A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been living with my wife for the last 16 years, married since 10. Two years ago, I realized I did not love her any more and had to do something about it (ie. had to separate). We separated for about two months. She was broken hearted and I felt terrible about it, because I do have a lot of affection for her and she's such a wonderful person.At the same time, while having a drink with a friend to talk about this problem (before temporarily separating) I met by chance a women, a friend of that friend, who had been living separated form her husband for the last six nonths or so. We got romantically involved, but nothing really happened, it was only on the emotional side. We met three times and she got back with her husband.It's possible we felt close because of our similar circumstances. Not sure. Anyway, after two months of separation, I got back to my wife. I felt a lot of guilt, but I knew I did not love her as before. I thought that having a baby might somehow fix things, as she had always wanted one, not me, as I was always pushing back this project.I know this is probably the stupidest thing to do, but I thought it would be terrible for her if she would not end up having a baby because of me (selfish thought?). And at the same time, having a baby would make us closer.It did for a while, as we had a baby last year who's now almost one year old.I thought I had almost all forgotten about what had happened, too busy taking care of our fantastic toddler.But then, more than one month ago, as I was having dinner after a meeting, I met this woman and we got involved into very interesting conversations. Circumstances were that we were the only ones comfortable speaking English (we're both non native english speakers living abroad), so we naturally got interested into speaking to one another. We were seating at the same table.When the dinner finished, I could not help thinking about her, and the following days, I tried to find her details on the net. I thought I had to meet her at least once, to check if what I had felt on this day was real or not. For it had been very strong.A week after, we met by total chance as I was going to deliver some paperwork at the administration in the campus where she lives, and we ended up spending the day together, talking and having coffee the whole afternoon, and having simple dinner together in the student's restaurant (she's a PhD student).It was one of the most enjoyable time of my life. Although 'nothing happened', I really felt at peace with myself, and feeling as if I could have this discussion the whole night.She also seemed to enjoy herself, as she was the one to suggest I stay for dinner.Since then, we met a few times. Just having long conversations about various topics, but it was always very enjoyable. I started emailing her almost daily, and letting her know how special I thought she was, and complimenting her on many things. I thought she would not reply to me at some point, but she always did. She also unexpectedly showed support to me on the morning of an important interview I was having, by sending me a text message two hours before. And she also did the same when she learned I was on campus, suggesting we meet, which I couldn't.I went further and wrote her how I felt about her. She knows about my situation from the start, as I was introduced as a married man with a child. So it's not about hiding anything to her. Of which I'm glad.It took a while, but she replied, saying there were many questions to which she did not have answers, but that she would not turn away from me (whatever that means).She also hints she's willing to meet again, saying 'talk to you soon'.I know I was abrupt in my way to approach her, but I could not stand it anymore.But right now, the thing that worries me most is whether she loves me or not...I think I do. People might call it infatuation, it's possible, but I know how I feel. Based on this, what would you think?It's not a question about cheating on my wife, this is in itself a major issue, I'm aware of this and feel guilt everyday for it. This woman is not younger than me, we're of the same age, 38. So it's not about finding a younger woman once your wife's charms have faded (I don't think it is). I would love to have some feedback on this. As I said, there are several major issues, so people might decide one rather than the other. What interests me here first is maybe the female view on what might go on in the mind of this woman I fell in love with.And I'm not looking for scolding please. I really come here for advice. I already know what is 'right' and what is 'wrong' about what I'm doing.Thanks to all.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): Author of question writing.
Well...first about this women I fell in love with. She now knows what are my feelings for her. I've let her known in several occasions, and that I'm "serious" about getting into a relationship.
She showed me she also had feelings for me, although it didn't go to the extent of saying the "I love you" mantra. But when someone tells you she gives you a gift "with her heart", and that she does not know what shes need more to add than what she's already said about the way she feels, it sounds like it's pretty much close.
But she would not get involved into a relationship with a married man. Which I totally understand...But since I'm mentally quite gone from my marriage, I suppose it's hard for me to accept that I am not behaving responsibly towards my wife and kid.
I'm pretty devastated by my feelings about my marriage, that I don't see going anywhere, the feeling of guilt towards my family, and the sense of despair coming from this extra-marital love that is going nowhere.
I know the answer though.
It's clear that, as has been written by someone, that I need first to decide what I want with my marriage. For example put an end to it, inflict a lot of pain on everyone and start anew from this point.
Because that's the main issue and starting point. If I loved my wife (I wish I could) I would not have fallen in love so deeply with the other woman.
But this one would only consider any kind of love relationship if I were not married. I suppose she can be praised for that, although I also feel that she used a lot of seduction while already knowing I was married with a child...
Only then will it be possible to consider what to do next.
And it's not even sure (of course) that this woman will still be there for me...chances are she will not.
