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female
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anonymous
writes: Warning: long, drawn out question(s)!I'm in kind of a funny situation right now... My boyfriend has moved away for a short period. His best friend just moved back to town.. When we all lived in the same state, we'd all hang out together, go shopping, party hopping or just sit around and talk. I'd say there were only a few times that I hung out with his friend by myself befor my boyfriend moved away. Now, his friend has always come to me when he needed advice about girls, his mom and just life in general. I never had a problem with that before as my man was always around and it never felt "intimate". Lately though his friend has been calling me up late at night between 11:00pm and 3:00am wanting to hang out or talk for hours on the phone. It's not how late the calls are as I'm generally up at those times just the frequency and that if I do go hang out with him I'm not supposed to tell his girlfriend that I did, he even asked me not to tell my own boyfriend. Now, there is NOTHING going on between us at all! Nothing that he should feel needs to be hidden from anyone. I understand that girls can be insecure(been there) and maybe thats why he doesn't want his girlfriend to know but why would he not want me to say anything to my boyfriend/ his bestfriend if theres nothing to hide? He's also done things like look into my eyes and say "_________ is sooo lucky to have you" or "Why can't I find a girl like you?" Am I just reading too much into this or does he have a little crush on me? Also, I don't have many friends as I'm painfully shy around new people so I don't want to ruin the friendship I do have with him but I can't help feeling awkward. It feels like I'm sneaking around when theres no reason to be! I haven't told my boyfriend yet as I don't want to mess up their relationship either... I'm also too shy to just flat out ask him what all this is about. I don't think he would tell me honestly either, one of those people that will lie to avoid a big stink no matter how badly the stink needs to be made! Any advice would help... Thank you!
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (18 September 2006):
 If you answer the phone late at night and it's him, just firmly tell him that it's late and not an appropriate time to call and hang up. But hopefully after you've had the 'chat' with him, he won't call anyway. I think that as you're uncomfortable maybe it is a good idea to not be with him unless anyone else is, but you don't have to tell him this, just make sure that you ask who will be there if he's making the plans. If he names other people and you get there and it's just the 2 of you, again, politely tell him you're leaving. He will get the message. I don't like secrets but if you tell your boyfriend, it could go one of many ways. He could side with you and end his friendship, he could laugh it off, he could say you must have led him on, he could pretend it didn't happen, so you could actually end up feeling unsupported. It's up to you, but maybe your chat will put an end to anything so you'll have less to 'tell'. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was really kind of hoping you would all say this was in my head. Now I realize it's not...
I will talk to him and ask him not to call me at night. Should I also ask him not to try to hang out with me if his girlfriend or another person won't be with us?
It's hard to not answer his calls as I don't have caller I.D. and when I get calls late at night I have a little heart attack and think whoever is calling has some emergency or that someone has passed away. He knows I do that so maybe now I think he's taking advantage of that.
He also knows that I would never cheat on my boyfriend (especially with his best friend) and I do rave about my boyfriend all the time, who wouldn't? He's wonderful. ;) What I don't understand now is how he IS interpreting our relationship... if it's so clear to me that we're just friends, how is he perceiving it as something else? I'm not flirtacious(hard to be when your shy). I'm not touchy feely. I'm a very jeans, sandals and a-shirt/"wife beater" type of girl. I don't "get cute" unless my boyfriends around. I don't go to clubs. I'm actually the exact opposite of the girls he tries to date!
This whole mess is confusing me... I just have to talk to him, during daylight hours!
Thank you all for your help... It's great advice and really helped me put this in perspective!
Oh, one more question: when we've had our little conversation and everything gets (hopefully) back the way it used to be, should I tell my boyfriend? I tell him everything as it is now... it would kind of feel weird to just leave this out. He's not the jealous type and he knows when I tell him something it's the truth. I really don't know if he'd even get upset at his friend since he never made an "offical" pass at me... I don't know... I'll figure out... something.
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female
reader, jessi +, writes (14 September 2006):
i think you should warn him off its not about the fact that he is almost the only friend you have got you need to do it, it will also help with future problems. there are going to be so many situations like these for you in the future and so you need to sort it before it gets out of hand think of how your boyfriend would feel if he found out? also i think that you havent got much self confidence and you need 2 work on it so you can meet new people because if you cant tell him 2 back of then hang around with other people until your bfriend gets back, and if your friend questions just tell him politely you dont feel comfortable the way he is acting around you and the calls ect dont let it lie good luckxxxxxxjessixxxxxxx
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reader, Herr Professor +, writes (14 September 2006):
 Ummmm, sweetheart, there might not be anything going on between you and him, but there's definitely something going on between him and you!
His behavior isn't really appropriate, especially the fact that he wants you to keep those late night tete-a-tetes secret from your boyfriend and his girlfriend. Basically he's asking you to deceive two other people. That should be a huge warning sign to you.
I would make it clear to him that you have no intention of lying to anyone to cover up his actions, reiterate that you consider him a friend only, and try to distance yourself from him. Believe me, secrets have a way coming to the surface, and I don't think your boyfriend's gonna be too pleased when he finds out what's been going on while he was away.
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reader, camille +, writes (14 September 2006):
I think you're right. The fact you say there's nothing between the two of you is probably only you thinking that or else he wouldn't be asking you to keep it a secret. You need to talk to him assertively and say that you don't want him to call you up so late. Or maybe just don't take his calls? Also if he mentions secrets ask him outrigt 'why?'. It's not fair of him to ask this of you. If you mention it to your boyfriend it could cause trouble so if you can handle this yourself and take charge that'd be good, but if he says anything else, tell him you feel embarassed and uncomfortable. In the meantime avoid being alone with him and politely make excuses. I if you can't handle asking him, talk about your boyfriend all the time and how great he is, he'll soon get the message. If you still have trouble, maybe put a spin on it and say "you know, this doens't feel right at all. If I had a best friend who was spending so much time with my boyfriend and saying these things, calling at all hours and kept it a secret I'd be really mad". That should do the trick. If he still doesn't stop, threaten to tell his best friend and girlfriend that he's coming on a bit strong!
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