A
female
age
41-50,
*isab495
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 10 years and have 2 daughters together, he recently befriended our next door neighbour due to a shared interest in motorbikes, therefore he started spending a lot of time in our back garden with our neighbour, my problem is with our neighbours girlfriend who also lives next door..everytime my bf goes outside she appears with or without her partner and starts talking to my boyfriend, giggling and laughing! She has made a point of going to him to show him that how when she gets a tan she goes brown and not red!! She shouts him to look at things she's made or drawn! I recently returned from work after my bf had cancelled meeting me for lunch because he was too busy working in our garden, to find him out there laughing, joking and drinking with her and a few others, listening to her saying.."we've had a real good day today haven't we” the other day I heard him say to her ”u love the sound of the rain don't u!” How and why should he know something like that?? When I've told him that all this makes me feel uncomfortable he just defends her and tells me I'm being paranoid! When we've argued about it he shouts out what I'm saying, including her name so she hears..she's now aware how I feel and it hasn't made any difference to the way she or he acts! Am I being paranoid or am I right in thinking they fancy each other!?
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female
reader, Smart girl  +, writes (12 October 2016):
I think you stay clam, get the evidence, divorce him, get his house and money, pack his bag. Help them prove true love. Now he get kick out and the girl next door can have him.You enjoy your single life. Lucky no need to care old husband.Sit back relax and laugh.Tell the neighbour. This deal have no refund.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (31 July 2012):
 I agree, he fancies her. If he won't take responsibility for how that damages your relationship then he won't be surprised when you decide to kick him out.
It isn't your responsibility to save things because you haven't done anything wrong but he very obviously has gotten bored and now has designs on the girl next door...what a stupid idiot, he deserves to lose you.
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A
male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (31 July 2012):
I completely disagree with the advice to stop doing anything for your boyfriend abruptly. That is advocating passive-aggressive behavior and will only compound the problem, not resolve anything.
OP, here is my view on this. I have learned the hard way, having gone through a divorce, that one cannot make someone else do or not do things, or act a certain way. If your BF is going to pursue this neighbor then it is his decision to do so. Same goes for the flirting, which you find inappropriate, even if he doesn't intend on going further with it. The best you can do is tell him exactly how it makes you feel, communicate the problem, and see if he changes. If he does not, then you will have to assess the relationship and decide if it is something you think can be salvaged or not.
The issue here, OP, is not your neighbor in particular. If your boyfriend has grown discontent and started acting this way, it really doesn't matter with whom. It is a sign that your relationship with him has weakened. So you can swat this particular fly, but the underlying problem will still be there, and another fly will come along and grab his fancy.
Communication is the key. That's really all you can do, and then observe how your boyfriend acts after you lay it all out for him.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2012): He likes the attention and you're feeding it. He will take it further if given the chance. Stand your ground. But don't complain to him anymore. That doesn't do you any good. Instead, ignore his behavior. If you do anything for him; dinner, clothes, etc. don't do it.If he's out talking with her, don't cook him dinner. You sit down and eat and let him worry about his own damn dinner. Don't wash his clothes, etc. When he confronts you simply tell him, "you're a grown ass man. You can do whatever you want. Talk to whoever you want. But I'm a grown ass woman. I've already told you it bothers me that you talk to her so much, etc and if you really cared about me you would respect that. Obviously you dont. So explain to me why I should care about what you want?"
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (31 July 2012):
 He's being a pain, he's lapping up the attention and definitely fancies her
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 July 2012):
 You are totally NOT paranoid and he does have a crush on her.He is flattered by her attention and although he is not yet in too deep it would not take much to sway him.This woman is NOT your friend at all.He is being utterly disrespectful to you as well by shouting out what you are saying so that she hears.If the new couple intends to stay there then he either smartens up or there will be major problems in the relationship.If he is using this as an 'out' so you will leave him then carefully consider your position. For IF this is his strategy then he is gutless.This problem needs to be resolved by him.If he will not resolve it then you are within your rights to make things a little uncomfortable for him.His first loyalty should be to you. But his allegiences are changing. That he would defend her and ignore or downplay your concerns is totally disrespectful behaviour.She may be younger, you did not say. But she may also be disenchanted with her guy and think that your guy can offer her more.No babysitting even if she offers it. This woman is trying to worm her way into de-stablizing your relationship and yet she may or may not want to end her existing relationship. Don't try to appeal to her better nature. she does not have a better nature. To her this is a game to test her attractiveness to other guys. Her guy might even condone it.Nip the "stay home to do the garden". That was a complete lie. I don't even think shifting to a new location with your guy will help as if he is flirting with ending the relationship with you then start playing hard-ball about custody and child maintenance. Consult a community legal team where the cost is low if there is such a service in your area. Otherwise consult the Citizen's Advice Bureau for what other options there are for you.And do not involve the children. it is not their fight.But I suspect the loss of daily access to his two children will hurt. Try to get him to see sense. And schedule some couples counselling ASAP as this situation is already getting out of hand. Try to keep calm on the surface in the face of his and her pathetic behaviour. Do not let her see you are distressed.It is distressing. But she will only give you grief and no solace. So get advice but do not even share all that advice with him.However if you do go to couples couselling do not hold back on how seriously hurt you are by his rude and selfish and unkind and disloyal and disrespectful actions and behaviour.What he is doing go way beyond a little bit of innocent fun. It is setting up the scene for him to say, "sorry, it just happened"And do not even give him the time of day if he dares to claim that you do not have "a sense of humour"A "sense of Humour" has nothing to do with the SHAMELESS way he is behaving. Except that will not be true as he is already allowing far too much to happen in the name of "just a bit of fun" as he flirts with her.
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