A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband of over a decade avoids looking at me when I am undressed and when we have sex. Lately I have let him continue his conversations with me while I change clothes right in front of him just to see how he reacts. I wait in the nude for a while before I put on clothes. He's like an opposite rubberneck, looks everywhere but at me. Same thing when we have sex. If I put on sexy lingerie he will stare at the TV screen or simply close his eyes to avoid looking at me. Please don't tell me to talk to him because I already have. My husband is emotionally closed so there's not much to learn there. Maybe I shouldn't care, but I have this need for feeling that my life partner is physically attracted to me. I don't feel that at all, and it's starting to affect my self image. I know he enjoys watching naked women/porn behind my back, so I've tried to ask if he want's me to get breast implants since I am only an A cup. I wonder if he's smitten with the whore/madonna complex, e.g. his wife/mother of his children cannot be seen as sexy. Or if he is not attracted to me. Or if he is simply shy and just won't talk to me about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): Husbands are like this.....quite simply, I think they tire of us...simply get tired and bored of their wives bodies which they feel are freely available to them whenever they like.Yet the thrill of some unknown 20yr old whos never carried babies seems to be eternally exciting to them. '
To be honest, as a wife in the exacty same situation as you, I have no idea how we are supposed to feel desirable when our husbands show obvious lust for others and little interest in us.
I find it interesting that other men look at me in much the same way as my husband eyes other women....these men who I notice looking at me often have a wife by their side. I suspect the wifes are being treated the same way as us, but very few women even acknowledge this invisibility thqat is part of being a wife....what do we do? sorry I have no idea m just venting....Im considering an affair , just to remember what its like to feel desired...
My husband acts as if he has no idea what Im talking about when I broach this subject. He will make a concerted effort to be 'interested but iuts so obvious it put on.....sure the sex happens but the desireis not in his eyes the way it is for other women.
A
female
reader, Tara73 +, writes (19 July 2009):
Thank you all for the answers and synpathy! The strange thing is he took some very sexy pictures of me early in our relationship. I didn't mind at all and thought they turned our really good. These pictures have no value for him asnymore. I have also tried everything in the book to sexy up our "companionship marriage", and get hurt every time by his indifference. I am objetively not an unattractive person (although I probable should have more curves) But have started obsessing over my apparance, trying to copy this "babe"look on my spare time, tight clothes, big hair and high heals just to see if i can get any reaction. It's so silly!! I guess if I only knew what his problem is it wouldn't be such a big deal for me.
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A
male
reader, wherestheinstructions?  +, writes (18 July 2009):
Most men like porn because it gives them a chance to stare at a woman in a way that is generally unacceptable - normally one can only cast glances.
However, in a marital situation, unless you two have some specific issues, then he should be able to look at his wife as much as he wants, and in the most basic of sexual ways, particularly if she is naked before him.
Perhaps he sees you as naked but not sexual. Are you sexual with yourself, e.g.masturbation,toys,reading erotic novels, in his presence?
Does he visit specific porn websites? Many women post images of themselves (with their faces blurred out for anonymity) on those amateur voyeur websites to provoke their jaded partners into viewing them as sexually desirable, particuarly when feedback from other site visitors is positive.
Don't have surgery just to please him or anyone else. The only other thing I can think of for him avoiding looking at you is that maybe he is seeing someone else? That's just speculation, particularly becuase you don't say whether this is a sudden development or has built over a long period.
You say you are still having sex, which seems a strange thing to be doing with a man that won't look at you. Perhaps abstaining will provoke the discussion you want and need.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): if a man isn't having sex with you then he just isn't that interested in you anymore. maybe you shouldn't be wasting your time on someone who'd rather look at porn than his own wife! find someone who will worship you like they should! :)
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A
male
reader, daglish  +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Girls have a tendency of sending out mixed signals, even when they are married. Your problem is not a simple one but there are so many solutions. I for one have realized that ladies like you are very rare to come across these days. Your husband is simply acting the same way most boys have been oriented by their female conterparts. Things like, girls love sex in the dark coz of ..i dont even know what!, Just dont think ill of his actions and dont even think he's gonna change. Ten years of SHYNESS is simply a genetic character. He just thinks its rude looking at you naked because he respects you so much and yet he despises those naked galz he sees in porn. Pliz dont be upset, its his nature.
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A
male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (17 July 2009):
 I`ve had plenty of problems with girls not wanting to be seen but never any with not wanting to look. I have 0 experience with this. Seems really weird.Maybe counseling of some sort.But I doubt he will go for that if he wont talk to you.Maybe trying to watch porn with him? Or offer him explicit photos of you?I`m sorry I can`t really think of anything to help.Try to make him understand that this issue really bothers you.I can totally see how a woman in your shoes might consider an affair.(not saying you are).Does he still perform his manly duties at least?I`m guessing he does.We all want to be desired.And it is very sad to think that the person we are married to is not attracted to us.Well I know you said not to mention talking to him but even if you can`t learn anything from him make him learn from you.This has got to be painful for you.Make him understand that.
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A
female
reader, gracebfg +, writes (17 July 2009):
maybe he just feels uncomfortable with a naked body, if you are the first he has slept with then this is more likely. My advice myabe get naked under the covers and see if he more comfortable with that as you are not showing as much skin. hope that helped =]
Love Gracebfg
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): well shyness after 10 years of marriage would be rather odd. was he different before you were married/had kids? maybe he's addicted to porn and has a problem with genuine intimacy? a relationship/sex counsellor might help
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