A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:When we met online, we hit it off. we met in person and the connection and chemistry was undeniable. He stayed at my flat for 2 weeks.And he asked me to be exclusive but the problem is we live 4 hours apart. But he said we will make it work. When he return to his town, he confessed to me shortly that he slept with his ex. According to him she started reaching out to him a week when he was planning to see me and she knew about me as he told her. When he returned home she asked him to hang out and he accepted with intention of just chatting. one thing led to another they ended up having sex.he called me crying all remorseful and said he will cut her off for me so i gave him a second chance. only to find out that he started talking behind my back. so i told him forget it. you can have your ex, but he begged me and said he wants me. him and his ex begged me for them to still talk because they are just friends . i finally said yes you can talk. Then a week later he tells that they made plans to hang out..i wasn't having it and at this time i said if you hangout i won't see him again. That's when he agreed and said he didn't want to lose me. but he stayed in contact with his ex behind my back until she lied to him about something, now they don't talk anymore.Going forward, the distance didn't help our relationship. He started expressing his discontent by saying that I'm everything he wants in a girl but I'm too far away and sometimes he wants to ask me to hang out after work but he can't. When he broke it off he told me that he still wanted to see me because we had made plans to meet in person prior the distance took it's toll for himSo we still met and had great time. But before he left, somehow the conversation came up and he expressed his discontent with the distance and said we should see other people. so I said okay even though I was hurt.. I even started crying. Then he said to call him when I'm ready since he still cares about me. We got back in touch on a casual basis. Then we started talking on regular basis again and made plans to meet. We met then I noticed he was disinterested in sex. We used to do it twice a day whenever he visits me but then we only did it twice for the 4 days we stayed together which was initiated by me. When he got to his town, he told me that he had something to tell me. We made arrangement to talk on the phone to discuss what he wanted to say. When the time came, I called him only for him to start avoiding it as if he was nervous. Then I finally told him to text what he wanted to say. That's when he said, he doesn't feel the same way he used to. I was shocked and hurt. Then he called me 2 days later wanted to see if I was okay. We spoke and he said the last time we hung out he just wasn't feeling it anymore. I said okay. but he still wanted me in his life but told me he will give me space and to text him when I'm ready.2 weeks later, he was already texting me telling me he misses me. I ignored these texts as I wanted space but he kept texting telling me that he realized that he misses me etc. I was happy since I missed him too. We started talking again and made plans to meet. When we met we had good time but the sex frequency had decreased and he seemed distance. Once I returned home, he was barely responding to my text. so i said what's up? you don't seem into it anymore. Then he says, 'yes, " I lost feelings " I was hurt once again and sent follow up texts to which he ignored. and that was it. I deleted him on my face book so I can move on. Then 5 months later he returned stating he misses me .He added me back on face book and I accepted but told him that we are still 5 hours apart so the same issues that pushed him away are still present so it's best we move on. He responded and said, " I just wanted to see how you're doing" I didn't initiate contact after that until he messaged me again " asking me if I found someone else which is the reason why I'm not calling him? and he left his number and said he misses me.I finally texted him and we started talking again like old times and he said he wants to see me. We met and all was well. We had great time. When he return back home, he stopped answering my texts then said the distance is too hard for him. We didn't talk again for another 5 months but this time I didn't delete him on face book. He hardly posted. Then he suddenly liked my new profile picture I had posted after 4 months. Which lead us to start talking again. We made plans to meet again and this time I visited him. All was well but he seemed distance and disinterested. When we had sex he only lasted a min the first time and he apologized which is understandable since I I know it's normal no big deal. But then every time we did which was initiated by me, it he only lasted a min and I suspect he was doing it on purpose after more than 2 times. idk. we use condoms so I couldn't tell. when I returned home, ofcourse things fizzled