A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really need some advice please I feel awful. My boyfriend and I got engaged recently and I couldnt be happier about it, there is just one thing that is really getting me down and making ne question everything. He has a female school friend who he keeps in contact with thanks to the dreadful social network, she is an estranged wife and has a 2 year old child. Out of the blue she started messaging him online very late at night discussing her marital problems with my fiance, not thinking anything bad of it, although I had never heard of her before I accepted that I am not going to know everyone from his past. He mentioned in passing a few times that he would like to go visit her for a cup of tea one time and have a catch up..again thought nothing of it. until she started messaging more and more late at night (im presuming because the child is in bed) then one night when I was on a late shift, my fiance text me saying he is going round hers for a catch up and will be back later. That night was awful, he was out until midnight before I rung him and he said he had lost track of time due to reminsissing about school,the friend then messages me online apologising for keeping him so late. Eventually he gets home at 2am. Unacceptale in my eyes. He stays up texting her then I read that they had been snorting cocaine together!! She was in on it and did not care that I dont like it. We got over the ordeal after he promised he wouldn't repeat it again but - "I will be seeing her again" was what he said. Fast forward a month, we have got engaged and she has messaged him a couple of times online asking "how he is" each time I question it. We got 200 likes online for our engagement and she didnt even like it, which struck me as weird. He denies that she fancies him and she has often said that she wants her husband back. Last night my fiance went out to the pub and came home and when I went downstairs he was messaging her again. I questioned it and he went "she said her husbands at hers" when I pointed out that she messages him a lot he denied it. We go to bed and when I go to get his phone to see what was said he has deleted the conversation. This is making me ill! I feel awful and I dont know how to approach him about this is making me feel because he just gets mad and thinks I'm accusing him of cheating. I hate her and I dont even know her.
View related questions:
engaged, fiance, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Aussie Guy  +, writes (6 May 2016):
anonymousI am sorry with what you are going through but you really need to consider if this is the man you should marry. Drug taking should be a big red flag for a start. It is not that easy to give up drug taking depending on how long he has been taking them. Your fiancés desire is not for you alone but as it seems his ex girlfriend as well. Do you know any of his male friends? Could you find out how he has treated his previous girlfriends? this could give you a clue how he will treat you in the future. He said that he would not worry about you contacting other men you could put that to the test and see what happens. You need to think with your head as well as your heart. If things don't improve then make alternative living arrangements then hand his engagement ring back. Do not let him bully you with bluster. You will feel sad but you could be saving yourself a lot of future heart ache. Good luck.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (6 May 2016):
 I would also ask your mutual girl friend what she thought of this other girl situation, if you believe she can keep what you two discuss confidential.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (6 May 2016):
I am definitely in agreement with Honeypie, especially with his saying you ruined the evening because you wanted assurance or answers? To me that's a big red flag he's trying to guilt trip you into dropping it. The thing is...let's assume it's platonic for a minute. The closest, best guy friend I have would not be worth losing my fiance over. I would adjust or if need be potentially drop the friendship altogether if it was a legitimate problem (I'd have to be given some serious reasons, I wouldn't do this left and right!). His reaction is extreme, and shady. He also evaded you by saying "I'm sure you will" what is that? When? Specifics are needed for it to actually be followed through on. Tell him the level of seriousness you're treating this matter (make or break), which SHOULD be reason enough to have him follow through. If not, I would probably move on. You deserve to be treated with more respect than that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): Show him this page and your question and all the answers! He may realize he is the wrong one!
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 May 2016):
 Oh sweetheart, on reading your followup I don't think it matters what you do ..... maybe its time to issue the ultimatum, but if you do, please be prepared to follow through
tell him either you meet her within a few days, so that you can be on the same terms with her as you are with all his other friends, or the engagement is off.
don't enter into long discussions, if he starts haranguing you just say you don't understand why he is not permitting you to meet her, and that you had hoped your relationship/future marriage had no secrets.
