A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,To start off we are both maleToday I asked a friend of mine to stop playing his music up full volume while he was round mine as I had to concentrate on something. He had his other friends with him and he said no, this doesn't sound right unless its up loud. I confronted him in-front of his friends and I said to turn it down as it was stopping me concentrate and probably upsetting the neighbours. He shouted at me that he didn't care, I shouted back with, well I DO! I said i'd kick him out and not let him in my flat again with or without his friends if he didn't do as I asked. He backed down and said "aw don't do that.." He then said they were off and left. Thing is were really close as friends and I was surprised because I felt disrespected by him especially challenging me in-front of other people. However he did look slightly remorseful when I gave him that altermatium of he couldn't come back. I spoke to a female friend and told her what I have put here and she spoke to him and then told me later on that he's sorry and wants to apologise to me tomorrow. She also told me that hes been under a lot of pressure lately and the fact he can be blunt with me shows that he is comfortable with me and I should be flattered in effect. He is sometimes blunt or rude with me (which ever way you look at it) and I usually give it back in a carcastic way but I draw the line of having it in-front of other people. He does get to me more than most though.What does everyone else think, is he using me for my home and generosity or just a friend who really just needs a heart to heart chat?
View related questions:
neighbour Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, well I have enjoyed reading your answers. Well this morning my friend came to see me. He looked me in the eye and said "I'd like to apologise for my behaviour yesterday", I replied with "I don't mind you being blunt etc but not in-front of other people like that and if your having a hard time we can talk about it if you want. "Are you ok?", "sure?" "yeh i'm ok". "I do give a toss about you and you know where you stand with me don't you?" "Yea I do". Ok well apology accepted, lets say no more about it. With that he told me about how boring his next lecture was, we laughed and off he went. He's at Uni and its exam time for him so I guess the answer is obvious. I am working full time. He did have some problems last year I was the only person he could talk too and it made us closer friends from then on. I wouldn't chuck this away but I'm no door mat.
Thanks all
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (1 March 2011):
Does losing your temper show you care? - I think it depends on how often someone loses their temper and how little it takes to trigger it and what it's about. People who lose their temper often, or over small things, are just throwing tantrums not necessarily being more "caring".
and the thing is, some people feel that they don't have to be considerate or civil in the name of "honesty" or bluntness. And then they wonder why people can't stand them. in a partnership, if your partner makes you feel uncomfortable often, that's going to build a wall of defense around you sooner or later.
Ironically the people I know who pride themselves on being brutally honest and not mincing words (saying that politeness or civility is for politically correct wimps) also tend to not be able to handle it when other people do the same back at them.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 I really doubt he would have "stepped up" to you if his friends weren't there. No guy wants to be seen as spineless, whipped or a pushover in front of his friends. I also don't think he would have "stepped up" to you if he knew how much him playing music was bothering you. Now, in him standing up to you but then backing down saying "aw don't do that", then leaving, he actually would have come across to his friends as MORE of a pushover. He easily could have escalated this further, but he chose not to.I certainly wouldn't say from what you've said that he's using you for your home or generosity. The fact that he's planning to apologize should speak for itself. He's a mate, mates forgive each other. Having said that, I think you'd gain a lot of respect if you meet him in the middle when he apologizes and apologize to him as well. Say that you perhaps could have handled the situation better or pulled him aside to talk in private instead of in front of his friends. Being open and self-reflective will make it a lot easier for you guys to have a man to man talk and see if there's any underlying issues or protocols you could come up with for certain problematic situations to make living together more harmonious in the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 I think he's just not that socially adapt. He hasn't learned how to act appropriately. I make blunders like that myself, forget to respect people I should respect and just speak my mind without thinking. Or mess up in other ways, only to regret it later. If he's having a hard time letting people close, showing emotions is difficult. Even when it comes to anger. I had a very hard time showing people feelings when I was younger, and if challenged I didn't really know how to handle the situation right. It was a hit and miss with me, sort of spinning the wheel and trying to react in one way, to see if that would fly or not.
Sounds like he's doing the same. He probably saw someone stand up to their friend in front of others, and thought "oh so thats what you're supposed to do" or something. Then he got it slammed back in his face that he wasn't supposed to do that.
I think he doesn't have his social antennas fully developed yet, nothing else. When he apologies, it'd be great to forgive him and have him back as a friend. I think he'll be a great friend once he learns how far he can push you, and how to respect you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ivan1  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Losing your temprament is not the best way to show you care yet as human it is not nice when disobeyed. The only way to show you care is to talk to the person after the incident, in a more relaxed mood he/she is. I suppose after that encounter,when such event arises she/he will be careful. Loosed temperament attracts hatred.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): He was rude and disrespectful to you..not hurting inside and pleading for you to give him therapy.
He lost his temper because he DOESN'T care what you think of him or how you feel.
He played his music loud because he's inconsiderate of you and others..not because he's sizing you up as his arm chair psychologist or supportive partner.
The LAST thing you want to do is reward him for his temper by turning yourself into a doormat he can walk all over.
...............................
|
