A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all I have a question that I'm very Intrigued about. I've been dating my man for over a year now and recently we had a discussion about cheating. In his opinion most people will cheat in any relationship especially men. He accepted that not all men will cheat but that most are just born with the desire to cheat. They know it's wrong and would try to cover up as their intension is not to hurt their loved one but merely men have a bad gene, just the same as women can. Now I know you're thinking he's probably preparing me as he's telling me that he will cheat and I may never find out, this may be the case but either way I wonder, is this really the way some people are???? I know I love my partner and would never even have the desire to be with someone else, why wouldn't he think the same? I put it to him that if we're together for the next ten years would he cheat? And he admitted that more than likely it would happen. Not that he wants to but some men just can't help themseves! We're talking one night stands here (but who knows what that can lead to). Now I'm having a very hard time trying to understand this as I'm sure most of you will but he says that of course I'm not going to understand, men are different, they don't see it as much of a sin as we do and that as hard as it is to accept he's just being honest!! So what do you think? Does my man have a crazy opinion or is it true? thanks for reading my question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): I've just read your updated comments.
Congratulations with your (to my opinion) very wise conclusion. LOVE is a verb and Nobody can guarantee the future, but as long as it feels really good and you realize what is need for an intense relation (and listen in the meantime to your intuition...always) with your approach, you can have faith for the future.
Wish you all the best
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies, I expected these kind of opinions and thank you tisha, I agree with everything you said and understand completely, he hasn't convinced me at all though I think his opinion is warped, and don't really know what he gained from telling me such bull, he has done himself no favours as now whenever he's out with the lads I am to presume dat he cud cheat then when any opportunity arrives!!
Oh well I'm not going to drive myself crazy over this one he knows how I feel about this and if he does anything like cheat on me he's history so it's his choice at the end of the day.
For the moment I will enjoy every minute with him as he is a very loving and caring man, as hard as it may be to believe, but I think he is and I honestly don't think he would risk losing what we have for something so stupid, only time will tell I guess,
Thanks again everbody
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 January 2009):
 It sounds like your guy is capable of talking a dog off a meat truck, if he can convince you that the desire to cheat is equivalent to being unable to stop oneself from cheating.
These are two different things. I accept you don't have any desire whatsover for another man. I think you may find other men attractive but you wouldn't entertain the thought of sleeping with another man.
Your guy has told you that he does find other women attractive, fair enough. He's not blind or neutered and he is permitted his own fantasies. BUT and this is the big BUT, there actually is something known as self-control. Most grown ups have achieved this wondrous skill, after growing older than 5 or 6 or 7 or 8. I'll accept that a child might have some problem controlling a desire for the chocolate chip cookies in the jar on the top shelf. They haven't yet developed that skill of self-control. Now by 10 or 12 or 35, they know that stealing the cookie is wrong. They are capable of self-control at this point, so actually pulling out the chair from under the kitchen table, dragging the kitchen chair over to the cabinet where the cookie jar lives, climbing up on the chair, grabbing the cookie jar, opening the cookie jar, reaching in for the cookie, opening their mouth to put the cookie in, biting down on the cookie, then chewing and finally swallowing the cookie, each and every one of these acts is a moral decision. Each act is a choice to go steal the cookie.
I'm assuming you're dating an adult. So presumably he's had the chance to develop some self-control skills. So he's trying to convince you that eyeing up another woman with lust is equivalent to eyeing up that woman, walking over to her, preparing some pickup line, chatting her up, buying her a drink, suggesting that she come up and see his etchings, putting a hand on her body, [here we draw a veil over the proceedings]. Each of these acts is a moral decision. I'll give him the eyeing another woman with lust in his heart. The rest of it, uh, not so much.
He's setting you up for the scene where you angrily accuse him of sleeping with another woman; he'll look at you like you're crazy and tell you that he couldn't help himself. And that you should have known this would happen because most men have this desire to cheat.
Me? I'd tell him, bullsh*t that's a reasonable argument, and he had better have another think about things, as I would have zero tolerance for such logic.
*this all supposes that you don't gain 400 lbs and start smelling like the locker room at a weightlifting gym, while allowing every hair on your body to grow long enough to braid*
Think it through, girl, think it through!!!
