A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:To keep it brief, i dated my ex about 13-14years ago, only for a month.I was 17 she was 15, we only ever kissed, I split up with her and apparently broke her heart.She's recently gotten back in touch with me online and we caught up with the past 10 years or so.We're both in relationships now, both have 2/3 kids, she's getting married next year - yet now we cannot stop thinking about eachother or talking to eachother.It's crazy because we dated such a short time, I'd wondered how she was over the years but never thought about getting back together especially as I was the one that ended it, until I saw a picture of her and my heart just sank.Whilst neither of us wants to leave our families (if we had no children we've both admitted we'd be together) it is apparent that we seem to be in love with eachother and it's all we think about from the moment we wake to the moment we sleep.I guess I can't ask for advice on what to do, only we know and for now i've said we should give it time, we've only just gotten back in touch and we have years ahead of us which could be as very good friends or possibly more should fate decide that, just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation.I could never hurt my kids, but i don't want to wake up 70 years old and regret letting someone go that I obviously am deeply in love with... arghh!!!
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male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (14 December 2007):
 Hey - Yes - I do understand. I am trying to get you to see the situation in reality. You have gone from being a logical guy to someone who's feet are not on the ground anymore.
You might feel you are dying, but I know it's a bad feeling. Instead you want to give that bad feeling to your partner and to the kids.
Some people go through their life knowing they could have spent some of their life with another. They don't. They are strong. They make a sacrifice and make the best of it. They do it for the sake of others who did not deserve the turmoil and pain that would result.
If you have the logical streak, work this out on paper. Use all factors including emotion, and put measurements in using a scale of 1-10. Plot the number of years peoples lives that will be affected. Say you are 33 now, will live to say 70, so 37 years left.
Take care
Richard
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand and appreciate all of that, but I'm dying inside here, I don't know which way it will go because I won't force it either way right now, my heart is a messy place right now.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (14 December 2007):
Of course it would make it easier for you. You start to behave unlovingly first, then unreasonably until she starts to react, then you justify that for more bad beahviour on your part. She does the same. Eventually, she makes the decision to split. Now you can blame her; it's all her fault.
But really you have caused it.
Meanwhile, the kids, who you say you could never hurt are getting hurt. You and your partner will have some terrible rows when all this starts to happen. Your kids will start to think what's happening to Mummy and Daddy. They will be frightened and confused. Why is this happening, they might wonder.
Because Daddy wants it to happen is the answer.
Look , you're are going to do what suits you. All I will tell is sometimes we have to make sacrifices. Sometimes it's just not worth it just to ratchet-up your own state of happiness one or two notches. You gain a little bit more happiness; your partner gets a triple helping of heartache; your kids get large dollops of confusion and fear. They also do worse at school. So they don't get as good a life or career. And all because..............
It's your choice what you do.
Richard
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think if my partner left me it would make it easier for me, that she made the decision to split and not me, I don't want to put anyone through pain.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (14 December 2007):
I see that you want to leave it to fate/time. I did mention the dangers of this approach in my last paragraph.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen we're together (just together, nothing more nothing less) it's as if we are one, I'm a pretty logical guy but no matter which way I try and think about the situation and why my heart aches so much - I can't understand it - from the moment I wake until the moment I sleep, she is on my mind all day everyday and I know that I am on hers.If we didn't have children we'd be together in a heartbeat, but we could never leave our children or put them through the pain of parents seperating, we just don't know how we will cope over the years when we struggle to get through days that we cannot see eachother.I am in despair and I can only leave it to fate/time for the answer.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (10 December 2007):
Hi buddy - I'll give you my view. We make choices as we go through life. You made a choice not to be with this girl originally. You made a choice to have kids. They depend on you to some extent. I think you have to weigh up how much disruption and unhappiness you will cause to other people, just to ratchet-up your own happiness one or two notches.
Another point I would make is you don't suddenly wake up at 70 years old. You progress through life with different things being important at different times. Right now she is important to you. When you were 17 she wasn't. Your present partner was important to you at some point.Phases.
Addressing your question, of course other people have been in similar situations. Relationship dilemmas with marriage and kids happen all the time. That's life. Just read some of the questions on this website. As you rightly say only you can make the choice. All the time you delay though, your present partner will sense something. How it affects her is difficult to tell. Women are sensitive in this area. She may use it to justify an interest of her own. And before you realise, everything comes tumbling down. So think carefully and then decide.
Good luck
Richard
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo you completely misread it, at 17 the age gap with someone who's 15 is nothing - 2 years, your comment reads like someone who thinks it's perverted which sickens me (i'd only just turned 17 also, my current gf is 4 1/2 years older than me, what does that make her! :P) and as I said straight away it was never about sex, all we ever did was kiss, nothing more nothing less. I wouldn't say she looks amazing or anything now either, but we connect in a way that neither of us do with our partners, and I can say how she feels too because we've talked about it a lot already - so no, it isn't just ME thinking about sex or how good she looks or what *I* want.
Neither of us are married either, and my heart sank because I genuinely missed her, even though we only dated a very short time, the fact she was my first girlfriend probably helped with that.
She came to find me, and she did, so it's not about doing what I want, this was started by her but the way I felt about her back then has come flooding back and I'm hooked, trust me I'd like to just say "yeah ok nice seeing you but..." but I can't.
We had a good relationship, but were also young, so maybe it feels like we have unfinished business/never gave how we really felt a chance because of the age thing, well now we're both grown up...
Anyway, i'm just throwing it out there to see who has had similar experiences and what happened with them, I'm not looking for you to tell me it's wrong or right because it's different for everyone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): Can't ask for advice? well you're getting it.
There's alot you aren't saying here or perhapps you truly don't know alot of things and that bothers me. The first is what exactly is the reason your heart sank when you saw her picture? Was it becuse you remember how good your relationship was with her or was it because you saw how hot she looked and feel you've been missing out on something? Another thing is are you maried? Because if you are then there is no question that you need to let this ex go. There is one more thing you said that troubles me the most, the age differnce. You were 17 and dating a girl only 15? There is something wrong with that I think. It that type of relationship the girl is always going to be unresaonably attatched to the guy. (Thats why her heart broke fyi) And also, this kind of relationship is usually formed for a bad reason. What was your motive with her? Sex? If it was, has that changed? If it hasn't changed you shouldn't even be talking with her. And don't get confused here, you said you can't stop talking to each other but that could be for many reasons not limited to "love". Being reunited with an old friend is amazing and you both have much to say but this shouldn't be confused with actual interest in you. Just becaus you want her don't assume she feels the same way. And what are you talking about anyway? How is her relationship with her fiance? Don't ruin a perfectly good relationship to be marriage just be cause you feel you are in love.
It seems to me that you just want people to agree with you and say they have expierenced the same thing as a way of justifing yourself. But seriously consider your ex. Is she truly in love with you? And I mean love not she likes to be with you and is flirty with you.
My advice is to simply let her go and let HER do what she wants not what you want.
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