A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I am considering dating a man who is about 15 years older than me. But I have a few reservations.1.)The age gap of course. 2.)I am still in the process of a LONG divorce, which should be finalized this month.3.) I have a strong EMOTIONAL/sexual connection with an ex but since this will not amount to anything I have decided to actually begin dating again. I have already told him (fwb) about this, mainly because I want to start an honest relationship with someone new. (even though moving on is heartbreaking)4.) I have 3 children. But they are truly good kids and would be respectful to a new partner.So my question is....are these reasons considered too much baggage and then would the age gap on top of it cause too many complicated issues?This man seems very sincere and I am also attracted to him, I actually thought he was much younger at first. But I am just afraid that I really don't have much to offer him. I am an attractive woman, but a relationship shouldn't be based solely on good looks. He does know I have children and am going thru a divorce. And I feel the only way to forget my fwb (sad to say that I had more feelings for him than my ex-husband) is to begin dating someone new.Opinions please...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): OP here...
Thanks for all of the responses. I understand how being single for a while can help and will also avoid bringing baggage into a relationship...but it is hard to do. :) My divorce has been ongoing for 2 years and I feel my kids have adjusted pretty well. I do give them my time and love....they are my life. Actually my oldest (son-15) is hinting that I should date...obviously they dont know about my ex-fwb. And I think one of the reasons contributing to my failed marriage is that I HAVE rediscovered myself. I learned that I deserve to be happy, became active in my own interests, and I grew more confident every day. My husband wasn't too happy about this since he was used to the quiet, submissive wife....and I am far from that now.
Anyway, thanks for the responses. I do not intend to toy with anyones feelings and do not like hurting people either. So I have not went on a date with the new man yet....taking it very slow...only talking on the phone so far. And my ex-fwb is still my ex. I don't doubt that I will always have him in my heart (just as many with their first love) but I realize that relationship is not good for me. I will attempt at being single for a while, it gets a little easier each day.
Thanks. :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012): I would take time for myself. Just enjoy being with your family and keep yourself busy with things you love to do, or work and your friends.
It does not sound like you are ready for a serious relationship just yet. You do have baggage to sort out before moving on. It is very unfair to any new person in the picture that you decide to date them because you are trying to get over someone else. This is wrong. You need to be alone and get over that person and then you can be truly available, with all your heart and soul, to give freely to someone in a new relationship.
I think it is wrong to be with a new man because you will be leading him on and hurting him. He may really like you. You need to be honest with the new man and let him decide if he wants this kind of a relationship, with a woman who has strong feelings, emotionally and physically, for another man. He will likely feel he deserves more and will probably want to know that you are into him completely and not trying to use him to forgot someone else. If you really feel this way, you need to cut him loose now before his feelings get involved too deeply. It is not nice to hurt people and toy with their emotions when we do not know what we want or feel. We need to be clear with our own feelings and intentions before we involve other parties.
You can't get over someone by dating another person because the person you care deeply for will always be in your heart and will always be present in your new relationship. It is doomed before it really begins. It is unfair to the new man to do this to him. Age difference isn't the biggest issue here even though it is is a very big age gap. The issue is your not being ready to move on.
You do need to forget men for now and think about your children and yourself. Focus on being a mom and healing your heart. Once you have done that you can find someone to make you happy because being in a relationship involves being fully committed to someone by being available. You aren't emotionally available to anyone right now.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (4 May 2012):
 I am a person who needs space between relationships to find me. unfortunately I need a lot of space. some people are the opposite. your problem isn't about baggage its more about whether you're ready to move on. I guess I'm saying the same as k_c100. if you know where you are who you are and what you want then go for it.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 May 2012):
 Replacing one man (your FWB) with another is not going to make you move on from your FWB. It just means you will drag all your left over baggage and emotions from one relationship to the next, meaning that you will never have a sucessful relationship again.
What will help you get over the FWB is BEING SINGLE. Be alone, I mean completely alone (no FWB's, no dating, not even 'talking' to any men) for a good few months and learn to be on your own. This is a huge task in itself - you have been married and then straight into another relationship with your FWB that hasnt worked out, you have never allowed yourself time just to be by yourself and come to terms with these 2 failed relationships.
So many women make the same mistake as you - they bounce from one relationship to the next for the following reasons:
1. They are afraid of being alone
2. They think a new man will help them get over the last man
3. They are hurting from the previous relationship and to numb the pain they get into another one which distracts them from their problems.
So what do you do now? Cut of contact with your FWB and your older man, get the divorce finalised and then focus on getting used to single life. Your children will be going through a lot because of this divorce so they should be your priority, not dating.
Being single is daunting when you have been in relationships for so long, but in order to be happy in a relationship you need to know how to be happy single. After all, how can a man make you happy if you dont know how to make yourself happy?
This time alone will give you time to rediscover yourself, figure out what you actually want from life and from a relationship. Figure out what makes you happy, what doesnt - where do you want to go in life? Take at least 3 months out from men and dating, 6 months would be better but not many people are capable of being single for extended periods of time.
I promise you at the end of it you will be (hopefully) free from all emotional baggage, you will have a clear idea of what you want in a man and what you want from a relationship - and this will make your next relationship far more sucessful. Overall you will be a better person, you will be happier, more confident and stronger - you will never waste time with the wrong man again, you will be more attractive to men because of your confidence and overall you will be far better relationship potential becauase the baggage has gone.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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