A
male
age
41-50,
*onely soul
writes:I dont know what to ask here. I am alone in my life, and everytime I meet a new woman, I always become possessed with thoughts. Like its all I think about and it drives me mad. I think its because Im a lonely person, but I cant help that.I met another girl the other day, online once again, and we hit it off good Id say in chats, and than chats progressed to text messages and than once we got to text messages we went to calling. This happened over the course of a week.Now I am at the part where I think it needs to progress. But Im getting major mixed signals and dont know what to do. I always get to this part with online dating, and it always goes south here. I want to call and talk, but we have only know each other for one week. So I dont want to seem like Im hounding anyone. I also think that if we meet there is going to be the want of sex, mostly from her. I have a shitty sex drive, and dont need sex to function in life.Im just at a stand still, I think that if I wait to long to contact her that she would have moved on completely. I had that happen once where I waited to long to call a girl after our second date and she moved on so that sucked.I just dont have anyone to ask, I live alone in a town where I don't know anyone and Im out of touch with all my old friends.All I want is companion in life, Im still young sort of, but Im very ambitious which leaves little time in my life for another person. I dont know how to work someone into my life using time slots.Someone offers some excellent advice please
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (21 October 2009):
 Hey there,
I tell ya, if anyone seriously knew the complete fail proof way to a perfect relationship, they would be a millionaire...actually probably a billionaire. Of course there are thousands of relationship books and websites offering all manner of advice but it all boils down to the kind of person you are and what your truly looking for. Ceratain approaches work for some and not for others. There will always be something that acts as a barrier to building good healthy relationships if you let it!
I join you in the lonely stakes. Ive always found it difficult to think I am good enough for anyone and believe me the older you get, it becomes more tough. Add being socially withdrawn, shy and extra busy with career and it's a recipe for disaster.
I think it helps to find your comfort zone. Where do you enjoy being the most and what do you enjoy doing. If it's doing solitary stuff in solitary places then your cutting down the odds of meeting someone.
The internet is fine for introductions but the initial 'eyes across a crowded room' moment of meeting often leads to dissapointment when you have had a few days or weeks of building up an image of someone. What the eye doesn't see, the mind fills in the gaps. The whole 'male pursuit'thing is negated. Of course some people feel more confident when sitting chatting at their computer or over the phone, but actual face to face contact can be very unnerving!!!
Sex is a whole another issue. If you state upfront that you have a shitty sex drive, it may put a lot of women off (but not all). The first couple of meets should just be a friendly 'get to know you', but things need to be aloud to develop slowly. Jumping straight in with the heavy stuff, often sends men and women scuttling away!! (the disadvantage of the internet is that there is an overwhelming number of potential 'other' people to try), it's a real personality contest and not for the faint hearted.
Of course there are many couples who did meet over the internet but it's very hard to judge if those relationships all work out in the long term (although I am sure a few people will respond with their successes...and jolly good luck to them). In fact with any form of dating...most unions don't work out.
...ok back to the comfort zone!!!
Maybe work on finding a few friends first, both male and female. Making new friends builds confidence. You can start with work friends, perhaps people with the same busy schedule as yourself. Try organising a few after work 'get togethers'...a quick drink down the pub to relax...or a football game on the weekend??
If this is a little too much for a lonely lad such as yourself, then maybe form a few friendships online, but with people within a reasonable distance. There are tons of online gaming communities or writing communities or discussion communities. Exchange ideas and get to know a few people and this could potentially lead to a social life. As your confidence grows you will feel more relaxed around people and women in particular. As they say ' To make an omelette, you gotta break a few eggs'!!
I know how hard this is, I have been shy my whole life. I have still not found my life long loving companion...and when I thought I had...he went online and found someone else!!!...but I have learned to make friends and I have a pretty good social life...I just had to grow a little courage... I have rolled with the punches and life isn't so bad.
If you really want a loving companion, then you may have to make a little more time for such a thing...not easy again, I know this!!
We are all individuals and in the great scope of things we are none of us any more special or deserving than everyone else...a great deal is down to luck and circumstance, but you can improve things by reaching out to others. Take things slowly and be yourself...eventually somethings gotta shift...well I am still hopeful!!!
:-) with love
Aunty Em xxx
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