A
male
age
51-59,
*ailfast
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm 41 and I've only ever had close friendships. Well, that's not quite true as there has been the occasional intimate encounter (and I do mean "occasional"!). I'm told I'm attractive. I'm no oil painting I know, but women seem to love my emotional awareness. Unfortunately, throughout my life I've kept falling for unavailable women. I know this is an avoidance mechanism. I've been in therapy since 1992 but have yet to achieve a relationship. The problem is that on those rare occasions when real closeness becomes a possibility I start emotionally "throwing up", so much so that my life grinds to a halt. I find I'm unable to function, such is my fear. It makes for a very rough ride for whoever I try getting close to, as you can imagine. So my question is this. Does there come a point where you just have to say, "relationships just aren't working out for me, it's not meant to be, I've done my best" and stop all efforts at finding a mate? All the time I'm spending energy and brainspace attempting to achieve intimacy I'm not spending time on other activities which give me pleasure. I don't want to get to the end of my life having failed at relationships, but not having made a real success of anything else either! Recently, I've got so fed up of being on the rollercoaster that all I want to do is be on my own.Any thoughts anyone? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, railfast +, writes (10 December 2007):
railfast is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for responding. Have done a lot of reading on the web these last few days. It's clear that I'm dealing with some serious abandoment/enmeshment issues. I've never had a relationship. The most I've ever achieved is that ambiguous dating phase. But somehow since I wrote my post last night I've shifted. I've realised that all I can do is to be honest with anyone wishing to get close. That may lead me to remain single, but at least I'll be acting with integrity. In the meantime I'll focus on being there for me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): I know what you mean. And lets face it while a close and caring relationship is wonderful (but how many people actually find one?)troublesome relationships (and most seem to be)are agony.
It's possible to have a great life without a romantic attachment. I've reached that stage (after so many disasters and much mistreatment). I no longer long for or look for 'the right one' for me and feel immensely free.
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A
female
reader, huneygyrl  +, writes (10 December 2007):
 It sucks when you're attract to those who are already taken. Unfortunately, it most cases, people think that's all right. They think it's more of a challenge however, it's wrong. They know it's wrong but they still go for it.
Anyway, what if the problem isn't you? People are different when it comes to relationships.
What is the longest relationship you've been in?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): Well, I have to say that you shouldn't give up entirely. I am a relationship optimist, though, so bear that in mind.
I have a friend who's in a similar situation to you and is close to your age, and what I would suggest to you (as to him) is get on with your life and stop actively looking for someone. Although it seems oversaid, it is normally when you're not looking for someone that a relationship will fall into your lap. It will be badly timed, screw up everything, but be worth it - even if it's not long term!
If you stop thinking about being single and just concentrate on yourself as a whole person, and not half of one, things should start to get better. I can't offer any advice on how to overcome your intimacy issues, so I'm sorry. My optimist says that when you find the right person, you'll overcome it. =)
Good luck. x
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