once again. Rinse and repeat.Last time we got back in contact, we had been planning to meet for the last 6 months but the plans kept falling through due to schedule confliction. The days he is off, I'm working and vice versa. finally we made plans to meet and set a date and everything only for him to cancel because he had to bay sit his friends dog which was followed by him losing his job so he can't come to see me. Like I said, I offered to help financially but he didn't respond. He was planning to come to see me but he any money so I told him that I can send him money through Western Union for his ticket but he didn't respond to that then he stopped responding to my texts.I started getting worried so I kept sending him numerous texts messages asking how he is and if he is okay to no avail.I then started calling him and he didn't answer.When I get no response from someone I care about I freak out so called him 11 times in row until the phone started ringing once and going to voice mail which means he was pressing the reject button.To my horror,he sent me a text message that read ``Please don't contact me anymore``Please I need space``I then apologized for bothering him and told him that I just wanted to see how he is.He didn't respond after that .We didn't talk for 2 months until i messaged him and it turned out he met someone closer to him. so went no contact after that..only for him to start reaching out twice over the course of a year telling me he missed me. I gave in, but it wasn't long untill he started blowing hot and cold untill he stopped initiating contact then ended it again citing the distance and said " maybe in the future when we are at a place we can move". This time I wa s done with him so i blocked him every whereShortly after that, like 4 months later i met another man in my city and fell head over heals with him. but he is still legally married but separated and live on his own. i hardly thought about my ex while seeing this new man and it's been 3 years..until my ex made a fake face book profile to contact me..ofcourse i blocked the account didn't respond. but it has re opened old wounds..now i think about what my ex put me through. i know i allowed it and shouldn't have walked away sooner now looking back but i had no experiance in dating or to spot any red flags. please don't judge me. I thought things would get better but instead i gave him more opportunity to hurt me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2020): You wasted your time on your ex - despite many red flags popping up that anyone with half an eye would have noted and dumped him over. You just need common sense to work out what those red flags are and act upon them, not books.Now you say you are seeing a married man who cannot divorce his wife and whose wife will not divorce him. What is the point of that? You are his mistress then. At least the first one - despite being an idiot and a loser, was single. You are no better off now than you were before.Where is your common sense?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 September 2020):
 Thanks for the update, OP
It's always good to get more info.
One thing I didn't mention was "love bombing" and moving too fast.
I know that the younger generation spend a LOT of time on tech - phone apps/ facetime etc. and it FEELS like you REALLY get to know someone after talking for hours. And you do get to know something about that person, but it's almost curated. Same with Instagram and Facebook, people "fabricate" an online persona. It might be close to the real person, it might not.
For someone to talk marriage and kids so soon into meeting someone can come off a "lovebombing" where to feel euphoric over all the attention that you disregard the shitty stuff they ALSO do. Talking marriage, kids is something WOMEN (in general) like to hear. Because it means that HE sounds serious about his feelings.
So in the future BE a little wary if someone is seemingly making UNREALISTC plans very soon. You don't want to end up marrying someone you REALLY don't know all that well.
And while it might sound old fashioned, GETTING to know a person is probably best done IN person, because you can observe them, you'd be better able to discern how sincere and honest the other person is. THAT you can not get over an app. No matter how many hours you talk.
This guy you are seeing now who is STILL married (sure, he lives away from his wife and she is seeing someone else but BY THE LAW, he is still married. Which means... he has LITTLE to offer you. He is stalling with the divorce even though she is seeing someone new who has even gotten her pregnant?! For me that seems like a guy who finds it CONVINIENT to stay married, that way he can date... but not too seriously. He can easily pull the "we can't move forward because I'm still married" or "I will divorce her when the time is right"... Which means UNLESS she divorces HIM, he will stay married.
Being separated doesn't mean HE is single.
