A
female
age
30-35,
*3chelciemarie
writes:Hi guys, I feel at a dilemma here. I have been in a relationship with my current BF for 5 months now. I am 26, he is 26. I have asked questions about this relationship on here in the past, basically not wanting to deal with his issues. Most advice returned was to end the relationship. The small back story is that from the beginning I never really felt I would "end up with" my bf. The relationship started very fast and I felt like he was very much attached to me. He was basically ready to settle down with me very early on, and I felt that he was codependent on me, and did not have much of a life going on outside of the relationship. Eventually, he started to have a lot of emotional issues (because I don't think he has fully dealt with the issues in his life), and I felt like he relied heavily on me for emotional support and reassurance. I felt very crowded and started to pull away a bit, and it just made him push harder. I stuck around for another 2 months after this, and fast forward to now, I have attempted to end the relationship twice (within the last 3 weeks). The first time I lasted 1 day, and immediately regret my decision, and we said we would work on our issues). This recent time (2 days ago) I ended it because it was just a never ending cycle of problems resurfacing again. But I again started to severely regret my decision on day 2 again. I haven't acted on this regret yet, however, we still are in contact.I don't understand why I can't make a solid decision. I know ending the relationship is probably a smarter decision, but I also care very deeply about him and don't want him out of my life. In the ultimate world, we would be together, and he wouldn't have severe anxiety and insecurity about me. I guess my question is why can't I make this decision. If I am having so much severe regret maybe I should stick it out with him to make it work. Just wanting some opinions. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 April 2019):
 You are not READY to give up on this relationship. A group of strangers on a forum can advise till the cows come home, but you will still not give up on this relationship until YOU are ready. That is human nature.
The problem is, you keep envisaging what this relationship COULD BE rather than what it actually is. IF your boyfriend didn't suffer from anxiety . . . IF your boyfriend didn't have insecurity issues . . . . IF IF IF . . . Sweetheart, you can dream about what things COULD be like for ever and a day but it will not actually change anything. The only person who has power to change anything is your boyfriend and it sounds like he would need professional help for that to happen.
I predict you will carry on going back to him in the vain hope that things will change to how you want them to be until you are READY to move on. Something will eventually happen to make you say "I have had enough of this" and then you will make the decision.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2019): Your relationship is based on pity, and love doesn't grow from that. In time, it can change into resentment; and/or you'll buckle under the weight.
You've gone back and forth; because you get so overwhelmed and smothered with his dependency, that you have to come-up for air. You struggle to get loose; and he clings-on for dear-life. You're twisting his unhealthy neediness into romance; and it's not exactly fitting the mold. It's sticky and clingy, and he's like fly-paper. You've tried to redefine it as friendship; but he won't let you. He's also manipulative; and has found a way to keep you hooked.
You seem to like knowing someone is emotionally-dependent on you; because you probably think this assures you he won't abandon you or reject you like maybe other men have.
He's too insecure, immature, and lacks self-confidence. It makes you feel needed. Until you overdose on it. Having a man clinging to you makes you feel desirable and powerful. You hold his soul and sanity in the palm of your hand. It's intoxicating, and also very dangerous. You'll fiddle and toy with his emotions until something seriously goes wrong.
It's not a healthy relationship; and he's not healthy. You will both end-up with emotional problems. Time is the enemy as he grows more and more attached. Until desperation overtakes him; and he will feel like he owns you.
You're already evolving from a dependent-relationships to a codependent-relationship; because you want and like to feel needed. Eventually you'll want a relationship where you feel like a lover, and not his mother. Unless you have the credentials and license to practice psychology; you're treading on some very shaky ground.
I don't think you really want any advice. I think we'll advise you; and you'll just comeback with something else to justify using him. He leans on you, and you're substituting it for love. Enjoying the misguided-notion that you have some sort of control over his mental-stability.
You're doing him more harm than good.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 April 2019):
 The kindest thing you can do is either end it for good or stay with him. This breaking up and getting back together just to break up isn't good for either of you and truly isn't fair to him. I am sure it is making his anxiety even worse. Honestly I would say you should end it but that has to be your choice. Make up your mind though OP, you have to see its hurtful to keep going back and forth. Sometimes we love someone but deep down inside we know we shouldn't be with them. Its sad but its life.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 April 2019):
 In an ideal world I would be a multi millionaire, I’d be retired at 27 and living my life in a hot country. As we all know, we don’t live in an ideal world and that previous sentence is nothing but a pipe dream. You don’t live in an ideal world either so your ex has issues that have been the reason that your relationship ended. Until HE seeks help for his problems then they will never go away and you will constantly be in this back and forth.
You need to move on here, for your own sanity. This relationship isn’t working and keep giving it extra chances won’t fix it. End things and find someone you’re more compatible with.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2019):
 Is it regret or is that you feel sorry for him? Or... that you keep entertaining the "perfect World" scenario where he is mentally fine and all is well?
My guess a bit of both.
He DOES have severe anxiety and he DOES feel VERY insecure about you. BOTH issues are HIS and something YOU CAN NOT fix. You CAN NOT and SHOULD NOT be your partner's therapist. Support, cheer-leader etc are FINE but trying to "fix" his issues for him isn't healthy.
HE needs to deal with HIS issues.
Why can't you make a decision?
Because you DEEP down DO like that HE "needs" you so much that he RELIES so heavily on you. It makes you feel like you are important to him. Unfortunately, it ALSO enables him to NOT work on his issues.
If you stick it out with him NOTHING will change. At least NOT for the better.
Keeping in contact with him is not helping either. NEITHER of you. It only reinforce him to lean on you and for you to feel obligated to "try" and help him.
WISH him well, ACCEPT that you two ARE NOT a good match, that he is in NO place to be dating, and then CUT the contact.
It's quite often that people in relationships like yours end up with a twisted codependency that isn't healthy for either.
YOU know it's NOT working out, not matter how decent a guy he is it's JUST NOT working. You can keep trying but really all you do is HURT him and make him even more insecure. Because he will CONSTANTLY worry that you will dump him again and again... and you will constantly want to dump him since you can't fix him.
Just LET him go. For his sake and your own. This push and pull isn't good for either of you.
Do what's right. Not just what "feels" less hard.
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