A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for almost a year now, but I'm only just finding out that, during the start of our relationship, he was still talking to his ex and possbily other girls. I was smitten with him. He was deployed (he's in the army) and I fell in love with him while he was away. I knew him before he deployed, but we never met. Maybe it was naive of me to fall in love with him before meeting him, but we would video chat, send each other packages, and try to keep in contacr as much as possible. He was so sweet to me, it was hard for me not to fall in love. We'd exchanged I love you's, but now that I've found this out, it hurts thinking that I wasn't enough for him. How do I get over this? He gets mad everytime I've brought it up and told him it's still hurting me. He said that, ultimately, he chose me, which is true. But I never even dreamed of talking to my ex while I was talking to him. I don't want to leave him, it just feels like the beginning of our relationship was a lie. Hopefully this doesn't sound silly. Thank you for reading!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2019): I've been there before too. Ultimately you have to move on for the sake of your own happiness and the relationship. I know it's really hard, but you will subconsciously ruin the relationship if you let this keep bothering you. You have to also ask yourself why it feels good to keep thinking about it...and the reason is usually because we get some satisfaction in playing the victim. But playing the victim will never be as fun as being in a loving, healthy relationship, so learn from my mistakes and please choose the latter.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 September 2019):
 The most important question is this,
IS HE still talking to them?
If not, you NEED to let that shit go. Tehre is no NEED for you to carry around hurt from WAY back when.
BUT DO have a conversation about what boundaries you think there should BE in your marriage when it comes to things like talking to other people (and especially exes).
You say you wouldn't have dream of talking to your ex, well THAT is you (and honestly most smart/sane people) but not everyone thinks that way. MANY people keep their exes in their lives for whatever reason. Some claim that they become BEST friends after they break up, some just act civil and some share kids so they HAVE to communicate at least a little, others who didn't have a lot of drama with an ex just see them as someone who was part of their lives and thus keep them around. Just to mention a few. WHY your husband keep talking to her... I don't know. And while I think it's NOT a great thing to keep doing when you move on, he did it and now (I hope) he doesn't anymore.
If you keep bringing it up, it's going to drive a wedge in between you - because HE can't change the past and you won't stop digging up this old stuff.
Best thing YOU can do for YOU, is to LET it go. STOP harping over it. It's doing NO ONE any good.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019): It's normal to feel a little hurt and jealous about exes. Keep in-mind; you were dating someone via social media and online. He's also in the military and travels about. You can't accuse someone of cheating; when you weren't even an official-couple until you actually met, and started dating in real-time. They actually knew him. You didn't!
You're being a bit childish, and trying to make an online-romance as committed as your realtime courtship and marriage. It isn't, it was how you became acquainted. He had not officially committed himself to you. The "I love you's" were premature. You were not really a true couple, and you're trying to force him to acknowledge it as being the case. That's not so, and it isn't fair. Stop trying to blow this foolishness out of proportion!
You're married, and it's best you behave with maturity and come-down to reality.
Petty-foolishness like this causes unnecessary friction., If you're going to be childish; you had no business getting married. Old-contacts during your fantasized online-romance does not mean he cheated while you were together. You can't be exclusive when all you have between you is long-distance, and sweet-talk over two devices. You more or less had a fantasy-romance until you came together and made it real.
You were in-love with the idea of him. That's actually fantasy and infatuation. You have to exchange affection using your five senses, spend some considerable time together in-person, and base your feelings on real-life, not a childish imaginationary puppy-love with a man who could have been a serial-killer or a troll for all you knew!
Those women are the past. Time to be adults. Get over it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): OK, it's not perfect right? You want to think he was feeling the exact same feelings as you, at the same time you were feeling them. But he didn't. what's important is that he does now. you're married. you love each other NOW.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 September 2019):
 What sounds "silly" (your word) is that you say you fell in love with your now husband before you met him! It sounds like you may have a very naive view of what love really means, a very romanticised view, very child-like.
The past is what it is and there is no way it can be changed. Surely what matters is what your relationship has been like once it was exclusive and since you married? Do you have any reason to doubt your husband's fidelity now? Do you have a good relationship?
You cannot go back an re-write your Disney-like romance. You need to decide what is more important to you: your pride or your marriage. Maybe you could treat this as a wake-up call that you need to grow up and stop viewing your relationship through rose coloured spectacles? No relationship is perfect. No person is perfect. We can only deal with what is, not what we wished it was. The ball is in your court whether you choose to make this a deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): I feel you.. I've been in your shoes before. It's such a gutted feeling realizing that during a time you thought to be the sweetest moments in your relationship, he went behind your back to talk to other girls and remain in contact with his ex. Now you question the validity of those times.
Well girlfriend, what has happened has happened. I know it sucks.. but you can't go back and undo it all. You'll have to ensure that at this present moment he is no longer in contact with the ex and he is not flirting with other girls. Leave the past behind and focus on this moment.
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