If he insists, just repeat, I don't want secrets between us.
I think the worse, are you prepared for that, I hope he is smart enough to realise what he is putting on the line.
Still sending strength to help you get through this, whichever way it goes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 May 2016):
 I think if he gets THAT defensive that you can't even bring it up, it's not as OK a "friendship" as he claims.
I'd consider giving him the ring back and see what happens then. Though, I'd still suggest you get to met her.
If she IS as important to him as he claims, YOU his FUTURE wife, should met her shouldn't you? Why wouldn't want your friends to me your fiance?
I think he is using anger to manipulate you into silence and that is not OK. Unless the first words out of your mouth when you brought up the subject was "I don't like" or "are you two cheating" - then I think what's going on is not OK. And the whole coke issue... not a great sign either. Seems to me that was something THEY did together and now SHE is trying to rekindle old memories.
And of course he wouldn't be bothered if you message other guys, BECAUSE he knows you aren't doing it or going to do it.
Time to reassess the relationship and DEFINITELY if this is a man you WANT to marry.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): ORIGINAL POSTER. Yeah i already said that i want to meet her in that argument and he went "im sure you will eventually" but his argument was im dictating who he can and cant speak to, saying its like me stopping him seeing his best friend (whos also female) but i know her AND im friends with her too. I hate that he has more frmale friends than male. I dont want to carry on worrying when she will message him next or when he will next go round, how do I know what goes on? if i say they should meet in a public place and not at hers he will just say that im trying to control him and i dont trust him so im pretty screwed with trying to put my foot down. I love him so much and i want to sort this, not leave. Do you think asking a friend of his to talk to him and make him realise his actions are not cool would work? or would it break us up?
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (5 May 2016):
Tell him you are sorry, tell him you love him so much you just went crazy for a while, then tell him to show him you support him and his friendships you want to invite her over for dinner or a backyard BBQ.
Ask him to find out which date next week suits her best, and what she likes to drink.
His reaction, and her answer will tell you all you need to know.
And if their reactions/responses are not above board, or if either prevaricates, then hand him his ring, and if you live together make arrangements for him or you to move ASAP.
Somehow or other she has got him by the short and curlies, and this could go either way for you ..... I sincerely hope it goes your direction and not hers!
Sending strength and good wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): i have male friends but I would never disrespect my fiancé and hang out at their house until 2am! If he is hiding messages then something must be going on! I wouldn't have said yes to his proposal and I know my fiancé wouldn't do anything if i wasn't happy about it. You need to seriously talk to him about it it's really not right him talking to another woman so much especially a woman u don't know! My fiancé knows all my male friends and that it's more like a brother sister relationship
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): well we just had a lovely evening by going out for a meal and i brought it up (i wasnt going to as i was dreading the inevitable fall out) anyway sure enough, my fiance got angry saying he is sick and tired of me trying to rule his life and he said i am basically telling him who he can and cannot see and he is sick of it and said shes just a friend and he isnt remotely interested in her. He followed that with "you have ruined the evening" when I tried to point out that it isnt normal behaviour he tried justifying it saying he wouldnt be bothered if I messaged other guys...funny that because I never do. I just dont know what to do, talking doesnt solve it, he is delusional thinking what he is doing is normal.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): The general rule of thumb is that you only keep friendships with the opposite sex that began before your own relationship started. Although your fiance knew this woman before you, some time had elapsed and you really don't know how platonic their friendship was as you have nothing to go on.When we met my partner had a female friend, newly separated with a young child and a bit clingy. I made sure I met her early on to see how the land lay and although he contacted her occasionally and went out to eat with her I made sure he only spent a couple of hours with her at a time in a public place and he was not allowed to "go back to her place". Over the years he saw less and less of her and she's remarried now.No-one gets to spend alone time with a member of the opposite sex late at night unless they are single. I'm assuming that if a guy from your schooldays contacted you and asked you over to his place one evening your fiance would be totally cool with that (not).I'd question how much she wants to get back with her husband if she has a man coming and going from her place at all hours. Doesn't she have any female friends or family to talk to? The whole coke issue would be a big red flag for me too as would deleting conversations.I think you need to have a calm but frank talk with him about all this and if he isn't considerate of your feelings decide what to do next.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (4 May 2016):
 Good for you to check his credibility. In this instance; deleting their conversations are a sure sign there’s something making the hen house crow.
