A
female
age
36-40,
*RSMouse
writes:Dear Cupid,I have written on here before, and its always over the same thing. My turbulant relationship with my boyfriend. When we are together we have the most amazing time, we are so so happy. He is always telling me how much he loves me and how much he enjoys being with me. We have been together for about 3 years.I don't get on with his family at all. His Mother hates me, I'm not allowed in the house or in the family pub where he works. As his job is very demanding, and most of his close friends are associated with the pub, this does make our lives difficult. His time with his friends is spent in there, which means I don't get an opportunity to know them. As he is working so much, we usually spend one day of the weekend together and one night during the week. We text for hours each day inbetween and always tell each other we love each other before bed.He mentionned last weekend that he wasn't getting to spend as much time with me as he wanted. So I suggested that we make more time for each other, even if its just to meet for half hour to touch base so to speak. We were meant to see each other Wednesday, but his Mother wanted him to stay home and help with something. We rescheduled for Thursday. I wasn't thrilled at being let down but there wasn't much I could do. During the day Thursday when texting him I know I was off with him, but I couldn't help it, I can't pretend to be in a good mood, I had a really busy day at work too. I rushed home from work though and got ready to see him, but received a text to say his dogs had had a fight and he had to take them to the vet. I reminded him he was meant to be seeing me, and could his parents not deal with it. With hindsight perhaps this was a little insensitive, but his dogs have had fights before and been ok, I didn't quite realise how bad it was. He told me 'funnily enough, I want to know if my dogs are ok', so I apologised and said of course, just take your time come when you're ready. He then launched an attack on me, telling me maybe he didn't want to come, and when I tried to be nice and supportive, he told me I was patronising him and to leave him alone. He didn't come in the end. The vet said they have to give up one dog. I know this upset him a lot. He seemed ok with me before bed, I got my usual 'i love you text'.I text him Friday morning to see how things were. And from there everything went downhill. His texts were cold and moody. I said to him it wasn't my fault about the dogs, and that he couldn't take it out on me, but that i understood he was upset, and he told me he wasn't taking that out on me and that he had lots of things to be thinking about. By this, I knew he was re-evaluating our relationship. Having had a bad day, and not having seen me and there having been a little tension, on top of the ongoing problems between me and his family, he's having major doubts.He text me for most of the day, but all the conversation was being made by me. When it came to saying night, he didn't say 'i love you'. I asked him if he didn't love me anymore, and I forwarded a text he had sent me just two days earlier on the Wednesday, telling me that he would love me always. I said he needed to tell me what he needed me to do, and he said he needed time and space for a bit. I said that was ok, and tried to be supportive, I asked if he wanted me to text the following dday or leave it a few days and he asked that I leave him a few days to get his head straight.I feel completely in bits. We had a perfect weekend with a hotel last weekend. Wednesday he was so loved up with me, telling me how much he loves me etc. And now in the blink of an eye, everything has just changed. I feel so completely isolated and alone. On top of it, its the last few weeks of my degree course now. I could of done without the added strain. I don't understand what I have done to deserve this. I was upset he didn't see me when he said he would, but I understood his reasons and I said that.This isn't the first time he has done this. A year ago he said he wanted time and space. This was among major problems between me and his Mum. She guilts him everytime he comes to see me, and I have to put up with reading nasty remarks about myself online. If he asks her why she hates me, she screams and shouts that she doesn't want to talk about it. Neither of us have any idea why she doesn't like me. She is very possessive though and I think she is jealous of our relationship. After two and a half weeks of me texting him every few days to check in and getting moody texts back, he came back to me. He told me he had realised that what his family thought didn't matter, and that he loved me and that was that. I made him promise not to put me through anything like that again, yet here we are.I want to know really what peoples thoughts are on him having this 'space'. Am I over reacting, thinking that this must mean he is trying to work out if he can live without me, trying to wind us down? Is this normal behaviour because he is stressed? I just can't stop crying and would appreciate outside opinions.
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male
reader, sebaslookingforward  +, writes (20 March 2011):
I know he wants to please both you and his mother, but he has to make a decision if you and her cannot sort things out. He has to stop being so "quiet" about talking to his mom and confront her.
If needs some space like you are saying, he could be stressed. Be careful though, if he asks for a break, time out or anything like that, it is a bad sign. If a girl asks me for a break I would break up with her because she has doubts over whether she wants to be with me or not in the relationship. "Breaks" should not be discussed. If he asks for a break, move on and explain that you are uncomfortable with the fact that he does not do anything about his mom.
If you tell him that he might actually do something about her now that I think about it.
So all in all, allow him some space, but don't get in breaks or time-outs unless you want to take the risk of being emotionally hurt
A
female
reader, KRSMouse +, writes (19 March 2011):
KRSMouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice.In answer to why do his family hate me, its just his Mum mainly. She liked me when I was a sales assistant in a clothes store, as soon as I got my job now (building engineer) she just turned. I think she feels threatened by me, she is a very powerful woman and has a very close relationship with my boyfriend, too close really. I know she gets jealous when he comes to see me. His Dad goes along with his Mum for a quiet life, and his sister is young and impressionable and being close to his Mum, she veers the same way. He has tried to improve the situation, but until she opens up about her issues, nothing can be resolved, and everytime he attempts to have that conversation, she flips out.From an excuses perspective, he does what his Mum tells him, again to have a quiet life. It is hard for him, as he's having to try to keep me and his Mum happy, and while I would never try to interfere with their relationship, she will use any opportunity going to interfere with ours.From a contact perspective, we text for the most part of the day when we are not together. It is difficult to get time together, as he often works nights, while I work days, but we made the best of it. And the time apart is OK, it gives us a chance to miss each other, which makes it nicer when we do see each other.My main concern is him needing this 'space' whenever things get a bit tough. Is this normal behaviour? Its now how i'd cope, but some friends of mine have said their other halves have done the same. If its normal I can deal with it and let him take some time out. I feel horrible knowing its me hes taking time out from and no one else, but at the same time i recognise that taking some time away from me calms things down at home.
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A
male
reader, sebaslookingforward +, writes (19 March 2011):
Okay, let me tell you first, that if you ever plan to live together, you will have to be included in his family circle. In your case that looks distant, almost impossible: why does everyone in his family not like you? Why doesn't he make this situation between you ans his family improve? Moreover, his excuses sometimes sound bland, like he actually might not be sure if he wants to be in the relationship any more.It sounds difficult, but if he truly loved you SO much he would be doing his best to see you and hear from you more often. This has to be sorted out in person. It does not work over the phone, chatting or texting, because if someone gets mad to each other it's as easy to put down the phone or shut down the computer to end the discussion. Discussing is not fighting, it is "sorting things out". You might consider breaking up with him if he sounds not to be sure about the relationship. You need to be guaranteed he wants something long lasting to remain in it. Otherwise, wave him goodbye.Being more positive over all this, I believe you have to ask him these questions and to be honest about it. There must be something that bugs him that might have to change. I am sure that this relationship can be saved and that it will improve :) Good luck
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