A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my partner of five years broke up with me four months ago. She totally broke my heart but we stayed friends and I knew that she wasn't sure if the break up was the right decision but that she needed time to figure things out. She knew that I hoped she would come back. She told me to move on but I found that very hard given that we were still very close and spending a lot of time together. Recently I went out with a friend, we ended up getting quite drunk and sleeping together. I feel so much regret and guilt. and now my ex is starting to seem like she does want to get back togther after all. My question is this; if she does say she wants to get back together does she deserve to know what happened during the break up?
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broke up, drunk, get back together, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2019): What obligation do you have to a person who broke your heart and decided to breakup with you? Evidently your mind has moved-on; or you wouldn't have used alcohol as a convenient excuse to sleep with somebody else. You're free to do so; she's no longer your girlfriend...remember? Lest it was only done to see if you could make her jealous?
She asked you to move-on. If you tell her to ease your conscience, I believe she'd end the friendship; and finally get-on with her life. Generally, if somebody you broke-up with insists on being friends; you'll do it for their sake. She has already decided to move-on; but probably felt sorry for you.
My guess is, she'll pretend to be jealous and upset; cut ties, and she can finalize the breakup with a clear conscience.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019): The fact she broke up with you and you slept with someone else so quickly shows you aren't meant to be together. There is no real love there, on either side.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2019): Personally, whilst this may come off poorly, I would want to know because I’m not really compatible with anyone who can just have drunk casual sex with people. I’d also wonder if we were compatible if my ex moved on to sex with someone else so quickly - just from a personality match perspective.
Whether or not you should tell her may depend on your friendship with the person you hooked up with. Will it make it messy now? Maybe it will, maybe it won’t.
She doesn’t deserve to know because you didn’t cheat on her. However, she may deserve to know if you plan on keeping that sex friend around. You did nothing wrong, so feeling guilty is misplaced, but I think you feel like you made a mistake.
If you get back together, you both need to work on whatever issue caused the break up - you can’t just gloss over it and go on like it used to be. If you’re to have a shot, you probably need couples’ therapy. You can’t be living together any time soon or it’ll be too much. As for friendship, you can’t be her friend while you’re hoping for more. Friendships with exes only work when neither of you has feelings for the other any more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2019): I disagree with this’d who say no . I think it depends on whether this was an’ break ‘ for the two of you two assess things or whether it was a permanent breakup where both moving on
I’ve seen too many cases where people have these ‘breaks , keep the person close with all intentions of going back to them and using that as an excuse to sleep around . I’m not saying you did that but this might be her interpretation of the situation
Also why did the break occur , did it have anything to do with your wandering eye , porn or wanting other women ? Because if so then the fact you slept with someone is absolutely vital information for her in assessing whether she wants to reconcile
Additionally you need to think of if the shoe was on the other foot . Your the only one here who knows the full nature of yours and her relationship . So how would you feel if she slept with someone whilst you two were split and kept that from you
There’s lots to consider , it’s not black and white . Also sexual health , the fact she will likely find out at some point and this could create a permanent split without any salvaging of your friendship this time
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 May 2019):
 Absolutely not. If you are on a break, then you are effectively single.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2019):
 No. The disclosure would be ondelicate, unnecessary and serve no purpose ( unless you subsconsciouly want to make yourself more desirable in her eyes by letting her now she has competition ). You were broken up ( and by her decision, as for that ) not even " on a break ". That was four months ago , and she even invited you to move on at the time. If in future she changes her mind, that would not necessarily entitle her to have a blow-by-blow account of everything that went on in your sexual and sentimental life while you two were apart.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 May 2019):
 It would be none of her business.
But I would ALSO suggest (if you haven't already) that you ACTUALLY move out and get your own place. You CAN NOT hang on to her and call it "friendship" in hopes that she might possibly take you back.
What was the "something" that made her feel you two were over?
Because IF she at ANY point want you back, it needs to be addressed or that SAME issue will pop up again and again and it will NOT work out.
People who break up and get back together rarely make it.
At your AGE a break up should be REGARDED as something permanent, not as.. a "break" from the relationship. You don't take breaks from breathing in air, or breaks from eating (generally) and when a relationship comes to a point where it ISN'T working, you wither WORK it out or walk away.
And let's say she hears about what happened, DO you think she would want to BE with you after hearing about it?
Would YOU? I mean if SHE had gone out, gotten drunk and screwed a friend?
Think about it... Would you want to know? Would you want to BE with her after that?
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 May 2019):
 No, why should she? It’s none of her business.
The thing you SHOULD be asking is whether getting back together is a good idea or not. She’s already broken up with you for whatever reason so that is a HUGE red flag that you’re not as compatible as you think you are. What’s to say she won’t leave you again?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2019): Nope! Serves no purpose and you should rid yourself of any regret. It was her decision to break up and thats what you guys did-broke up. if it does come up or she does find out then and only then would I mention it. I would come clean then only because if you say no you didn't, then thats an outright lie hanging over your head and if you respond with something along the line of ' thats not important' then you have as good as admitted you had anyway. What I would do however is not divulge the details as to who, where, why and what.
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