A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I wrote some months back about my relationship, and whether I should keep going and continue to try, or that was it. Here is the link: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/without-passion-is-it-worth-it.htmlI appreciate all your answers to my first question. Now there is an update. We have officially broken up. Today of all days, he happened to say in passing that I was very "particular" and that he has had to work around my "particularities" quite often and has had to accommodate me. I don't think he meant this maliciously, at all. But I did want to point out that it was a two way street in terms of accommodating to partners, because first no one is perfect and second because we are each independent people. I then asked why he was bringing this up, for what purpose, and he said he just wanted to acknowledge that I was "particular" and that maybe it's something I can work on. He then volunteered an example… He said that when we go to the gym together, because of me we can only go in the morning or at night, because I like to shower only in the morning or at night. Well, to be honest this blew my mind as to something I can "work on." I did tell him that he's not limited to going with me to the gym and he can go whenever he wants, that we don't have to go together. I won't go into more details regarding this conversation just because it seemed a little petty to me. But maybe that's the problem? I just think these are not big issues, they seem like such little issues. But maybe they ARE big problems… In any case, we argued a little about it, because I was a little insulted. I then said it's fine and we can move on. But it's true, I didn't say I would work on that issue (I just don't see what the big deal is…)He then asked if I was happy. I answered honestly, I was happy with him, I loved spending time with him. Then he answered basically saying it's not working out. He said that he has tried, but it's not working out. He's done this before to me, and I've talked to him and eventually we would get back together. But I realized today I can't make him do anything or feel anything for me. Me personally, I feel like he didn't appreciate me. We haven't argued in a long while. We were going out and having a great time. So I don't understand. In any case, I understand that he may have had a different viewpoint and there's nothing I can do except walk away. He cried and said he would miss me, but what do I do with that?Anyway. I guess the reason I'm writing to you again is that I am questioning myself. Am I crazy? I never thought of myself as such, but maybe I'm a really difficult person! Is not being flexible on when I go to the gym- is that so awful? He did acknowledge it's not a deal breaker at some point, and he gets that he can go when he wants to go and I've never stopped him… But then why bring it up? I guess I also want to know because I don't WANT to be a difficult person in relationships. I mean what's normal and what's not? It seems what I thought were small issues must have been big issues to him! I have no idea…. By the way, I'm sad about the end, but I accept it completely because I don't think it could have continued if I was "messing up" so much - neither of us would have been happy. Thank you again in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2016): Hi, it's the OP once more. Thank you, Maverick494. I wrote the question the same day as the break up. My emotions since have been up and down with regrets, self blame, then hopeful for a better future and accepting/feeling it's for the best. And then cycling back through again. I know where I made my mistakes for sure. I regret things, yes. I wish I could have been more flexible. But I think it was a compatibility thing because he wasn't clear at times to me, so I didn't know things were a problem until he burst out with generalizations. And I didn't respond as well as I should have to the generalizations, I felt he was pointing out flaws instead of asking for a favor or making a request. Maybe I didn't understand him and he didn't understand me. So I have things to work on for sure, but I'll be doing it for me. Thank you, Aunt Honesty :) I do have things I want to work on, but while I'm working on it, I hope there's someone who will accept me as I am.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 February 2016):
Don't put in too much stock of what he says, but it's a good moment to reevaluate yourself and maybe identify habits and preferences that you find annoying about yourself. Everyone has them, even if they're in denial about it.
I, for example, have a REALLY hard time getting up in the morning. I am just not a morning person and I will literally wake up 15 minutes before I need to leave for work and rush. I always get my morning routine done, but it's a hassle and it's annoying to have to do it that fast.
I also fear the potential judgement of complete strangers about completely trivial things. I am that person who, when I don't keep myself in check, will clothe myself in such a way that will garner the least (imaginative) attention of strangers I don't even care about. It's annoying.
Also I leave stuff lying around the house. I will eat something in the living room, remember that chore I need to do upstairs, forget to bring the dishes to the kitchen until my bf gets home asking me if I was waiting for him to get there to clean it up. (I always say "yes". It's a miracle we're still together).
I also talk too much, if you haven't noticed yet. I make stuff about myself (you most definitely have noticed that).
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, identify your own pet peeves. What's different between the person you are and the person you'd like to be? Try and work on those things. As you can see, I am still very much a work in progress. But I like to think being able to identify your own shortcomings is a first step.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 February 2016):
 Please just continue to be yourself. Someone one day will love you for who you are. Little quirks and all. It sounds like he was just trying to find some excuses to end the relationship and make it look like it was your fault. You be the person you are and be proud of who you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2016): Hi, the OP again.
