A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK. Does love honestly overcome everything? I have been seeing someone for around a year and a half. I have my daughter (8)and she has a daughter (7) and a son(5). We have both been single for 3-4 years so are both use to doing things our own way. We tend to be absoultely great when we are together and I am crazy about her. But when we are away, we fight constantly. She hates that I have a good relationship with my exwife (her ex is not in the picture at all so she doesn't know how important keeping that relationship is). She tries to control that situation. Got mad about having a joint bday party, sitting together at sports events our daughter was involved in, and overall that we are ok friends (although we do fight at times). It is strickly coparenting and no boundaries are crossed. There are no personal conversations, time together, or anything that would resemble an emotional connection. The only time we are around each other are when there are events for our daughter period! But the insecurity from her really really bothers me! So that seems to be a constant disagreement. The girls mother absolutely hates me, because she is pushing for her to get married to give her two kids a dad and I am not wanting to rush at all. She is very close with her mother and that has been a huge prob as well. It has resulted in her constantly pushing for more and the pushing results in me pulling back! We parent totally differently. I am much more strict. My daughter has grown with me and she knows when I say no, I mean no. Her kids (who I adore!!) do tend to push her around. She will occasionally get angry and get on to them after ignoring them and being much more patient than I ever could. I just cannot overlook disobedience! I just was not raised that way, and could not imagine telling my child "dont do that" and them doing it anyways with no consistent consequence to their action. This is another issue that I have a very hard time with. I feel she would even let me be more strict with them if we did marry, but I do not feel it is fair to be thrown into the bad guy position while other changes are taking place. But I do know the differences in discipline would definately be a huge issue. We think totally different. She it more of the "high maint" type due to being a little spoiled over the years, where I am totally the opposite and have a hard time giving her the constant attention that she needs. I am more of a "my actions speak louder than words" type. I am not as good at discussing my feelings like she is and she constantly get mad that I do not say sweet things out of the blue more often. She needs "I miss you, I love you, I cannot love witout you on a regular basis." I have tried to do that more and more but its hard for me to really want to when shes telling me to all the time! Money would no doubt be an issue as well. She is more of a spender and I am much more of a saver. And I guess the last prob is our daughters. We both have concerns about jealousy issues with our daughters being so close in age. They are totally opposites and we worry about future problems there. My life has been all about my daughter! She does not know if I can make room for 3 more. I want to! I know I love her! I just have concerns that maybe we really have more obstacles that if we are already fighting over will eventually make us both miserable no matter how much we do love each other. I realize that I have told all the negatives and not all the positives in our relationship. There are many of those or I would not even be looking for input. I am just wondering if people are right by saying my judgement is clouded by feelings alone and it will bear nothing more that heartache down the road. Should I love her enough to walk away?
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ex-wife, I love you, jealous, money, my ex, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 Have you talked to her yet? What does she say? Did the arguments start because she doesn't feel like you love her as much as she loves you, or is it really about differences? I can tell you this from my own experience. There seems to be many differences that my boyfriend mentioned but once we commit more to each other, I feel more secure in the relationship and those issues that were once there, just vanished. He even told me not to be too harsh on my son, because my son looks stiff around him. If she is pouting, then you argue well. You have to be aware that many couples scream and shout. Don't pretend she is not mad. Deal with it now so it doesn't resort to shouting later. If you don't deal with it then she thinks you don't care and would think it's not safe to talk to you. Then she bottles up her feelings. That's the reason why women start to raise their voices.