A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I caught my wife spitting in my food the other night. She’s been in a constant mood with me for months on end and I can’t deal with it. I’m fed up of treading on eggshells around her all the time. The problem is she won’t ever admit anything is up. I’ve asked her countless times if she’s OK but just get the same generic answers ‘I’m fine’ or ‘nothing’s up, stop asking’ etc. It’s clearly a lie. And I always seem to bear the brunt of it. She snaps at me, she criticises near enough everything I do. Everything I do seems to be wrong in some way. Anything that goes wrong always has to be my fault. Any time I try to start a conversation I just get ignored or shot down. We haven’t had sex at all in 2021 either. Any time I try to even show any kind of affection towards her she just moves away or rejects me straight away. When I say she criticises me or has sly digs at me for everything I mean EVERYTHING. Like the other day I’d done the washing up and not completely scrubbed one butter-knife out of God knows how many others, it was left with literally the tiniest mark yet she made a point of telling me I’d missed it and to ‘use my brain next time’. There was honestly no need for it. I can think of countless other examples. Nothing I do lately is ever good enough. It’s like she’s trying to find any excuse just to have a go at me for something. Here’s one for you; I came home from work one day and she was in a proper mood with me, worse than usual. She said she’d spent the best part of 40 minutes scrubbing the kitchen floor because she’d spilt cornflour and gravy granules all over it. Yet somehow it was all my fault. Because I’d forgotten to put the boxes away in the cupboard the previous night and left them on the side, she ended up having to put them away instead, and later when she opened the cupboard they both felt out and spilled all over the floor. In other words, SHE hadn’t put them away correctly. But because I hadn’t put them away the previous night, somehow it was all my fault. It was really pathetic. Like I said; any excuse to try and blame me for something. It’s almost a daily occurrence and it’s made me dread going home from work because I know I’ll be going home to a horrible atmosphere. She seems absolutely fine around our 2 kids and other people, it’s just me who bears the brunt of it. The spitting in the food was just downright horrible. Not that she’d admit she did it. She was dishing out dinner in the kitchen alone and I walked in and saw her just as she gobbed in my plate. She was adamant she just sneezed, but I know what I saw. She knew she'd been caught out so went into a massive rant at me just as a defence mechanism before scraping the whole plate in the bin and storming off. I just don’t get what’s wrong with her. I’d understand if I'd actually done something to upset her, but all she’s doing nit picking at the tiniest things that aren’t worth getting angry over. Again though, she just won’t talk about it. We've been together 14 years and I love her so much, I can't imagine being with anyone else. But does she secretly hate me? Is my marriage doomed to fail from this point? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2021): Youcannotbeserious I don't see how you can just skirt around the big incident here. The woman spat in his food. That is absolutely vile. No amount of 'stress' can ever justify that. It's wrong to just assume that he doesn't do any chores or help out around the house. Even when he does she still gives him flack like with the 99.99% clean butter knife. How can that be fair? And yet you think HE needs to try and make things right with HER? WOW.
OP I'm sorry but your wife clearly has serious issues if she goes as far as to do something like spit in your food. The worst part is it's more than likely that she's done it before and you haven't even realized. At least you caught her in the act so it's unlikely to happen again.
I agree that you need to sit her down and talk to her, but you need to get to the bottom of what her problem is. I'm guessing you've not cheated or been abusive to her? Are you sensible enough with your money? If so then nothing else can really justify the way she's been treating you. So what if you forgot to put those boxes away? Them spilling onto the floor was NOT your fault. Your wife did not put them away properly and left them in a position to fall out and spill everywhere. It was literally a 10 second job if that and SHE did not do it correctly. That was HER fault. Making sly digs and criticising you all the time is BULLYING behaviour.
I just thank God she isn't doing this to your kids, though I know it won't really make you feel much better about your relationship. But talk to her again, ask her outright what is going on. Tell her how you feel. Tell her you are worried for your relationship. It isn't fair for you to dread going home to your family each day. I know you love her but unless she is prepared to COMMUNICATE and get to the bottom of whatever issues she has with you then yes I'm afraid your marriage may be doomed to fail. But it shouldn't be worth you putting up with this atmosphere at home.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 November 2021):
 She sounds completely stressed. Someone who is stressed will get upset by minor things because, to them, in that moment, it is the proverbial "straw which breaks the camel's back". For instance, you not putting the containers back in the cupboard where they belonged will have stressed her out, she will have probably thrown them in the cupboard in frustration instead of putting them in there properly, hence the resulting incident for which you got the blame because that's where it all started. If you had put the containers away properly in the first place, there would probably have not been an incident.
Do you help around the house? Or do you just go through the motions? Just from your two examples, I get a feeling you probably don't tidy up after yourself or do anything properly. Why do I think this? My nickname for my partner is Arfur - as in 'alf a job. Luckily for him, I am not as stressed out as your wife appears to be, although he does occasionally get my goat when he, once again, leaves dirty dishes on the worktop, right on top of the dishwasher, instead of putting them IN the dishwasher, or puts empty containers on the worktop on top of where the bin is, instead of IN the bin. My way of coping is by asking him to finish the job. If I had carried on tidying up after him, I would have probably ended up stressed out like your wife.
Your wife has two children who she needs to look after and clean up after. She needs you to pull your weight, instead of making her feel like she has a third child. I am willing to bet this situation has been building up for a long time and now she is just sick of having to tidy and clean up after you as well as two children.
Sadly, because it has been building up for such a long time, she probably doesn't even know herself where it all started. She just knows she feels alone in looking after everything and running around after 3 people.
My suggestion: your wife is unable/unwilling to vocalize what is wrong. You, therefore, need to take the lead if you want to save your marriage. Sit her down when she is in a relatively calm mood and say something along the lines of "I know I don't always make as much of an effort as I could, and I know that is unfair on you. I am going to try to do better, to help more but, for your part, you need to tell me what you need me to do. If I haven't done it how you would like, tell me and give me chance to make it right."
As for the sex, women need to feel loved to want sex. Make your wife feel loved and there is a better chance that the sex will follow. Bring her a little gift to show you have been thinking about her. Do chores (properly) around the house without being asked. Take her out to dinner. Try to recapture the days when you were first dating, before things got serious with responsibilities.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2021): Ask these questions "why did you chose me?why do you treat me this way?What did i do to deserve this shame?Do u love me?
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