A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:10 years ago I met a woman that gave made my heart race and gave me butterflies in my belly. We began dating on and off for several months but just as things were about to get serious she had to move away to grad school. The two of us had outstanding sexual and emotional chemistry but we were young and werent sure whether we should put our schooling on hold to see where this relationship was going. I think neither of us wanted to really address these feelings at the time and rather than deal with a long distance relationship while we were both in grad school, we kept things friendly and talked on the phone from time and talked of seeing each other some time soon. I think both of us took for granted that our relationship was not finished but just on hold. In the meantime we would date other people and maybe someday we'd be together again. Months later she called me to tell me she was pregnant by a guy she had met at school. She didnt know what to do. She barely knew him and she called me because we still had a budding emotional bond that we both felt was unresolved. I wasnt going to tell her not to keep the baby, but secretly I'd wished that it was my child. Fast forward... She decided to marry him. I was sad but I had to move on and so did she. For the sake of her marriage and the child I kept away for the most part. I've spoken to her 3 times in the last 10 years and every time the butterflies come back. We once talked ever so briefly of our forbidden love but I felt it was a bad Idea to dredge up old feelings that can only be bad for her relationship with her husband. Now 10 years later I am about to be married. The butterflies for my fiance are different they arent as sexually charged and intense as with the ex. At the same time my ex calls me to "catch up" and tells me that she is considering getting a divorce. (which is no surprise considering how it began) I still have feelings for this woman that are undeniable and once again the butterflies the rapid heartbeat. I cant tell her to leave him and be with me. I dont want to be the catalyst for their divorce and breakup a family with three kids. So here I sit on the verge of marrying a woman I love and cherish and thinking of the woman that might have been. The one that got away. I keep telling myself get over it, move on, but I keep wondering... So my question is this... Is this unusual? Does everyone have doubts about getting married and think about past relationships? I love my fiance I want to be with her so why do I have these doubts?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 Perhaps you never really moved on, and are marrying this girl just because she was there with you. As the "second best" woman in your life.
The first thing you need to do is think very carefully whether you really love your fiancée. You shouldn't marry her because there was nobody else around. She deserves much better.
After that, you need to think about your former love. I'm afraid that I will influence your ideas about your fiancée, but the road ahead with your former love is too difficult. You would need to break up with your fiancée; she would need to divorce; you two would need to be a good match NOW, not in the past; and then her children are to be considered, too. I think it's highly unlikely that you will ever be with her.
Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): It is not unusual. I'm the majority of men and women have been here, and always wonder "what if?"
The best we can do is be planted in the now, and continue with the current plans. Even though she did this, and we see how it ended up, who's to say that once your in the situation as husband that these butterflies will also go away. Stay with what you know!
Every so often, I do think about a few different girls I dated. I decided I will remember the good times and realize they are in the past and should stay there, for I don't need any drama in my life today.
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