Thank you, Janniepeg, you always make me feel better :) The part of me that's ok with walking away and not looking back is that at times I did feel that he was set in his ways and living his own life, and I was supposed to just fill in the empty spaces. I've already conceded so much, started trying to cook more, forgiven him all his insensitive comments and insults, and I couldn't believe he was telling me there was more I could change. I am ok with going forward, though I am sad.
CindyCares, thank you for your input. I will definitely work on myself more for the future, be more understanding and compromising.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 February 2016):
 You do not sound like a VERY difficult person- at least, you are nothing compared to me, LOL.
But.. I can sort of see where this guy is coming from.
He is basically telling you that you are fussy, not easy going, not flexible enough
Now, if the gym thing is the one an only thing you were adamant about, then he is the one nitpicking. But I suppose he is quoting that as an example of a more general attitude and mental frame.
Of course everybody have our likes and dislikes , our quirks- but in theory we should also have the wisdom and the generosity of not making all of them absolute deal breakers. There are habits and preferences that one could stand to ditch or modify , at least once in a blue moon , to make another person happy , or because it's more practical and convenient for the COUPLE, or as a sign of care and devotion, or... just for the heck of it.
Everybody is entitled to have preferences and routines, but at the end of the day, if you have 20plus things that must be
" just so ", ( not saying you are among them, OP ; just speaking in general ) well, then an allergy to compromise does not bide well for a happily relationship. And the person may end up to enjoy all alone her 20plus etched-in-stone things " that can't ever be changed ".
Maybe this guy ( that I am sure has his fair share of responsibility in the failure of your relationship !, because it Always takes two to tango ) is complaining more about a general outlook on things than about a single petty episode, which is just the incidental expression of a way of being and thinking ?
Like, you say this is a non-issue because anyay you can go to the gym separately. Oh sure of course. Same as if you are a particular sleeper who needs things in her bedroom to be just so (light, warmth, etc. ) then you can have each one your bedroom. And if you like to eat at different hours , then you can have separate meals. And if you like the mountains and he likes the sea, you can take separate vacations; if you like different kind of movies, each one can go to the cinema independently.....
The list can go on forever, the problem is that if either one is, or both are, so attached to " their way " that can't even consider finding an in-between, or just simply, every now and then, - pleasing the other person just because ... well then what's the point of attempting having a relationship, at the end of the day.
So, I must say, that, even being a very particular person myself,- I am not specially proud of it and I admit that yes this is a trait of personality that can, and perhaps SHOULD, be worked on.
Obviously, it all depends ; by how many " rules and regulations ", too many or a reasonable minimum, you enforce in your life- and by whom is the person who asks you to compromise : he is he worth it ? and, can he compromise too in your favour, occasionally ?
So, without knowing you, the guy and the situation, ... I can't exclude that he is just a spiteful jerk out to bring you down on yourself. BUT: for the same reason, I can't exclude that he may be, at least in part , right. Eventually, none of us are so flawless as we think we are...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 February 2016):
 You could have also bounced it back to him and say he's particular because he wants to go to the gym during the day time. Maybe he's not a morning person and at night he feels tired. To make an issue out of this signifies that he's the difficult one, not you.
He wants some puppy like girlfriend he can drag around. Some girl who could accommodate him, and can't say no to him instead.
By the way, I don't like taking showers in YMCA or in public pools. If I exercise at 3pm, I still wait and take my nightly shower at around 9 am. Maybe I am particular that way. Gym is not date activity. You go your separate ways in the building and only meet up afterwards. If you cancel a date because of your particularity then I would say it's a big deal.
