A
female
age
41-50,
*azzle
writes:does my best friend love me?i met a guy on an internet website last year. We were talking for about 3 months before we met up. he is 24 and i am 32. he is an artist and draws naked women as well as being extremely intelligent (he has two degrees from oxford and cambridge). we met in march this year after he had been staying at a girls house and she had asked him to leave as she had wanted to have sex with him and he did not want to. i travelled for 2 hours to get to him. we get on really well. he is my best friend and he tells me that i am his. he has only had two girlfriends before and both were traumatic for him. his first girlfriend self harmed and his second cheated on him. he is very unsure of everything and does not make decisions easily.we spend all of our free time together and are in touch throughout the day. i have met his family and he invited me to his graduation at oxford.we have been intimate together but only had sex together for the first time a couple of days ago.he talks about his last girlfriend a lot and says that he has been unsure about becoming intimate with me incase i want more. he also talks to lots of girls on the internet who he has never met. he has told me that the problem with being together is that i am older than him and he wants to be friends as things are never going to work. he is going to do his phd in october and will be moving away. it feels like we are in a relashionship but he says that we are not. can you help? am i being a walk over or does he care. he is sensitive and does not want to hurt me, but am i wasting my time with him. i am getting mixed messages. i truley love him. help :S
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male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (6 September 2009):
He likes you a lot, that is clear. But it also seems pretty clear that he doesn't want to make any commitment.
Is that because he isn't over his ex yet? Maybe. Because he is worried about the age gap? Possibly. Because he knows he is moving away to do his Phd? Could be.
Whatever the reason, if he is just looking for a best friend then that is all you should be offering him. Do best friends have sex together? I think you can answer that yourself.
I'm sure he does care, and has resisted the urge to sleep with you because of that. But he is only human, and if he knew you were available to sleep with it would have been like a itch - sooner or later the will not to scratch it would evaporate - so by offering him intimacy you were playing with fire.
Largely it is up to you to define what happens next. He has been clear he wants to be friends so why not be his friend and put a stop to the intimacy. If he doesn't like losing that aspect of the relationship the ball will be in his court to decide if he wants to have you as a partner in order to regain it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): having sex with you was misleading. he didnt tell you until after he wasn't ready to settle. i'd say he is not using you, but already did use you. no more sex for him.
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