A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have been trying to make sense of this... Does online dating really work for men? I ask this because I put up my profile on 2 sites (one famous paid site and one famous free site) and I'm very disappointed with the results. I have a decent profile, decent pictures, and send out thoughtful emails to women and I do not get anything back. These are the stats for me:Contacted around 80-90 women over 3 months. Only girls with profiles that match who I'm looking for.The majority took a look at my profile. I guess my well written messages was enough to interest them.About 10 sent me messages, that's including 2 who actually contacted me first.4 continued a conversation past 1 messageI managed to arrange a date with 2 of them.I met one (the other changed her mind 4 hours before our date). We weren't attracted to each other when we met.To the women of this forum that are using online dating sites - Can you please explain what might be happening in my case? What would make you to completely ignore a guy that read your profile and send you a thoughtful message? Your help is greatly appreciated as I am wondering if I should just cancel my memberships to these sites. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2016): I just took the time to read several different net articles on this topic. The overall picture was this:
Women get flooded with dirtballs and psychos despite doing nothing to encourage it.
Men get ignored even when sending appropriate messages to compatible women.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 March 2016):
 What I got out of the blog post was that the profile picture does matter. Go get some professional candid portraits done by a quality photographer to enhance chances of getting to stage 2 in online dating. You’re basically interviewing for a job and might as well put your very best foot forward.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (16 March 2016):
Oh and finally, I'm not disputing that women get more messages than men, but I disagree that we have an easier time with online dating. We just have different frustrations to deal with (overload of messages/inappropriate messages/abusive messages/dick pics etc). It's tough for everyone out there so let's not point fingers.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (16 March 2016):
Male anon, once again you are using your own bias to influence the way you are interpreting the data. If you read it, it also states that women's messaging patterns contradict the initial results as they DO message more than the top 20% of men in practice. So perhaps they might believe a man is average or even below average looks wise, but he has other redeeming qualities that made them decide to give him a chance?
The blog also states that 'men are fighting each other 2-for-1 for the absolute best-rated females, while plenty of potentially charming, even cute, girls go unwritten.' So from this, you could say that while men SAY they find a wider range of women attractive, their behaviour doesn't back that up.
My point here is not to say that men are worse than women or vice versa, but that you can take data like this and spin it any way you like. I hear many men and women refer to studies like this and complain about how unfair it is that the opposite sex does x, y or z, when really all they are trying to do is pass the blame on to an entire gender. It's much easier to say 'all men/women are the problem' than to admit 'I am the problem.'
If you want to believe that all women are entitled princesses who expect nothing less than Hollywood actor looks and riches then that's your prerogative. However, I hope the OP realises that this isn't the case (as you will plainly see if you look at 99% of the relationships happening around you) and realise that it just takes a bit of time and patience to find someone worthwhile.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2016): @jks022:
Brilliant comeback; made me chuckle! :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2016): @jks022:
Which group is likely to be more willing to settle for a less attractive person showing interest in them: The group that knowingly aims high with "nothing to lose" approach? Or the group that aims even higher, and literally believes they are only aiming average?
Not only that, the optimistic group does more approaching and the higher-expectation group does more rejecting. That tilts the picture even farther. Bottom line, the average man will have a MUCH harder time of it than the average woman.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (15 March 2016):
 I met my fella on a dating site so if worked for him, years later he might not think that now lol. Depends I guess on what you say when you message. What may sound sweet to you, may come off as something different to someone else. Both men and woman are spoiled for choice on these sites therefore being choosy,rude, or non responsive comes very easy from the comfort of your arm chair. People can be shallow or have unrealistic high expectations by what they see in a picture or what they read in a response. Whereas in person, personality can sometimes trump all first impressions of not being too sure. Hang in there for a bit, don't be too disheartened. Ever thought about speed dating? That's a bit of light hearted fun.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (15 March 2016):
Male anon, that very same study states that two thirds of all messages from men go to the top third of attractive women. Which is about 30% right? So women like the top 20% of men and men like the top 30% of women. It almost sounds like attractive people do better at dating - shocking!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2016): A recent dating site study found that women [on the dating site] ranked 80% of men [on the site] below average in appearance. Most women’s [on this site] standards are completely out of line with reality. [ref: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2016): Just because you send a thoughtful message doesn't mean she's interested or attracted, or you're her type. If they're not interested then it's good they don't reply to avoid leading you on.
Also YOU think your messages are thoughtful but how do WOMEN perceive them? If you would share what you wrote in messages and on your profile then we can give you honest feedback. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (14 March 2016):
I've been online dating for about 6 months now so I feel I'm qualified to answer this question. When I first started out, I said I'd always reply to every message I get, yet that lasted about 3 weeks.