I suspect he has some emotional issues and regularly needs to play the push pull game. There's really nothing wrong in the relationship. He's just creating mountain out of mill holes. It's his issue that contributes to the lack of passion. He can't open up. For him, a relationship means going backwards to find out what's wrong. In his mind, it goes through a loop, "you need this, then you need that, in order to have passion." It's frustrating to be with him because you will always find something you have to work on, and that's endless. A mindless, puppy like girlfriend would naively believe him and "work on" issues. Then there would be more and more of these nonsense assignments that she has to complete. I know you are smarter than that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2016): Hi, I'm the OP. Thank you, Honeypie. I appreciate your answer. At the end of the day, I won't know exactly what was going on his mind, what he didn't say to me. I agree this is OFF/OFF, and it will be. As I said, I've accepted this, and I can't make anyone do or say or feel anything for me, so it's really over. Thank you, WiseOwlE, too. You tell it like it is, and I don't mind the harshness, it opens my eyes. I'm definitely not going back or planning on having a last word at all, never did. I've already been there/done that, and today I just realized I can't make people love me, which is why I didn't fight him this time. I just left. I think right now I'm just feeling vulnerable. Like I've been awful all along, and I never realized it. I thought I was making concessions, really changing and bettering myself. But I think at the end of the day I do realize I think I was just a very difficult awful person. It's hard to face the facts sometimes, but I hope by knowing what I know, I can become a better person. Thank you again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2016): Communication is the key to a successful and long-term relationship. It takes honesty, a willingness to work things out, compromise, and effective discussion without arguments ensuing every-time a bit of constructive criticism comes your way.
Here's a bit of wisdom to digest. Communication is more effective before a breakup, than afterwards. What comes afterwords is emotional tit-for-tat, and mean-spirited bantering. Trading insults to get back at each other, by adding more sting to the breakup.
It's easy to tell other people what they do that irks us; but getting the same in return always seems a hard pill to swallow.
I think he was dropping a psychological-bomb just to get under your skin. However; if you know what he said is a fact, and you've dismissed many concerns he has articulated as small or petty? Well, those little dismissals add-up.
Who are you to always decide what is petty or what is insignificant? He has equal option to do the same. I guess that depends on your point of view.
If you have a consistency in disagreement and always end a discussion of your issues with arguments; this is nothing more than a battle of wills. You are incompatible, and it's all an exercise in futility. If you always dance around in circles, and the problem is just pushed aside in a ceasefire. Or worse, just swept under the rug to be regurgitated come the next fight. End it. It's senseless to keep dragging it on.
Some people just don't know when to quit and just get the hell out of each others faces. Volleying the "I-love-you's" back and forth; but there is always a "but!" There has to be compromise and an actual attempt to stop doing what you know creates dissension and disagreement in the relationship.
You also have to know when to just go your separate ways, and stop coming back with more to add to the last sentence. You can use only so many commas or semi-colons in a sentence. Eventually there has to be a period, question mark, or exclamation point. Something to establish or signify an end.
You are a difficult person, if you can't make a final decision and breakup and move-on. Always returning with more questions, or seeking to make just one more point.
Or, lifting the breakup to try one more time; again and again. Ultimately ending with the same result. Failure!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 February 2016):
 I think he brought up the "gym thing" because he REALLY didn't have any better example than that. Or he didn't want to say what he REALLY meant by it.
And unless you told him that HE could ONLY go to the gym WITH you if it was when YOU wanted too, I don't see it being a big deal.
Personally, I HATE going to bed with wet hair (and I don't like using a blow dryer). I have long hair so it takes a while to dry on it's own. Thus, I prefer to shower in the mornings. When I did go to the gym, I'd get up early and get the gym/work out done in the morning. It worked for me, I felt more motivated if I did it in the morning. (there is no excuse to NOT go, it one makes it a habit, right?)
If this has been an on'off thing, make it an OFF/OFF thing now. Cut the contact, move on. Relationships that needs "breaks" or are being ON/OFF don't really work, that is why it's ON/OFF.
I get that you find his "example" odd as a reason why you two didn't work out, because it IS a BS reason. But it was the "best" he could come up with.
And, honestly, BEING a little "peculiar" in WHAT you like is not a very good reason to call you "difficult" IMHO.
We all have our little kinks, quirks, preferences, likes and dislikes. As long as you are flexible and willing to compromise over-all, I don't think "difficult" covers you.
I have a LOT of little quirks, I like things "JUST SO" and my husband knows that, he KNEW it going into it 20 years ago. HE has some little quirks, it's part of who he is.
UNLESS these are MAJOR deal- breakers I would NOT say it means people can't make it work.
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A
female
reader, Mrs.S  +, writes (14 February 2016):
You just need a guy who loves you for who you are. When you find the right guy he will be happy with whatever you prefer and you will be happy with what he wants, so any negotiations should be made easily without stress. We are all unique and as long as you can look at yourself and know that you are a kind and caring person then you are definitely not crazy. Some guys like to use excuses like its the women's fault when things go wrong but it's obvious they are no longer in love and just need to end the relationship. Move on and feel good about yourself.
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