A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I would like to know your opinion on intelligence within a relationship. Does intelligence between two people in a relationship matter? Does it matter if one person is smarter than the other. My boyfriend always claims that he's a nerd just because he knows a lot of scientific facts and how-to's. He loves to draw but doesn't necessarily have an interest in art history. We went to school together so he was academically better than me. However, while he is better at math and science, I excel in writing and philosophical things. I graduated with BA degree and he graduated with an AA degree surprisingly. I can be naive with a lot of things. He is too. Though he claims he is smart nonetheless. I just feel offended at times because he'll boast about how smart he is. Honestly, I think it's childish and it's like he says he's smarter than me. I think he may have a bit of narcissism... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2020): HiI always believed Intelligence and Wisdom were two separate entities and what one considers smart can actually be the opposite 'sometimes'. Science is wonderful as is mathematics, but so is the rest, just as important in life's tapestry. Scientists understand that the arts can meet it. Medicine understands that writing, painting, dancing has its part to play in Stroke and Parkinson's' rehabilitation even though considered in the curriculum soft subjects. Scientists and doctors study the Quack notions of life after death (NDE'S)a subject that many people scoff at. Holistic therapies becoming social prescribing medicines, the old tales of herbs, and plant flowers healing, we had to be witches and dealing in magic. Intelligence comes in many shapes and forms, a scientist who studies atoms and understands the principles of sound therapy can not deny that an energy healer can not work with invisible energy. Pythagoras discovered musical intervals and taught that you could heal using sound and harmonic frequencies. He was the first person to prescribe music as medicine. Pythagoras stated each celestial body, in fact, each and every atom, produce a particular sound on account of its movement, its rhythm or vibration. Yet some of us scoff at the notions of music been important in a scientific way.There are many things that man does not understand, only a fool thinks he knows everything and has not experienced anything. No amount of qualifications or titles really matter, it's how we do what we do that counts.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2020): Hello, OP here. I really appreciate and enjoy your responses. They made me think about how I feel about my boyfriend being smart. Yes, I am very proud of him being smart because he does share knowledge with me and I do the same for him. In response to Youcannotbeserious, I'm not sure if my boyfriend believes I'm smarter than him. If he does, he doesn't bring it up. Now that I see it, we are both insecure. It's just hard to discuss.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2020): My dear, forgive the male-ego! Some guys are a stable-genius; with the "best words"... and know more about things than gifted-scientists with several doctorates and specialized-degrees in science!!! Some don't read, or listen to highly-qualified advisors; because they've inherited and/or have acquired knowledge through their DNA! Yet they achieve high positions, to everyone's astonishment and disbelief! Even if all the accolades are self-awarded; and the claims of superhuman-powers, are self-proclaimed! Stop that!!! I see that smirk on your face! I wasn't speaking of anyone in particular!
Your boyfriend is insecure, and he isn't really reassuring you; he is reassuring himself. You know that he's intelligent, but he probably feels it's necessary to remind everybody he's a smart nerd. Some "nerds" only master the things they hold a passion or obsession for; and are total-dummies on everything else! Most nerds I know, I'm a nerd, can't help but gush all the information we know. Where would we put it? If we don't let it out, we'll explode!!! Demeaning and condescending to everybody else, only makes a person a conceited narcissist! Ya gotta stay humble, or be called-down a few pegs!
Reassure him that you know he's a lovable-nerd, and that's why you chose him! Ever-boasting about it grates your nerves! If he keeps drowning you in it, you'll start to believe he's also conceited! Nothing wrong with being confident or self-assured; but there is a limit to what everybody can stomach! His boasting doesn't drop your IQ by any percentage points, you're stronger in other areas! If you understand and easily communicate with each-other, you're just fine!
Intellectually, it helps when people are on equal-footing in ordinary areas to avoid incompatibility.
Most-often, we compliment each other by compensating for the faults or shortcomings of our partners, and vice versa. We need to have some differences or slight-inequalities that come from just being individuals with our own ways, opinions, and personalities. You're treading on touchy-territory when consciously comparing intellects or IQ's! People like that are rarely liked! Challenging people for the sake of intellectual-stimulation is one thing; but trying to make others look stupid, reflects back on the jerk who's doing it!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 August 2020):
 I want you to look at what you wrote:
"Honestly, I think it's childish and it's like he says he's smarter than me. " - it's LIKE he says he is smarter. No, a HE says he is smarter.
I think HE is actually also a wee bit insecure (so are you) thus he brags about it (to boost himself up) and thus YOU get annoyed (because it makes you feel like he THINKS he is smarter).
The thing is, it really doesn't matter. A person can have a super high IQ but be a total dummy.
And you can have a person wit ha lower IQ score who is street smart for instance.
You can have a high IQ and be unemployed and unsuccessful. And you can be "dumber" and have a good job and great career.
Next time he boasts, just say, Yes you are smart, after all you picked me :) and then move on.
Each person have their own skills set and in a relationship it shouldn't BE a competition. If I knew my husband was super smart I'd be proud of him. Just like my husband is proud of things I am good at. I'm probably more book smart than my husband, and more "practical" but he is super good at adapting to new things, he knows his limits, he is very good at networking, at bringing people together that can benefit from meeting one another. He is a doer, I'm a planner. Which makes for a decent combo.
Be each other's positive influence, peach other's cheerleaders, bring out the BEST in each other, it's not a competition.
You have certain areas YOU excelled at, HE has certain areas HE excelled at, SO what?
However, IF HE ever states point blank that HE is smarter than you, maybe is is not just immature and insecure, but also not the person you should be with.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (14 August 2020):
 I wonder, what are the chances that he feels the same way about you and you do about him? Does he secretly feel YOU are actually the smarter one so over-compensates by exaggerating his own intelligence? Just a thought and I would love to hear his side of this.
This is a prime case of not being able to control what someone else does or says but being able to control how you react to what is done or said. You can get wound up about it and feel offended, or you can laugh it off and smile at him fondly and say "yes dear, you are very smart" and move on to something else.
If you really feel offended by it, then it is pointless carrying on the relationship. Draw a line under it and move on. Why would you want to feel offended by your partner all your life?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2020): What is intelligence? It has nothing to do with knowing facts. You can read every book that has ever been written and it does not prove you are intelligent. You can pass degrees and get diplomas, once again this is not proof. Intelligence is about logic and common sense.In England there is a well established and reputable group called MENSA. If you want to prove you are smart you take their tests and you can become a member. Schools used to give such tests to the kids to work out which kids went to a better school, very few achieved that. I did both.Usually I forget about it and do not think about it at all. But when I was single and available the last thing I wanted was a lazy guy or a stupid guy. I knew from experience and common sense that lazy guys assume I will share my property, investments, savings etc with them and provide for them - they are also very boring company.Two nerds together usually get on well, in this case I doubt that opposites attract unless one is a hard worker and the other a gold digger. The fact that a couple are together usually proves they have something to offer each other. But it sounds very childish to continually talk about it and try to "prove" you are smart to the other.Ask yourself if the person you are dating or seeing has something to offer you that you want. That is all that matters.
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