A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,This may not be the right place for my Q but I thought I'd ask it anyway.My father very suddenly collapsed and died in my arms over 20 yrs ago although it feels like yesterday. Each year on the anniversary of his death (today) I always feel very sad/down.Question is, does the pain every go away?...As I get older it seems to get worse every year. How do others cope with it?Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): The birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc., are all the difficult ones.
That also fades with time as you remember the better things more and the loss becomes less acute.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All,
Thnaks for your comments.
97% of the time I am ok. Its just the anniversary of dads death, Xmas & his B'Day that I feel the pain/down.
I was just getting to know him. We didnt get on during my late teens as I wasnt a A* student & was too busy partying. He became v ill during my final yr @ Uni. I passed my degree with a decent grade, but didnt go to my graduation ceremony as he was very ill.
He needed new kidneys, but he wouldnt accept one from me & my brother. He collasped very suddenly in my arms. I gave him mouth to mouth resussitaion untill the paramedics arrived. They took him to hospital where he was pronounced dead.(later found out that it was from a blood clot that had travelled to his brain)
Thanks for yr messages once again. I am much much better today. Yesterday was a really crap day for me @ wk on top of his anniversary.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Hi
You are holding onto the wrong memory,replace the heartbreaking one with a very special one and retrain your mind...how would your father like you to remember him.
I do understand because i once had last visual memories of somebody i loved very much in the chapel of rest and it haunted me,i could not see any other image and i had to change this. I was doing him an injustice by remembering the death of his physical, he had life and vibrance and was not an empty shell....give him new life by remembering his life and celebrate it. As you get older and years pass they are not getting further away from us as such , we are actully getting closer to them so think on and celebrate your life aswell.
spunky monkey
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A
male
reader, escribanus  +, writes (29 September 2010):
 The pain will strat fading as soon as you stop grabbing it. Get over it, stop feeling guilty for being alive, forgive yourself, writte a letter to your loved one who died and send it in your mind, let him go to rest with god.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Yes, this is the right place for the question.
No, it will not really "go away", but it does change over time. I deal with dying people and their families as a large part of my work. You need to go to a grief support group, hospice agencies can refer you if they don't have one themselves, and you don't have to have had a family member on hospice to attend.
Talk, openly, with others who have been through this.
I take care of a woman who is 90, her father died when she was 25 years old from a brain tumor (65 years ago). She says, "I have thought of my father every day since he died." However, as she has aged, she has been grateful to have had a good father, been loved, and looking back she remembers the joy of "what was".
If there is a history of neglect, abuse, or a troubled difficult relationship, it is much harder for people, because they often think of "what might have been" as "what was" is difficult to think of.
Go to a support group. It will help in either case. It will help much more if there was a difficult relationship history and unresolved issues existed at the time of his death.
Get help, don't do this alone.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (29 September 2010):
 I'm so sorry for your loss...I lost my dad three years ago and think of him every day. Shards of pain stab at my heart when I do and I can say that the pain never fully goes away. But, my dad was a happy man and to see me cry always made him unhappy. So, when I think of him, I think of times from my childhood when he'd throw me in the air to make me laugh, when he'd tell jokes, and when he taught me about the best books there were to read. I see his face in mine, in my brother's and I know he's not truly gone. We carry him in us. I started a journal after he died where I wrote to him and that helped me so much...I talked to a counselor for a while. But sharing memories with my family helped most. We laugh and I don't feel alone in my grief because they love and miss him too. I'll miss him for as long as I live but I know he wouldn't want sadness. I try and live to the fullest, love and laugh to the fullest and have the kind of life, be the kind of daughter he'd be proud to have. I hope you find peace and joy.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 September 2010):
 Yes, the pain will go away .... if you let it.
Think about what your father would want, for you to be miserable and unhappy or for you to celebrate his life, would he prefer to be remembered with tears or with laughter. Try and remember the happy or funny things that happened with him, or about him, write them down, and when you start getting sad or feeling morose, read the stories.
Oh, it took me almost 20 years to stop feeling sad around the anniversary of my father's death.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (29 September 2010):
 Have you considered going to therapy? It is very helpful for dealing with grief.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (29 September 2010):
The pain will never go away unless you let it go. No matter how sad or down you get, it will not change what happened.
Be happy and thankful that you had him for as long as you did. You got to know your father or even spend time with him.
There are many out who has never seen there father and never will.
I am sorry if I sound heartless... But life does not sugar coat anything for us. Find happiness in sad times, so that when the happy times come...how happy will those times really be.
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