A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together 10 years. She is 47, I am 36. When we first met (as is usual) we had sex frequently. Within a year of my moving in, sex became less frequent and slightly painful for her. She went to her doctor and I was - according to her - astonishingly supportive and patient. I obviously didn't want her to do anything that hurt her. Our sex life really never picked up though, to the point where one year I took her away for Valentine's weekend, nice and romantic and we tried to have sex. It was obviously hurting her so I stopped, but she tried to make me continue so that I wasn't frustrated. I refused and it pretty much ruined the weekend as it made me feel like she wanted me to force myself on her (not in a role play way here).She seemed to have no real desire and never came across as if she was really enjoying it. I would do anything to please her but she won't let me go down on her (she doesn't like it and it isn't just the way I do it, she says) and she won't go down on me. So, it tended to be not terribly fulfilling or passionate and when it did happen, was only ever on a Sunday or very occasionally a Saturday morning. Never at night or weekdays.Gradually, our sex life became exceptionally infrequent to the point where we have not had sex for 3 and a half years. I just got to the point where I felt it wasn't worth bothering with any more. However, it is now becoming a major issue as at 36 I feel I should at least be in a loving relationship that involves mutual physical intimacy. I want and need sex. Ideally, quite often, but I'm not an idiot and would rather have good sex once a month than nothing.I'm going to talk to her about this and propose going to Relate or some form of counselling, but would really appreciate people's SENSIBLE opinions on how to handle discussing this with her and what a sort of 'reasonable line' I should take. I mean, should I actually be saying we should set a target of at least once a month and see what happens? I love her, and tell her this, and I have also been suffering from depression for the last year - partly I feel as a result of this problem. I can't remain in a sexless relationship but feel a git for even thinking that.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 June 2010):
 I think you've made the right decision for yourself, and honestly, for her. You couldn't have continued the way you were as the resentment and unhappiness would have continued to build on your side.
It's unfortunate that she will never know the joys of fully mutual lovemaking but that isn't yours to fix. SHE has to want to work on that. Perhaps she will find someone who doesn't need the sexual intimacy as part of a relationship, but it shouldn't have to be a sacrifice you make just to keep her happy. Your happiness is important too.
You sound like a remarkably patient and caring man, I'm sure you will find a new love interest before too long. Let us know when you meet her!
Best of luck.
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (14 June 2010):
 you both have to be in the same page, I think it would be better if you two go your own separate ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys
Just thought I would update this one. We have now split up. We sat down and had a talk. She insisted that I have been extremely good, and patient, and understanding. She said has never been a very sexual person and although she loved me and wants to please me, she would never give or receive oral sex. In her mind, it is just something she is not happy to do. She was willing to try penetrative lovemaking again in order to make me happy and to stop me leaving but I said I'm afraid that's not what I want. I wanted US to be happy and if it would just be a question of her "going through the motions", that's not something I could accept. It would feel like rape to me.
It was very upsetting for both of us, but it couldn't have gone on and I feel I compromised enough for long enough and there wasn't going to be a meeting halfway. I still speak to her and she is very unhappy and would like me to come back, but I've said that just isn't on the cards because, for me, physical love and intimacy is as important as the unphysical side.
Not really looking forward to the single life, but hopefully, in due course, we'll both be able to find someone more compatible for each other.
Thanks for the advice!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 April 2010):
So you're looking at another 35 years of involuntary celibacy? Eek, I see your issue.
I do agree with the peri-menopausal assessment; hormones can be a problem and she should be examined and tested very carefully by someone with expertise in this area. The thing is that she has to WANT to do this and correct this situation.
For most people in a committed, loving relationship, sex is a very important part of intimacy--it is the glue that binds people together in a romantic longterm relationship. Otherwise, you're just roommates. Loving, happy to be with each other, but essentially roommates.
I don't think you're a git for not wanting to continue this way. You've had 3 1/2 years of no sex? I'm amazed at your patience, frankly.
Difficult as this is, I think you do deserve to explore what your options are and to set reasonable timelines for what needs to happen next. She needs to be seen by a specialist. She has to WANT to be seen by a specialist. You both could benefit from counseling.
I hate to raise this but is it possible that her sexuality is in fact, not entirely heterosexual? Is it possible that she is attracted to women and has been in denial about it all these years? Just something to explore as you pursue this.
I don't think that you should be sentenced to years of no sex at all, I think this should be a priority for her and you to work on together. It may be that there are hidden issue, past sexual abuse, a rape, that sexuality thing I mentioned, that is causing this block in her. It could also be all medical and hormonal and just needs some tweaking by the right medications.
I think you should approach this in a calm, loving and accepting manner, but be clear that you are not happy with the status quo and that things are going to have to change, one way or the other. She isn't going to like it, but you AND she cannot go on with the way things are. You will wither and die, emotionally speaking, if you don't have that love and acceptance that sex and making love represents for the male. You don't feel desired, wanted, or needed and that has got to be very difficult for you to walk around with.
