A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes: I sought advice about a relationship issue last week and received wonderful thoughtful advice from the people who responded. Their advice was taken, and it helped immensely. I showed my wife their comments, and I believe an unbiased ,anonymous viewpoint helped her (and I) to resolve the problem. I expressed my gratitude to them. Because of that positive experience, I am here again. My question isn't about a love relationship, but a friendship relationship, so I hope it qualifies. We have been neighbours and friends with a couple and their family for over 15 years. They have been our closest neighbours. The past 3-4 years we have distanced ourselves to some extent from them, mainly due to their heavy drinking. Although we have stayed on excellent terms with them, their lifestyle and ours were opposite. Now to the problem and question. Should a drunk person apologize when he is sober? In the middle of the night, my wife and I were awoken by our barking dogs. My neighbour was repeatedly banging on front door. I had no idea who it was until I reluctantly opened the door, (with one of my guard dogs beside me). He was obviously quite impaired. Raining outside, I invited him into the porch. He was extremely aggressive, at times nonsensical, and just plain belligerent and offensive. My wife later applauded me for keeping calm, and diffusing the situation. Without going into details the 10 minute visit ended with him and I shaking hands, although no apology was spoken. We were left bewildered and shocked at what had just happened , as it was completely uncalled for. OK...I understand he was on a rant, for whatever reason. My question is, should a drunk person who steps completely out of line and is extremely abusive to a long time friend and neighbour, apologize when he is sober? Your thought on this are appreciated. Thank you! Down in Durham
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Thank you to all that responded. I agree with all your answers, and appreciate you taking the time to write, and help. A quick update... He came over the next day and apologized. He apparently staggered home that night and after telling his wife his version of the events, was forced to sleep on the couch. She also called later in the day to offer her apologies for his behaviour. I tried to downplay the whole thing in order to make them feel better, saying that one little negative episode on 15 years was a pretty good record. She mentioned it hadn't been a good winter with him, and I read that as the drinking was the cause. My wife and I forgave and put it behind us, as it's done, and we appreciated talking to them both the next day. Thanks again for your thoughtfulresponses, and have a great day! Up in Durham
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Anyone who does something inappropriate SHOULD apologize but I agree, don't hold your breath waiting for it.In addition, if he was THAT drunk he may not even remember it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): I agree with k_c100,You're probably owed an apology, but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it. If he was so drunk he couldn't get himself home, he probably won't remember what happened at all. If you really want an apology, I would bring it up at later when he's sober.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 April 2011):
 I think they should. There's never any excuse for that type of behavior.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Well you would like to think that morals and decency would indicate that yes, you should say sorry when you are out of line, drunk or not.
However, he may be embarassed and wanting to pretend the incident never happened, or maybe he was so intoxicated he cannot remember it? They are both very real possibilities.
As much as him apologizing would be the right thing to do, I wouldnt hold your breath I'm afraid. You did incredibly well in that situation, so just be pleased you handled it so well and try and move on. If you see him again soon, maybe mention the night and just ask if he is ok now, or whatever it was he was ranting about is sorted now - and see how he reacts. You will be able to judge from his reaction if he is embarassed, or if he doesnt remember etc.
People with alcohol issues are never going to behave in the way that would be expected of a normal person. This is not an excuse so you forgive him, but perhaps just accept that this is just how he is, and hope that he will realise how bad his alcohol problem is soon and he will get help.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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