A
female
age
30-35,
*FM94
writes:Hey guys,So something has been bugging me lately. Also I don't want abuse from anyone - just advice.Last year I was struggling to cope with a personal issue and found comfort from my manager who is married. He used to text me asking if I was okay and needed a chat at work etc. From then he started asking me for a drink after work, to which I agreed. We got on really well - almost like we just clicked. He's the same age as me, and he lived around the corner from me.From then we met up on days off for fun days, and drinks etc where he would buy me lunch out. One night he found out I was out with a friend, to which he turned up at the same place with his friend. At the end of the night, we got a taxi home, and we ended up kissing. That night, he told me he had never felt this way about someone before, and that I was the one who got away. He told me he would leave his wife for me and that his feelings for me were so strong. I was quite sober, and I did have feelings for him (didn't tell him this), but I realized it was wrong and put a stop to the kiss. Instead, I reminded him that he was married and nothing could happen. I left.After this, he had told another manager that he confessed to his wife that he had fallen in love with someone else (me). Other colleagues, however, told me his wife had seen our messages. Either way, I was blocked. It was quite awkward at work so I asked him to meet so we could sort it out, as people were picking up on the bad vibes. We then sorted it, to which things went back to normal. He started telling me colleagues though that if he wasn't married - I'd be the girl of his dreams. They're still together - and since then I've found out that he had actually been having an affair with a woman from work. I kind of feel like I've been used - however some say that he goes to her because he knows nothing would ever happen with me. This woman is in love with him - and is even leaving the job soon. I feel like I want to confront him - however I've played it so professional and cool since this incident that I don't want to seem bothered. But when he talks to me like nothings happened - I just feel angrier and angrier. He still does little things for me at work, like leaves chocolates in my bag, brings me things to make my tasks easier, comes on his break with me. I just don't see what he's playing at! His wife has recently had a baby too. Any idea on how I can confront him? So I can have closure?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 September 2019):
 You give yourself closure, OP
THAT is the gist of life. He doesn't OWE you closure (nor do I think he would actually give you closure as he is changing the narrative of what happened to MAKE him seem less "guilty".) He is full of shit.
He figure you were young and thus would believe his WORDS over his actions. And you did... for a while.
He did USE you. But you were a willing participant. YOU knew he was married WHICH should have made you NOT engage in ANYTHING other than co-worker civilities with him. EVER.
He sounds like the kind of guy who would do well as a used car salesman. You know, the kind that can sell sand in Sahara. Gift of gab. BUT what he also sounds like is a CALCULATING USER of people. HE pegged you REAL fast as being vulnerable and naive enough to fall for his bullshit. After all you bared ALL your problems in confidence to him and he USED that "closeness" if having someone to talk to about crap in life, to get in your pants.
He obviously is still VERY much married and has NO plans to leave his wife and family - he NEVER did (I BET you) no matter WHAT he said.
He is doing little "nice" things for you for several reasons, to keep you "sweet" in case he wants to see if he can seduce you again and to PREVENT you from moving forward with someone else. If you are SO busy trying to figure him out, you aren't moving on at all.
Personally, if I were you I would do this;
1. FIND a new job elsewhere and CUT all contact with him.
2. Be more careful WHO you confide in. Not everyone deserves your trust and confidence.
3. NEVER EVER "date" a married man EVER again. NEVER EVER date a coworker either. It's just not smart.
4. TAKE responsibility for YOUR part in this. YOU made a shitty choice when you crossed the line of talking to your manager and then doing more. PUT yourself in his wife's shoes. HOW would you feel? LEARN from bad choices/mistakes and avoid them in the future. A married man has NOTHING of value to give you. Seriously. He has nothing to INVEST in you. Because THAT is really all tied up with his wife and kids and family.