Again, relationships are about boundaries, trust, love, honesty.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your insights and advice. And yes, looking back if I would have ended it a lot sooner when he started lying about being in contact with his ex and started the push a pull..I would saved myself a lot of heartache and would have been at a better place now emotionally.That was the time to move on and not look back. But at the time It just didn't click inside my head. I thought things will get better and all relationships are not always rain bows and sunshine.When we met,we it off. There was undeniable connection. we talked everyday from morning until bed time before wet. He was consistence. Then he came down to my city and spent 2 weeks with me. Things were even better in person. We got along very well and felt like we've known each other for years. He asked us to be exclusive. And he told me he sees a future with me. get married and having kids. we were just comfortable with one another.Things were great the first 6 months. So when the issues started popping up ,I didn't see how badly he was treating me because my head was still stuck on how things were when we first started dating. And I thought by him keep coming back meant, we were meant to be because none of my exes prior him ever came back after we broke up. my feelings for him clouded my judgement . and I made the decisions based on on my heart not my head. He is also around the same age as me, so I now feel his lack of maturity also played a part in it tooEventually it got worse and worse and not better. he started bailing out on plans to meet and stopped putting effort to see me in person and blowing even more hot and cold. I finally reached a rock botton when I realized I will not get anything out of this other than heartache, Every time when we were apart, I was doing fine but we we reconnected, we kept having sparts and falling outs. He gave me nothing but headache, that's when I finally shut that door firmly and leave him in the past. I also got a vibe that he was seeing other people where he lives and was using me as safe rebound when things end with those girls. unfortunately it took me longer than I should have to realized that he will only hurt me and not bring anything positive in my life.So now I have been investing in self helps book to help me spot any red flags in future relationships so I won't make the same mistakes and set myself up for further heartache and dissapointments. Every time I ignored red flags in the pasts, it didn't end well As for the new man I've been seeing, well I was at bad place emotionally when I met him. I was dealing with personal issues like my mom's death and was seeing a grief counselor. It felt great having a connection with someone again and this was a great distraction to my personal problems. I wasn't actively looking for someone to date and it's last thing I wanted at the time. It just happened. We started talking at my old job and the sparks ignite.I wouldn't consider us serious, not unless he actually get divorced. When I met him, he was already living on his own for year. Otherwise I wouldn't have touched him. But he doesn't give me headeches and treats me well. so for the time being my needs has been metI'm just not sure if we will have future because for some uncertain reason he won’t divorce her and she won’t make steps to divorce him. They have no financial issues. no children. she is now pregnant and live with another man. I’ve asked him on occasions as to why and all he says is I will do it tomorrow but he never follows through. I don't think we will have future until he takes those neceessary steps. i'm probably a reboundAlso, I now realized this man was a great distraction and I never actually had time to process my relationship with my ex. The euphoria of having a connection with someone new and local put my ex, out of sight, out of mind. So I bealived he came in my life for purpose
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 September 2020):
 I believe the universe sends people into our lives to teach us lessons. If we don't learn those lessons, we will have to go through the pain time and time again until such time as we do learn. You didn't learn your lesson the first time with your ex, nor the second nor the umpteenth time, hence he kept coming back into your life, with the same outcome every time. He popped up again recently as a test to see if you had - finally - learned your lesson. Hopefully you have and won't be putting yourself through that pain again. Well done for not responding. There is hope for you now.
You would not read a book again and again, hoping for a different ending, would you? Why would you re-run a relationship with the same goal?
For what it's worth, I doubt that distance was the only "issue" in your relationship. You were "safety net girl" for your ex. Assuming he was quite young as well, he knew he could go out and explore other relationships and you would always take him back, regardless of how badly he treated or hurt you. All he had to do was cry a little or tell you he loved you. Never believe WORDS; believe ACTIONS. Words can be too easily faked.
What helped ME get over a vaguely similar relationship (nowhere near as protracted as yours) was to acknowledge and accept that I had CHOICE in the situation all along but that I had made BAD choices. You could have walked away the first time he hurt you. You CHOSE not to. Given your inexperience, this was probably understandable. However, after that he consistently picked you up and dropped you, hurting you each time. You would not stick your hand in a fire more than once, knowing it will hurt. Similarly you should be as careful of your mental and psychological well being and not allow things/people into your life who you already know will hurt you. You seem to have recognised the fact that you had a choice but chose badly; learn your lesson and choose better in the future. Treat your ex as a long and painful lesson but one which you have now learned for life.
Your Facebook settings can be tightened right down so that only people who are already friends with your existing friends can see/contact/send you friend requests. You might want to investigate and tighten them down more - for your own protection so that your ex isn't able to make contact.
As for this new guy, PLEASE be careful. You are risking putting yourself through a lot of hurt again. Why is he not divorced yet if he has been separated for at least 3 years? Is he hoping for a reconciliation with his wife? If he does go back to his wife, PLEASE let him go, remember your lesson from your ex and don't give him more chances to hurt you.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 September 2020):
 I think that Honeypie gave you great advice.
You are still very young, and all relationships during our teens and early 20's are a learning curve.
Its never easy when a relationship ends, or people have messed us around, but what we take with us after is hindsight and experience, and hopefully in subsequent relationships we won't make the same mistakes again.
This guy you were dating picked you up and put you down, was flaky, and frequently lied to you, so this is someone that you don't want in your life. From experience it showed that after each time he came back after several months had gone by, he had never changed, so in the end it was just like a merry-go-around with the same things happening time and time again.
After a relationship comes to an end, don't be so quick to jump straight back in to another relationship so soon. I think its important to give ourselves time to heal and get ourselves back together. I think when we enter a new relationship not in the right frame of mind, or still not fully over the last relationship we can sometimes find the same things occuring again.