Embrace her, hold her, be soothing and gentle with her as you discuss your feelings. Be sure to LISTEN to her as well. If she refuses to discuss it, well, take that to the counselor too. You can go, even if she doesn't.
I would hold off on the target number of sexual acts for the time being. It is going to be enough to target a doctor's appointment and THEN you can move on from there. First doctor's and counseling, THEN goal-setting. You have to know what you're facing physically and emotionally before setting targets. Okay?
I hope this helps and I hope things work out for you.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (20 April 2010):
I think at your age sex is important even if not frequent but existing at least. I would go to the doctor with her and ask question maybe the doctor can offer you two a solution. I think you can be in a marriage without sex but I figure this is later in life when you are seniors, so I would really recommend that you two find professional help and be intimate once again.
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A
female
reader, maelene +, writes (20 April 2010):
 First you need to find out medically why it is so painful for her. Go to the Dr with her to make sure she isnt lying to you. Get documented proof that there is something wrong with her. If there is, then you need to be supportive in getting it corrected. If there isnt, then something is terribly wrong in the relationship. If she isn't being intimate with you then this is not a good sign. You need to find out the real reason as to why she isn't. There could be a number of reasons, maybe she fell out love, maybe she is seeing someone else, maybe she is bored in the bedroom, but you need to ask her directly.You are suffering and you deserve to have a happy normal relationship just like the next person. Don't neglect your needs for hers. You have done everything a good man should and waiting around is only going to make you feel worse. Keep us updated..good luckMaelene
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Hun, at 47 your gf could be going through peri-menopause which affects women in different ways. You say she went to a dr - what did the dr say? Has she had any treatment for the pain during sex? I do believe that sex is a very important part of a relationship, the giving and receiving, the loving each others bodies... A visit to a good gynaecologist preferably one who deals with peri-menopausal and menopausal women would probably be of assistance.... as they would understand her symptoms better than one that deals with mainly pregnant women. I am peri-menopausal and found that I just was not interested in sex at all, went to my gynae and was put on a course of HRT's [hormone replacement therapy] and have found that I am much more ready for sex, my outlook on life and myself has changed and life seems so much better.So a bit of investigation into your gf's health would probably go a long way helping solve some of the problems.You have mentioned counselling, another point which I do agree with, this might help you both to communicate better and thus help solve issues before they turn into major problems.Please let us know how everything turns out.Honeygirl
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A
female
reader, Weramazing +, writes (20 April 2010):
 HiFirstly can I just say you sound like a really decent top guy.I don't think you are a 'git' for maybe considering whether or not you could stay in a relationship without sex after all YOU ARE HUMAN it's totally normal to think that. I don't think she actually does have a problem down there as if that was the case surely she would have done something about it to sort it out by now and she would be trying to please you in other ways and she is clearly not.It is definitely time to discuss this as sex is a big part of a relationship and unless both people decide not to have sex for what ever reason it will ruin a relationship.I'm not sure why she is acting like this but you should definitely sit down and have a good talk with her and don't be afraid to ask her to be honest with you.Don't accuse her of lying about 'her problem' even though it seems she is just ask her why she isn't trying harder to sort it out and why she isn't up for trying other things so you can still have a sexual side to your relationship. Then after you have discussed things have a think about how you thing the convo went, if you feel you didn't get much out of it maybe the next day suggest relationship councelling.You have been together for 10years you should be able to open up to her about things. Tread carefully and be respectful as I'm sure you will be also remember you deserve more from your relationship and deserve someone who is willing to work on any problem that is putting a strain on the relationship.Good luck I really hope things get sorted out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, I should have said that in other respects, our relationship is pretty good and that the pain side of things dates back to about 7 years ago. After trips to the doctor and various tests and trying out of various things, after some considerable time, lovemaking was no longer painful. Intermittant lovemaking (as opposed to just sex) did continue for another 2 or 3 years, but we're talking perhaps 5 times a year.I didn't wish to sound an additional git for 'setting a target' but you obviously have to set some target otherwise you'll never get something resolve. You don't necessarily have to MEET or EXCEED it, as long as there is some form of commitment to try. But a time has to come when you call it a day - when do you know when that happens?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): Don't feel guilty for wanting to be in a relationship involving sex..it's natural and healthy to think that way, and everyone deserves to experience it. I realize you don't want to find it somewhere else, because you see that it's something she's powerless to, and that should erase any guilt you have altogether. Yes, I agree that it's completely unhealthy to have to avoid sex altogether, at your ages, and that working together to reach a compromise is relevant. Besides that, though, have you both learned exactly why it is painful for her? If so, have either of you searched out a treatment for it? Is it something that's possible to treat medically? If not, have you tried lubrication, going very gently, everything else you can? If there is anything possible that can treat the heart of the problem, that might be very beneficial in allowing you both to enjoy sex more often than either of you expect.
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A
male
reader, sampson +, writes (20 April 2010):
i don't think so, if there is no sex this will give you time to do other things, and talk about other things etc. and adding more romance to your relationship
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