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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am in a long term relationship with someone I love very much. We have been together for roughly nine years now, living together for about 4 1/2. I wouldn't say our relationship is 'normal' we both battled hard to get to this point in time, and up until rather recently it was smooth sailing in terms of no fighting, no arguments, etc. But it's been rather recently she's started to develop resentment for towards me. I guess as we have grown older together she's now panicking that we haven't married, don't have kids, or even own property. But, that's the kicker. When we first got together, I was basically homeless, she was still in post secondary. It took us both a while to dig ourselves into some sort of stable position to even develop into a solid relationship. And even when she was done school, and I was done establishing a career path, we were still in deep struggle, living pay check to paycheck, which haunted us both. When we finally moved out, we set some goals, to buy a house, get married and have kids. But she struggled to maintain a solid job, we both worked two jobs just to make ends meet. It has only been within' the last two years we have enjoyed the fruits of our labor, and we set out on a path to purchase a house. Well, turned out it wasn't as easy as we thought, and it became a pipe dream. It demoralized her, a lot, and on top of this she started working at a place with young, extremely successful, career driven people, who have homes, are married, moving forward in their life, while we have set back after set back. This built up a sort of hate towards me. I have become the punching bag slowly noticing everything I do that doesn't notch up to her colleagues standards has turned into lashing out and giving me cold shoulders. I made a comment a few months back stating that marriage is a formality, and it won't really change how I felt about her or our relationship. She took this really hard, as if I didn't want to pursue the life milestone. In my attempts to make her happy, I've made a lot of sacrifices, and switched my focus from bouncing between life goals in my mind, one months it's kids, the next, marriage, all the while trying to pinch every penny to save for a down payment. It's put me into a perpetual cycle of self doubt. I understand where she's coming from, and it's frustrating to see her this way. But it all came crashing down when we went away for a few days and I didn't propose to her, she was adamant and sure i was going to do it. And it did cross my mind, but I had other plans. thing is, I have a ring, but I was planning another idea. And I can't just come out and tell her my plans or that I had a ring the whole time. it would create so much more crushing emotional pain. I should also mention, I suffer from very bad social anxiety, and I tend to drift off into my own little world, it's a problem I have been trying to deal with for years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2020): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"You're not a punching bag."
"What legal-rights does an unmarried-woman have, if you decide to split-up and you're both in-debt with a mortgage loan?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2020): The realities of life for women is different for the life-realities of men. They can't postpone marriage indefinitely, if they wish to bear children in marriage. They also worry about aging; because there is a concept and general notion among women that men prefer younger-females when it comes to starting a family. They're not stupid, there is a method to their madness!
"I made a comment a few months back stating that marriage is a formality, and it won't really change how I felt about her or our relationship. She took this really hard, as if I didn't want to pursue the life milestone."
You've taken a nine-year chunk out of your partner's life, dear sir. Knowing that marriage and children was a goal she always had in her heart. She stuck it out for you, holding-out in the name of love. Then you would tell her that marriage is only a formality. No sir, it isn't that simple. It is the ultimate pursuit and highest point in your commitment. It is a testimonial of your faithfulness, devotion, and loyalty to the woman you hold singularly as the most important person in your life. The one you want to spend the rest of your life with, to the degree you would exchange vows before God and witnesses. You trivialized it to a mere formality; which told her you are in no hurry, and implied you just couldn't bring yourself to that level of commitment.
Yes, you're getting older; but that's the greatest factor that's working against you. Time! You say you have a ring. That ring means nothing until it's on her finger. You're not waiting for the right time; which I'd say is long over-due, you still can't bring yourself to that point. You are stalling! She had her hopes up, and they were dashed on the rocks!
You're not a punching bad. You're the source of her disappointment and frustration. The sad part is that you have no understanding or empathy for where she's coming from. For her to see everyone around her living her dream. The house will eventually become a reality somewhere down the road. What legal-rights does an unmarried woman have if you decide to split-up and you're both in-debt with a mortgage loan?
Let me get this straight. You'd go into debt for a 30-year mortgage before you'd marry the woman you've kept as a perpetual-girlfriend for the past nine years? That's a formality you're willing to undertake, but marriage up to now is still on-hold.
Her frustration, my dear sir, is that she IS getting older; and things are still right where they are, and showing no signs of changing anytime soon. She may be projecting the frustrations she has with herself onto you; but now she's beginning to give-up hope. Even the appearance of the ring may not have the impact it could have had, maybe had it appeared five years or so ago.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2020): What do you want?Do you want kids?Do you know if you want to get married?If the answer is yes... why wait for the marriage?When my husband and I got married, he turned 30 and I was 28. We had nothing and planned to move to another country to start building a life.Marrying someone is not about how much money one has. Having kids is a different question.On needs security before bringing another human this world.Now, let's talk about how proactive you are. Social anxiety is debilitating and can negatively impact any domain of one's life. It can block you professionally. It can damage your persona relationships with friends, family...What have you done about it?Therapy costs money and if you have none to waste, I doubt that you would invest it into years and years of going to a shrink. But it works - especially the cogitative-behavioral for the problem you have. And I speak from experience my husband's and mine.I'm SA in certain situations, but his ego was so bruised that he couldn't even function in everyday situations, always feeling judged, stressed...There are self-help books, forums, documentaries, YT courses...What I'm trying to underline is how important this problem you have is. It can prevent you not only doing what needs to be done, but seeing things how they really are. When I discovered that my husband was suffering from SA, I felt betrayed (my ego trip). Why? Because he KNEW that something was wrong, hid it from me and kept popping pills and drinking when he had to be in contact with other people (basically 5 days a week on workdays!).But, we worked on this together. Therapy, controlled used of medication, slow and controlled exposure to stressors, meditation, exercise... and today he's a changed man.There's nothing I can write that will change you - it takes time, energy and work.But it is possible.Maybe your gf even after almost a decade doesn't know who you really are and what you are dealing with. She may think that you are just weak, lazy, lacking ambition... if she knew that you suffered from SA and that you have a plan on how to deal with it,maybe she would see things differently.And if she knows what your problems are, maybe she hates herself for starting to resent you at some point. It's not easy being with someone who is anxious, depressed... and that's the truth. I don't care if it's not politically correct to say this, but it's true. People who do not deal with their issues, like SA, will always be more needy than those who don't. My social anxiety was linked to school, so the moment I got my degree and got out of it, I was fine (I still had to learn to recognize it, accept it, learn the tools to deal with it, in therapy later). My husband's problems were dictating our lives to a large extent. It was exhausting. I hated it. I say "it", not "him". Do not propose to your gf because she wants you to. It's cheating. You would do this just to keep her from leaving you, which would basically only postpone the problem you two have. She has the right to want certain things in life. I wanted honesty and open-mindedness. I didn't care about the house, the kids, the "success". Maybe you two are just not compatible... but you better find out BEFORE you get kids. They tend to complicate matters...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2020): Please understand that you are not a punching bag.You use emotive words like : lashing out.I see where you're going.You're trying to say that you are being abused by this woman in this relationship.However, your over emotive language makes me think you are an exaggerative type.If you are not happy you can leave her.You are not bound into a relationship or forced to endure the cold shoulders.Perhaps you are not being as open or honest as you make out.Your girlfriend should have known you had a ring.You should have talked about it together.So, please, if you think you are being badly treated then please move on and give your girlfriend the chance to find someone who is truly into her.
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