” 5) I’m single and get the female feelings and emotions when I need or want them, any other time I just walk away. 6) I do not do not really have to worry about her feelings or her self-respect. –You on the other hand 1) constantly worry about does he like me enough to be with just me 2) does he respect me 3) Can I take what he says about his feelings towards me as gospel 4) I think I’m falling in love, does he or will he ever feel the same---Everyday for the rest of “friends with benefits” you will be asking yourself these questions-And when it ends, as it will, will it be because he wants me exclusively (can I trust him to be that way after our past?) or does he want me out of his life because I have feelings for him and he thinks I’m being “clingy”-As long as this roller coaster goes on you will never let yourself feel close to another man to form a relationship, why, because in your mind you already love him, don’t you? If you have any doubt think about the past men you have dated and ask yourself what kind of competition did you put them in when you started dating? They already had to compete with another man who you feel is perfection-- You have a tough decision to make—PS-Woman do NOT break men down PERIOD-If we have feelings for you than we have feelings for you-how we advance those is different with all men-Don’t think that as long as he is getting benefits that one day he will wake up and say “OK I’m broken down-I love her now or I want to start dating her exclusively-Life and relationships never work that way and for good reason-we fall in love, we fall in love because we respect and want that someone special in our lives forever NEVER because we have been broken down-Make a tough call, I mean a TUFF CALL and decide what you want and need for your life to be happy, a part time relationship or a full time committed one where you are his world and he NEEDS you in it 24/7 not between 6 and 8 pm.
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