So it's up to me now to see what I will do. It's really painful and depressing. I can't move right now. I feel paralized. I'm not ready yet to solve this problem in any kind of way, but I don't intend to wait too long or people will get even more hurt in the end.
I don't know if anyone here feels like commenting...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): From the author of the question.@ the last anonymous female writer.A lot of what you've said is true, although you seem to be quite judgemental based on the little you know of my situation. But since you obviously have to base your view on what I wrote... That's precisely because I don't want to cheat on my wife that I'm thinking hard about leaving her...which is not an ideal solution for anyone anyway, but maybe the 'less worse'. Some people can control their feelings and spend their whole life in a relationships they are not happy with, for the sake of their partner, or their child, or any other reason they think is better than putting an end to it.Some people find it difficult, or impossible. I have enormous respect for my wife, that's why I'm envisaging this break up. She would not like that I stay for her sake or our baby's. I know her. We've been together for the last 16 years and is/was my first and only love. I also have a lot of affection for her, more than you can possibly even imagine. It breaks my heart to think I might end up hurting her. Which I am sure I'm doing these days because of my absent-mindedness.The Japanese lady is another story. I will probably end up alone. I know it. It's not like I'm playing around, I'm just trying to be true to myself. I can understand you don't like what I'm expressing, but there's nothing I can do about that. Is it worth looking for 'the one' or not? A chimera? I'll you when I find her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2009): well , if you do not love your wife then release her. you have started your afafir in any even so why not end this marriage. your heart and emotiona are not in it anyway. i believe it is not too late for your wife to move on with someone else. i believe your wife is young enough and she will survive the breakup of this farce of a marriage. she will mourne the loss of her marriage but she will move on to better and more appreciative man. i believe that she can find someone who will love her for herself, someone who will not cheat on her and a better someone to value her as she deserves to be valued. your japanese love interest will tire of you in any event. she is not a fool and you seem to be doing all the chasing. this speaks volumes and i beleive you are trying to hard to find "THE ONE". don't be surprised that THE ONE was right under your nose all the while, you were so driven to finding another that you let the one slip by. sometimes we only realise what we have when we lose them. and i think you will only realise when your wife has moved on with another man.
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A
male
reader, quarky  +, writes (5 July 2009):
 As often as not, posters here pretty much know what they should do. Getting an independent view can make all the difference. In some ways, ending a relationship whilst the child is young may be better than the child growing up in a relationship which clearly isn't right. Kids are incredibly good at picking up these things. What ever you decide, I hope it works out for all concerned. But you should be prepared for the possibility that you won't be in a relationship with the woman you met-it may not happen.All the best
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2009): Hi. Author of question here.Thanks for these 2 answers. Really appreciated. I never thought I would ever 'end up' on such a site. It's really a lot of psychological support.@ Quarky. I've already left once, only to end up feeling the same. The main difference is that now there's a child. But if it's happened twice, I see no reason why my feelings towards my wife will 'improve' in the future. Quite pessimistic about it. Maybe it's better (ie. less worse) to put an end to a relationship when the child is still young...Don't know...it's not something I wanted anyway.@ Jayney.She doesn't look like she's getting excited by the fact I'm married with a child. It's more me that's been going after her, trying to get closer as I felt a deep connection between us. But it's true she's not rejected my advances too openly. I think she might also be confused and not sure about the whole thing. I've told her explicitly about my feelings. Her reply has been rather ambiguoug. Either because she tries not to hurt me by saying no too directly or also maybe because we've only met a few times after all...and we don't really know each other.I should also add that she's Japanese, and that they are usually far less direct than Westerners. Difficult to understand cultural differences sometime.
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A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (5 July 2009):
This isn't really about the feelings this other woman may or may not have for you I think. Breaking it down, I think you have 3 options.
1. Leave your wife for good this time and be free to pursue other relationships. Catch is the pain you'll cause and the effect on your child. Plus you may end up with nothing, in many respects.
2. Forget about other women and concentrate on re building a loving relationship with your wife. Whether you think this is possible or not, I can't say. But you may feel you owe her and your child that chance.
3. Carry on as now and have an affair as and when the opportunity arises. That will no doubt have an effect on your marriage and possibly on the relationship with your son. And will possibly drive you nuts!
As for me, I went for option 1 after trying option 2. Make no mistake, the guilt still hits me daily and I've ended up with nothing. But in the long run, I know it's better for both of us.
Whatever you do, either you or someone else is gonna get hurt. You have to decide who.
good luck mate
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (5 July 2009):
 As far as the other woman is concerned, maybe you should ask her outright how keen she is. If she knows you're married with a small child yet is still pursuing you, and it sounds like she is, then she's either smitten by you, or she's one of those women who get some weird thrill out of stealing someone elses man. If she's in love with you, and you are with her, then you should take the chance because it sounds like your marriage is a train crash waiting to happen anyway and you may as well get it over and done with so that you can then all recover and get on with your lives. Good luck.
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