A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For two years - from the time I was 17 to 19 - I was involved with a man 20 years older than me. It was strictly an online relationship and I never saw him in person. Six months ago I finally saw him for what he was and dumped him, and haven't spoken to him since. At the time this "relationship" started he knew I was not legally an adult. He also knew I was hiding the "relationship" from my parents, and didn't really have a problem with that.This man claimed to love and respect me but he would not take "no" for an answer, and would pressure and guilt-trip me into participating in the sexual things he wanted to do, even though I didn't want to do any of it. Thus everything we did was technically consensual. As a naive 17/18 year old I thought that I just needed to get used to the sex stuff and that something was wrong with me if I didn't want to do it.When I was still 17 he gave me a detailed description of the way he wanted to go down on me. I was freaked out but pretended to like it. He talked me into taking off my clothes and rubbing my breasts on webcam. After I turned 18, he insisted on showing me pictures of his "appendage," telling me how much I secretly wanted to see it. He convinced me to watch him masturbate on webcam - I found it extremely gross and unappealing. He also insisted that I talk dirty to him, even though he knew that I had no experience - I'd never even been kissed. When I told him I was uncomfortable with dirty talk, he would let it go for a day or two and then start pressuring me again, and finally I gave in. I didn't feel any kind of intimacy or even arousal from the sex stuff we did - I just found it very vulgar and felt low and shameful for participating.I won't even go into the emotional manipulation this man pulled on me. Typing all this makes me feel so sick and angry with myself. Six months after calling it quits with him I'm still haunted by this stuff, and I don't know if that's normal. I have no desire to date, and I find the idea of sex and penises kind of repulsive - it triggers a knee-jerk reaction in me. I've been questioning whether I'm actually asexual, or just disgusted by sex because of my bad experience with this loser, and wondering if I should go and talk to a professional at this point or wait it out and see if it gets better.But I don't know if I can call what happened sexual trauma. For the majority of the time it was happening, I was legally an adult, and I said yes to all of it, so it doesn't fit with most of the sexual trauma, like child abuse and rape, that you hear about. What do you think?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 June 2012):
 I'm glad you saw him for what he is. A USER and a total sexual predator. The man "groomed" you to do his bidding.
I would say it was traumatic in more ways then sexual. The fact that you are having a hard time dealing with it and what happened.
I hope you find a counselor/therapist who can help you. I think the link C. Grant provided is a GREAT start.
**hugs**
I also want to say that it makes TOTAL sense for you to feel asexual right now. It's a way of having some control in your life. Hopefully at some point in your life you will find that not all men are creep like that, and that there are PLENTY of good guys who will respect you and love you.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 June 2012):
 Yes, I think sexual trauma is an appropriate term. Check out this site -- I think you might find it helpful:
http://www.rainn.org
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A
male
reader, downonmyluck +, writes (2 June 2012):
hi, I'm sorry to hear that you had to go thru all of this! But I think you should go get some counseling for yourself, rather than waiting around to see if things should get better for you. And yes I would call it sexual trauma. If you cannot afford to go see a counselor on your own, you might try calling a rape type of counseling center or something along those lines. Try looking in your phone book for such types of places. Or maybe try some kind of hotline in your area that deals with such things. As far as being able to afford it, I feel it's a shame that you might have to pay out good money out of your own pocket for something like that. It makes me feel bad when something like this happens...I feel the say way about someone having to go to the hospital for treatment after being a victim in a robbery or something. I mean, it's too bad the cost is passed on to the victim rather than having the "no-gooder" having to pay the costs. I wish you well!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2012): I went through the same thing when I was 14 and the guy was 18. He manipulated me emotionally. Although I found him physically gross, I relished the attention he gave me. So I would forcefully send him provocative pictures of myself. Keep in mind how young I was. This continued for 3 years, I was in an online world and nobody could pull me out. I called everything quits like 4 years ago and have been happy ever since. Don't dwell in it. Yes it was abuse, but the internet is a dangerous tool and sadly many do get away with sick perversions. Think of it as a lesson, to be less naive, and to learn how to say NO. Have respect for yourself, nobody, absolutely NOBODY can force you to participate in sexual activities you don't want to do. I'm a survivor of online abuse and physical abuse. I said yes because I didn't know you were allowed to say no. Don't feel gross, don't feel guilty. You were a victim of manipulation from an old pervert. He will get his turn in hell, don't worry. Sadly, I still think back to the webcam days and wonder if I had been recorded and posted online... But once again, lesson learned. Move on and don't think about it.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (2 June 2012):
 I would think so. I'm not an expert, but he emotionally manipulated you into doing things you did not want to do that were sexual in nature!
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and I'm very glad that you are not in this situation anymore!
Never be with anyone who has to convince you or guilt trip you into anything! (Although I'm sure you already know this)
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