Good luck with this sweet-talkin' man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your replies, now suresheexists, we have a very healthy sex life so I don't c dis to b a reason why he wud stray, now don't get me wrong he didn't actually say he is going to cheat but said it might happen after a number of years. I know it doesn't make it sound any better but it was a very open conversation pointing out dat it's a reality with some men.
Wot we've seen before? On average the same as everybody else I think, everybody knows somebody who has cheated or who has been cheated on, same as we've seen couples together for years and happy, he had friends before who have cheated and others who haven't, I likewise.
I will b talking about this with him in a lot more detail to find out if he is trying to tell me that he can't be monogomous with me. Thanks all
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): Dear Lady,
To cheat or not to cheat is a choise, aswell for men as for women.
Your guy is clearly warning you (covering himself). But he is honest about it. Better that you know it in the early stage.
If you are lucky, you will find a guy who will never cheat you, but you will be really very very lucky if you can find.
What has also huge influence: what did he/you see in the past, what kind of friends, people at the job at the sport club. If everybody is monogamous or are many people cheating...
I do not think that a poor sex life will make only men cheating, I consider that it's also making the women cheat.
You could ask your guy: Tell me how I can be the only woman in your life.
A lot is depending on: the occasion, the thief, but the most important thing is the choise made by the person.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): I agree with TasteOfIndia, I think he's seen some form of that same article - which, by the way, has interesting BUT UNPROVEN ideas, according to the researchers; it's a statistical correlation, but not yet a proven theory. More work to be done before your boyfriend's allowed to play that card with any credibility.So, let's assume for discussion that the idea turns out to be true; have 1 or 2 copies of allele 334 and you've got a strong genetic *predisposition* to not strongly attach to a partner, so you're more likely to stray. That's a PREDISPOSITION, not a must-do like hair color or height. If he chooses not to cheat, he won't regardless of the circumstances. IMHO, he's telling you in advance that he can't stay monogamous to you (and likely, anyone else as well). Fair enough for him to tell you, now you can make an honest decision on what to do. I'd say a very honest discussion about love vs sex and how the two relate (or not) to each other is in order.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much, I was definitley expecting these responses especially from the girls, any men here with an opinion on this.
Thanks again girls I'm not gonna ditch him right away but I will b questioning him a lot more about this. And sharing your opinions with him aswell.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (9 January 2009):
 Actually, I just read in my Science Weekly that there is in fact a gene that makes a man more prone to cheat. I can't remember if it's just men or women too. Heres a different article: http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080906/OPINION03/809060302
But STILL. Whatever, according to my genetics I should be a great singer but I am totally tone deaf so screw that bogus crap that men are pre-wired to cheat. Everyone has a conscience that they use to make decisions - right or wrong. I know plenty of guys who pride themselves on having never cheated, had the urge to cheat or anything.
Your fella is giving you a bunch of crap. Either he's making it up or he read the same article I did and is now using it as an excuse to cheat and guess what? It's not an excuse. I would ditch this guy RIGHT quick. I wouldn't waste any more time being with a guy who thinks this way and who is warning you that he has to cheat because his penis MUST be inserted into lots of women or it will fall off.
For ages men have been able to suck up these alleged genetic urges and be monogamous. If your fella can't, he's a douche and you can find plenty of guys who WILL be devoted and loyal.
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A
female
reader, angelbbabe7490 +, writes (9 January 2009):
 Every man is different and so is every woman. There is no gene that makes a man or woman cheat. If you two are still dating and are not yet official then maybe he is trying to tell you that it is okay for him to be with other people. Maybe this is his way of breaking the ice and hinting that this may be his mentallity and he does not want to be tied down to just one person. If a man truly loves you he will not feel the need to be with other woman. It seems to me that your feelings for him may be stronger than his feelings for you. Ask him, how he would feel if you were to "cheat" on him. Ask him, if he feels that it is acceptable for him to cheat on you. Seems to me that you do not have a very good understanding for each other. Question him more often to figure out where exactly your relationship stands. He may view your relationship as an "open relationship"-meaning you can still see other people. Good luck!
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