This new guy you are dating, i would get to know him more, and find out more about his situation before you embark on anything serious. He is still legally married, so he could be going through a messy divorce, which means you could enter into another bumpy relationship. Just be careful, do your homework, and if something seems not right, be in a position where you can just walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2020): You are young. The price of knowledge is experience good and bad.Sometimes bad stuff happens that we have zero control over. What happened to you is not like that, for some reason you let this guy hurt you.But the good news is, when we are in control of things that hurt us, we can stop them.You are not stupid or weak if you make a bad choice. It's a learning curve.However, you need to understand that there are several stages of being attracted to someone and that we do not fall in love in a sec. You can like someone, find him attractive, be infatuated with him... but it's still NOT falling in love or love. People often mix everything up. What you describe sounds like obsession with an image you yourself have created.The first phases of attraction are just that, attraction. You don't really know the person you are attracted too. And it's wise to keep that in mind and remind yourself to keep some distance until you really get to know someone.The problem today is that communication is so easy with all the gadgets, BUT there is very little personal, REAL contact. I mean even when you are in a direct contact with someone and you have people who know him, he can lie and manipulate and put on the best face. But today with all the online dating, texting, social networks... manipulation is so easy! Nothing is real. People you meet are not real, there are no real consequences to people's actions. In the "olden days" the guy you talk about would probably be in some way connected to some people you know and there would be consequences to his actions. I hear from people who date online that they change partners like socks. And they too get used and set aside by others. Because, as I said, stakes are not high. You just swipe and move on.You need to be more discriminating, set some boundaries and remind yourself that just because you feel attracted to someone, this doesn't mean that whatever is there between you is real.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 September 2020):
The thing with dating and relationships is that many thing you won't know, or acknowledge until they happen to you.
You are still young so you are bound to make mistakes. THIS guy? BIG mistake.
You don't know all your own boundaries either, which again is not so strange given your inexperience. But the thing with inexperience is that some people WILL take advantage of you. Like this guy. He played you. Took you for a fool.
I can give you a few "pearls of learned wisdom" and you can take them or leave them as you please.
1. NEVER pay for a guy to come visit. Even if you call him your BF. Nope. If he (or you) can't afford to visit, then wait with the visit.
2. Don't waste your time on a guy who CHEATS on you. Even if he "cries" and says he is sorry. Sorry doesn't change the fact that he CHOSE to cheat. People don't stumble with their pants down and end up having sex... It's a CHOICE, HE made that choice. Because I think he KNEW he could manipulate you into forgiving him because you REALLY wanted to date him.
3. Don't date people who will ignore you. He knew very well that you got worried when he didn't reply. Instead of telling you from the get go, hey I think we should stop talking, he made sure to let it go pretty far and then he "slapped" you in the face with a "stop contacting me". Again, people who PLAYS games are people you should avoid.
4. TRY not to ACT desperate and clingy. No one likes that. So SAY what you mean and mean what you say. IF you are NOT OK with a guy being in contact with his ex and hanging out with her, SAY so. If he doesn't like that, well then HE isn't for you. DO BE so desperate to date that you LET a guy walk all over you. That you let a guy make a fool out of you.
5. When you make a mistake, even in picking a guy who turns out to be an idiot, OWN it. And then forgive yourself.
Right now you are beating yourself up for what you should have done and didn't do. That is pointless. Know what you did wrong and LEARN from it. Don't do it again. Some mistakes you will make in life might hurt. It might hurt your feelings, your pride, your confidence but they might also TEACH you a lesson is what NOT to do - next time.
Yes, you helped him hurt you over and over. You have acknowledged that and hopefully you will KNOW better next time with another guy. Hopefully, you have blocked him on EVERYTHING and then deleted his info. So HE can't contact you again. And IF he does, what you might want to do is tell him to go jump in the ocean and NEVER call you again because you want nothing to do with him. And then HANG up. Don't give him a chance to try and sweet talk you.
You ex contacting you has reminded you of the past, but don't get sucked into that head-game. HE is in your past, he is no longer part of your life. Don't GIVE him space in your head and heart. And don't waste time or emotions on being mad at him OR yourself. It's over, it's done with. It sucked but you know better now.
It's OK to make mistakes OP. We ALL do. Just TRY an avoid making the same one over and over.
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