The texting late at night is one thing, being her rescuer as some shoulder to cry on is another, but the Cocaine snorting incident, you really lost me on that one. How does an illegal drug get into this situation? Personally because there’s an illegal drug mentioned here, my foot would come down real HARD! For me I do not tolerate drugs, or have that kind of friendship; this I/he can no without. There be no debate or discussion for keeping this person as a friend – my word is final and his would be, YES DEAR.
Now I can understand this making you ill as this ‘female school friend’ appears to have slithered her way up his ladder of must keep friendships, fervently he says; "I will be seeing her again" Oh really?
The stern approach; Well my dear, if that is the case, be sure to take your dirty laundry over to her place for the doing! Or; Hey Babe, stick your ring up your ring hole and SNORT that up your nose when it comes out!
Alternative approach; Babe, this friend is making waves between us… I feel uncomfortable with what’s happened. I’m sensing (as a woman does) she’ll be inferring into our marriage, I don’t want that. Would you please tell her to text her friends instead of you? I want us to get back on track. Note that you don’t over talk to a man?
He’s response will show you where he stands. IF his response is negative, you must give consequences (not game playing) for his choices.
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2016):
Here is the thing you NEED consider.
If he thinks it's OK to pop around her house, to text all hours at night with her.... while being with you, dating, engaged and soon to be married - HE WILL NOT drop after the wedding. So SHE will be part of your life/marriage from now on. IF you do nothing.
IF she is SUCH a big part of his past WHY has he not introduced you to each other?
I have met my husband's ex-wife, his ex GF as well. I have TALKED to (over the phone) with his ex HS sweetheart (whom he has on FB and occasionally chats with) THEY all know me. Yes, the ex-wife hates me and I do NOT talk to her, but my husband doesn't talk to her either any more (their kids are mid/late 20's so he talks DIRECTLY with his kids, no need to involve her any more).
I will STRONGLY urge you to talk to him about why you haven't met and then talk about arranging it. I would NOT want her at the wedding but perhaps have her over for a lunch or dinner?
Now if she refuses to met you, I'd ask him WHY he thinks she is refusing. MAYBE it's because she doesn't like you, because YOU "have him" and she wants him.... OR he has talked smack about you... it's impossible to tell.
BUT I do think meeting her will make her seem like less of a treat and she (if she carries a torch) might realize that YOU are a good person and GOOD for him. That he is OFF limits.
And I also think you need to tell him;" I don't think you are cheating on me with her, BUT HOW would YOU feel if this was ME and an ex bf chatting at all hours and meeting up?"
I don't think what he is doing is OK. I think he is expecting you to suck it up because he "put a ring on it". So while HE might be serious about you, and not thinking about cheating... doesn't mean their friendship is healthy. She MUST have other friends to talk over her marital problems. Unfortunately I think your fiance suffers from the "while knight syndrome" where he thinks he HAS to rescue this ex in distress, when it's REALLY not his business. SHE is making it HIS business. And YOU are left to wonder why...
I also don't think as a GF/Fiance/Wife it's your place to tell him who he can be friends with and whom he can't... however... if there is a lack of respect for the relationship DUE to those friendships IT NEEDS to be discussed. He can't just "get mad" when you bring it up. YOU TWO need to talk it through. You need to STOP bending over backwards, by not bringing it up, by not rocking the boat - when it CLEARLY makes you MISERABLE. Is that a good start for a marriage? A marriage you hope will last?
BE the bigger person. Suggest you get to met her as she is obviously important to him.
Then evaluate when comes next.
...............................
|