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): In response to the differences between my daughter and hers...mine lives with me. And she is the first girl in our family in several generations. I have all brothers. Because of this she is more tomboyish. We wrestle and play sports and do stuff that dads do. Her daughter is very much like her. More make up and barbies and nails. Not that my daughter wouldn't enjoy this occasionally but it is just not as much her personality right now. Partly due to her growing up with just her dad I suppose. When we are together she is usually playing with her son outside more while her daughter is inside. And my gf acts as if I don't pay her daughter the same type of attention. It's not that I do it intentionally. If I am wrestling with her son my daughter wants in on the action where as her daughter stands clean and wants no part. I guess it's harder for me to relate to her. And there have really been no arguments about money yet because we do not combine any money. But I see the way she likes the nicest things. Granted it is usually for her kids which is a good thing. I am more about a limit. If I set a limit of $200 for bday then that's what I stick to. Where as she is going to go all out without a concern for limits. That's hard for me to grasp. Granted money is really not a problem but I was raised very conservative and learned to appreciate things much more than most people. I just see it being a future concern with her more than it really is at this point in time. I realize it is healthy to argue sometimes but we don't argue really well. She has more of a "pouty" attitude when she does not get her way. Even if I cannot come over on a particular day she gets all sulky about it and I'm not real good at handling that. Instead of accepting it or even talking about it she prefers to pout. I find it immature and frustrating and it eventually leads to me being "an a$$" cause I ignore it and act like she's not mad. It's not that I don't care it's just that I hate dealing with the pouting. My feeling for her have not been a prob. She would make a good wife and mother. She wants to stay at home and I would prefer that as well. I just am worried that we have too many differences in our personalities to ever make it work. Thanks for your replies!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): Dude, don't do it. If you're already having this many issues and your not even married yet, this train can go nowhere but off the tracks. Not everyone we love or fall in love with is meant to be our mate for life. Reread the last line of what you wrote, "Should I love her enough to walk away?" Short answer, yes. Obviously I can objective because I don't know you but the fact that you fight about money now can only get worse, especially if she's high maintenance. There will never be enough for her. That alone should send you packing. If you want to hear all of this again and more, get yourself to a marriage counselor who will more than likely give you the same advice we're giving you here. Cut your losses now before your children and hers get anymore attached to the situation and go.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (11 February 2011):
 There are definitely some red flags here and you are wise to question your compatibility with this woman. I realize you love her very much, and I have no doubt she has wonderful qualities of her own, but I wouldn’t advise to jump into marriage with her anytime soon.
First, your daughter’s welfare is your number one priority. I think it is wonderful that you and your ex have set aside your differences, so that you can come together for the sake of your daughter. While I can understand your girlfriend’s apprehension about this, she needs to come to terms with this arrangement and fully accept it.
Second, the differences in parenting are a concern. Before you get married, the two of you need to come to an agreement about the way in which the children will be disciplined. I would be worried that your girlfriend’s parenting tactics, and her children’s reluctance to obey her, might be a bad influence on your own daughter.
Third, it’s unfortunate that the girls are so close in age. Inevitably, there will be jealousy and spats between the two of them. This may not be much of a problem now, but it will likely become more of a problem as they get closer to their teen years. You said the girls are opposites. How exactly are they different?
Fourth, your differences in the way you handle finances, is a major problem. Money is one of the leading causes of divorce. I’m much like you, in that, I like to save money and spend wisely. So I can attest to the fact that it can be very frustrating when your partner does not share your views about finances.
Finally, I wanted to bring up one more important point. You said you’ve been dating this woman for about a year and a half. Personally, I think that’s more than enough time to know whether or not this woman will make a suitable wife. Your apprehension tells me you are not entirely certain that this relationship will work, and I admire you for being cautious. Unfortunately, love does not conquer all. That’s one reason the divorce rate in the U.S. is so high.
Anyhow, I am interested in hearing your response to my post, as well as what direction you are leaning toward. Please keep us updated. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 February 2011):
Don't get married so soon. What's your housing situation? Can you let the four of them stay during the weekend and if all is good then have them stay longer?
There are stages of a relationship where you learn from each other's differences. I guess opposites do attract. Can you romance your differences and tell yourself this is who she is but i love her anyway? Differences can drive people apart but when you look at it in a positive way, it can add spice and variety to life. After all you don't want a carbon copy of yourself. Here is a time to really understand where you all come from. Why is she so insecure? And she has to find out why do you have doubts? The frustration that you may be feeling may drive you to ask for alone time and space for a while. Why don't you think things over with her? Find out if you can talk without arguing.
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