A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey dearcupids! some advice would be very much appreciated. Me and my boyfriend have been together 6 months and are in a happy relationship. He treats me better than any man has ever treated me before and is always there for me when I need him. I've been through a lot this year and without his support, I don't know how I would have coped. I can't imagine my life without him now that he is in it.So you're probably wondering, what could possibly be the problem here? Well there's two issues really. My boyfriend is a heavy drinker, mostly on a weekend but if he is off work then you can guarantee he'll be in pub during the week too! It's been niggling at me for months because I genuinely care about his health and he really irritates me when he's drunk, especially when he texts me and can't even type properly. I've cried a few times because of his binge drinking, it just really gets to me. However, if I'm with him at the pub (which isn't much of the time as I don't drink often), it doesn't really bother me. We always have a good time together. Anyway, I had a talk with him last weekend about his drinking. I reached a point where I just couldn't hold back as I was so upset with him going out 3 nights in a row! To put it simply, he gave me insight as to why he does it (from what he said I feel it all boils down to his poor upbringing) and he also told me he won't change, he's done it for years. So the only option is to accept him as he is, but to be honest he has been considerate towards me about the issue. He said he would keep me company tonight and have a quiet night in instead of going out with his mates (although that didn't go to plan) but at least the thought was there. I've also told him not to text me while he's out at pub so that I don't get as angry with him. So that's one issue explained (I'm sorry this post is so long). Secondly, I've been deep in thought today and discovered that there is a deeper issue, which I have never before acknowledged. I hate to admit it to myself, but I feel resentful towards him spending time with other people. For instance, today, he has spent the whole day with his housemate. He text me earlier saying what a great day he's having and that they're having a good laugh. When he told me that I felt my heart sink, initially I thought it was because they had gone drinking together but I realised that I actually feel jealous about him not being with me (even though I couldn't see him today as I've been out with my family).He talks about work a lot too. Reflecting back, I always feel a tinge of resentment when he goes on about how he loves being around his workmates because they all joke around. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way. His life doesn't revolve around me and neither should I expect it to. I love spending time with him and I miss him constantly when he's not around. I'm sure that part is normal, but the fact that I have developed these selfish thoughts and only wanting him to be with me is making me feel bad about myself. How can I overcome this? I know he loves me and I trust him 100% so I can't understand why I feel this way. I've never been a clingy/possessive person either. I'm considering whether my past involvement with a man has caused these feelings? He treat me badly (blowing hot and cold) and kept me hanging on a string. I wanted him more than anything but he was never really mine. He messed with my head constantly, then after nearly a year I discovered the truth behind his lies so I cut contact and moved on. At the time, the experience had such a negative impact on me. When I found my current boyfriend I was amazed at how I managed to put the past behind me - although it was a struggle for me initially. Again, I apologise for this being so long. Just to make clear what I am asking... Does my anger towards my boyfriend's drinking reflect deeper issues I have? What can I do to overcome the resentment I feel towards him having a good time with other people? and lastly, can my feelings be explained by past experience? Thank you in advance for taking the time to answer my questions.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (26 July 2012):
 Believe me... regardless, if you are OK with his drinking when you are there with him... it IS a problem (for BOTH of you, ultimately).... and isn't going to go away until/unless HE addresses it..... Take it from someone who continually abused alcohol, until a serious incident opened my eyes!!!!!Then, as if to "pile on" you reveal that you aren't happy with his socializing without you.... and that's something he does frequently....Be honest with yourself.... is THIS the best you can come up with for a special man-friend/partner? IF "yes," then go ahead and plunge in and take your licks.... IF "no," and you'd like to avoid the angst and despair that you are letting yourself in for.... then find another man-friend... and don't be afraid to be by yourself until you find a "good" one!!!.....Good luck...
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 July 2012):
 I think this sentence says it all "However, if I'm with him at the pub (which isn't much of the time as I don't drink often), it doesn't really bother me. We always have a good time together."
Therefore you have NO problem with him drinking when you are together, your only problem is when he drinks without you. Which again links back to your resentment of him having a good time without you. Your past might have something to do with it yes, it sounds like you were messed around massively and now you are trying to hold onto this good relationship so hard that you are smothering your boyfriend and upsetting yourself when he goes and has a goof time without you.
So how do you solve this? Get a life basically (not meant in a nasty way!). You need to learn to have a good time without your boyfriend, so you dont resent him when he has a good time without you.
His drinking is not a problem at all, when I read the first bit of this post I expected him to be an alcoholic or at least causing serious problems in your relationship because of his drinking (i.e. he becomes abusive when drunk etc). The reality is he likes to go to the pub to let off steam after work with his mates, which millions of people around the UK all do. That is not a drinking problem, so there is nothing he needs to change here.
What needs to change is you, and your dependency on your partner to be happy. It is fantastic that you have met a guy who makes you happy, but at the end of the day you need to know how to make yourself happy and enjoy life as an individual otherwise your dependency on your partner will become suffocating and will lead to the demise of the relationship.
What hobbies and interests do you have? How often do you see your friends and family? What do you do outside of school/work? If you are still in school/Uni, do you have a part time job? What do you enjoy doing in your life that doesnt involve your boyfriend?
Time alone and time doing other activities independent of each other is critical in a relationship, without it you will end up driving each other mad and you wont have anything to talk about! You need your own interests to have a decent conversation with your partner, if you spent all day every day together doing the same things you would run out of things to talk about and would get very bored.
Learn to make yourself happy and enrich your life so you dont rely on him so much, learn to be a little more independent and you will soon see that your issues around your boyfriend having fun without you will soon fade away.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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