I think men seriously underestimate how many messages women get on a daily basis. I can get upwards of 50 messages a day on my profile, lots of which are perfectly nice, but if I were to reply to everyone then it would become a full time job. There are also a LOT of guys who don't take even the most polite rejections well, either by becoming aggressive or by continuing to email trying to change my mind, so I'm sorry to say sometimes it's just easier to ignore a message.
At the end of the day OP, often whether I reply or not comes down to how attractive I find the guy. And that can be directly relative to who else I'm speaking to at the time too. For example, I've not replied to lots of good looking guys because I'm talking to a few others that are a bit more my type at that time. Or because I'm quite excited about someone I've met and I want to see where it goes.
I know that sounds harsh but there's just no other way to do it without having to give up work and uni! I wish you luck though. I know it sounds like it's easier for women but it's just as much trial and error for us too, as well as us having to weed out the cheaters and those just looking to get laid.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 March 2016):
 I'm NOT on dating sites so my advice is from watching with some fascination, a good friend (female) and my BIL who have both tried the online dating thing.
1. Sending a thoughtful message is nice. But DO consider that she might have gotten 100 such messages in her inbox and may have set up a date with guy number 5, 11, and 14 and you... are #52. So while a message can be thoughtful, try NOT to make it too long or a WASSSSSUP!? Compliment the poster, make it short AND a little personal, but not over the top.
2. Sending a thoughtful message doesn't mean she OWES you to reply. Just like YOU do not have to reply if a woman YOU don't think could be a good match, sends you a message. And don't do the Copy & Paste to all the women. That isn't thoughtful. I'd say instead of 30 messages a months, be more FOCUSED on who you might want to date and be personal in your message to them.
3. How generic is your profile? Have you asked a female friend to look it over and critique it? She might have a MUCH better idea how to "sell" you to strangers on the internet. I think when it comes to dating profiles LESS is more. If what you write should be interesting and not an essay - I think it works better, SAME for the messages you send out. BE honest! AND CHECK for spelling and grammar. Good spelling can make ANYONE seem like a better prospective than someone who can't be bothered to spell etc.
4. How good are your photos? Are you going for some "backlit" (you know where you can't really see how you look) or an older photo ? I'd suggest you again ASK some female friends or acquaintances to help you pick out 3-5 GOOD and RECENT pictures to post. Maybe have some fun with some selfies?
5. TWEAK your preferences. If you threw out 80-90 lines and caught 8, maybe you are not really be specific enough. Though, realistically.. 8 in 90 is NOT all that bad, going by my BIL's responses. You are in the 26-29 age category. So when you are looking for a match do you look for 18-19 year old girls? Or are you looking for someone from 18-35 ? The latter might give you WAY more options. IF you are only looking for redheads, maybe try a few blonds and brunettes. Etc.
6. IF you DO talk to someone you think could be a "match" don't spend ages e-mailing back and forth. Ask her out for coffee or lunch, show that you can take initiative and not do the " I don't know where, what do you think?" because that seems uninterested and vague.
7. Curb your expectations. I know, it sounds jaded, but I have seem two VERY eligible people having to wade through SO many crappy dates and dealing with everything from married people to people who was JUST looking for hook ups, people who were just looking for a friend, some that wanted a sugar-daddy and some who wanted a shoulder to cry on etc.
8. Don't expect instant relationship. It's not Soup in Cup. You have ONLY been looking 3 months. It's taken my BIL 3 years to find a decent match. My female friend met someone, but NOT from the dating site. After having been a member for 2 years. She found him when she wasn't looking.
9. Try something different. Like the group dates some dating services provide. Or meetup groups as well.
10. If someone doesn't reply to your message - skip them and move on. It DOES seem like manners are NOT part of online dating. And ignoring people that don't interest you is the norm. Do NOT take it personal. Just move on.
The thing is, YOU can be a SUPER catch, but if you keep throwing your line in the "wrong" pond you are not going to catch a thing. Online dating (at least that is how it seems to me) is NOT like shooting fish in a barrel. It's a LOT more random. Sometimes when we go looking for something specific we don't find it. Sometimes it finds you. That may sound corny, but I know it's true.
Hope that gave you a little food for thought.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 March 2016):
 I think you might just need a bit more patience. Okay so it has not worked to well yet, but sometimes these things take some time.
When you say a thoughtful message what exactly are you saying when you first contact these girls? Maybe if you tell us that then I might have a bit more of an idea if it is something that you are saying.
As harsh as this might sound maybe these girls just don't think you are there type.
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