5. JUDGE a man (or woman) on their deeds and actions not just their words. Someone saying sweet nothing (and YES they MEAN SHIT-ALL NOTHING) like you would be the girl of his dreams IF he wasn't married blah blah blah... Sure it sounds lovely but HE is married so it's POINTLESS to say stuff like that, the ONLY reason he is saying stuff like that is hoping it will get back to you and you will mentally "swoon" over it, which gives him the upper hand to manipulate you some more. WORDS are CHEAP, remember that.
6. WANT MORE for yourself than to be USED or be a dirty secret.
Chin up and MOVE on. If you don't want to change job, you need to accept that he is a HE-whore who will sleep with anything with a pulse regardless of marriage and that he had NO respect for women in general, they are to be USED by him. So tell yourself NEVER again will this man have any power over me, and keep telling yourself that until you believe it. Then work on YOU and if you are looking for love... do it OUTSIDE of the workplace. And don't ACCEPT a guy who can't/won't invest in you AS much as you are willing to invest in him. A married man CAN NOT invest in you. He isn't "free" to do so. BY his own choice.
You can do so much better than some "smarmy office Romeo" - seriously!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): So he doesn't love his wife? Why is he still with her? What kind of person decides they don't love someone but instead of leaving and letting them find happiness they just cheat?
Closure is a myth. We think there's some big movie style confrontation or conversation we can have that gives our hearts peace. There isn't. There is just slowly accepting the situation and getting perspective until one day you realise you don't care anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): You are still very young, so consider yourself lucky in some ways that you’ve experienced this now rather than later. Why? Because a lot of crap stuff can happen with love and dating, where you will wonder and be confused by the other prrson’s behavior, and you will feel entitled to closure.
The lesson is, oftentimes there will be no closure. You have to accept that there will be no closure because at the end of the day, people like your manager are selfish and will not do anything that does not benefit themselves. Think about it. A guy is out there disrespecting the person he should be respecting the most —his wife. You think it’s nothing to get engaged, spend money on a wedding, and tell someone you will commit to them for life, and bring little children into this world together? Even IF he made a mistake and is with the wrong woman, is that something a responsible valiant man would do to someone he made a lifetime promise to?
And to you. He tells you you’re the girl of his dreams but he’ll take someone else because he can’t have you? Does that sound like Prince Charming?
So he’s selfish. And there’s no way he’s going to take action to benefit someone else, like give you closure.
So learn from this. There are men out there like him. Learn how to spot them, learn how to respect yourself first and cut them out immediately no matter how flattered and happy they make you feel in the moment, and feel good for being smart about life. Let THAT be your closure.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 September 2019):
 Why would you need to confront him to get closure? He owes YOU nothing. If you were naive enough to believe you were special to him, that is YOUR problem, not HIS. It's his poor wife you have to feel sorry for. He is a tart. You can bank on it, he will be telling the girl he is having the affair with the same sh1t he told YOU. Anything is fair game to some men in the quest to get into a woman's knickers. If he loved you so much, he would not be shagging someone else (as well as his wife).
Tell me this: if you two HAD got together, how could you ever have trusted him? He's obviously still having a sexual relationship with his wife, AND he is now a father with the responsibilities that brings, yet he is still trying to mess around with you (married men should not be slipping little presents into other women's bags etc) and is having an affair with another woman "because he can't have you". Oh PLEASE. He is having an affair because he CAN, because he will never be happy unless he is getting his leg over with another new conquest. Don't kid yourself he would treat YOU any better than he treats his poor wife. I bet SHE was the "girl of his dreams" when he married her.
Congratulate yourself on waking up just in time and being strong enough to resist him (although the things that led up to that kiss were not so clever), learn the lesson that you should not lead on married men, flattering as their attention might be, and move on. Find yourself someone who is free, where you don't have to make someone else unhappy in your quest for happiness.
You deserve better than this slapper. THAT is your closure.
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A
female
reader, EFM94 +, writes (27 September 2019):
EFM94 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Update: He has also told a manager (one of my close friends) that I was the one who told HIM that I was in love with him.. and aHE had to remind ME That he was married!!!
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