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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hey all, I just found out my boyfriend, soulmate, best friend for a DECADE has been having what he calls an 'emotional affair' for the past year with another woman.I am one of those girls who has always maintained my high moral standards and I've told my ex that I'm disgusted, that for even just one minute, he has made me feel unworthy of him and has forced me to feel inferior to this gutter trash.I know this girl and she has had a string of sexual partners, including drug addicts. She has no self respect, as according to my ex, when he told her he did not want a relationship with her, she begged him to start something.. and when I asked him if she ever mentioned me, he said she never did once. After helping destroy a decade of everything I built with this man, she never considered me once. I'm livid.Anyways, my ex says it was a friendship, that grew closer and the emotions were there between them.. but he didn't want it to turn into a relationship.. and tried to end it.. but it got messy because she wouldn't take no for an answer.. and he spent weeks driving around in her car with her.. trying to calm her down.My ex isn't exactly a casanova. In the last year, I could count the number of times on one hand that we'd been intimate, but because of the amazing memories we've shared and the incredible bond we had (prior to this last year), I was deeply in love with him.. and no matter how full my life was with other things.. he was my first priority always. I met with him to discuss what had happened.. I wanted to hear him admit to the affair (after I'd found out from someone else). He says they never slept together and just kissed once, but he says they felt strongly for each other. I've told him I can't take him back into my life, even as a friend (which is what we were first) because it's just too painful and I have to move on and look after myself. He has spent hours, crying and pleading with me to give our relationship a chance.. and told me that there'll never be anyone like me.. that I'm the most special person in his life.. that he loves me more than anything. He claims it was his depression (which he's suffered from for years) that affected his decision making.. plus, he lost his job over the year and was feeling rock bottom.I know the answer seems like a simple one... but what I want to know is.. does his reaction sound genuine? Here's a guy that's shown very little emotion (due to being depressed).. he almost became robotic.. I used to tease him about it. Now, in the past 4 days that we've been discussing the breakup and his situation.. he has cried for a total of 18 hours.. and all he can do is hug me and tell me how much he loves me and how I was his life. I need people who are on the outside to tell me what I know I need to be telling myself.. Please can you give me some perspective on the situation.. whether you've been in something similar.. whether I should believe anything he says when he's lied to me for a year! I'm so scared, vulnerable, confused.. the love is still there... SOO strong.. I just want to run from it.. because I feel it would be so wrong to take someone so deceitful back into my life.I feel like I'm grieving for the love of my life that has died.. but he's still here.. but it's not really him.Please help. Any advice is appreciated :(
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affair, best friend, depressed, lost his job, move on, my ex, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (12 March 2010):
 He has lost your respect, which is actually worse than losing your trust. His reaction may be genuine, but you need to ask yourself if you could ever look at him the same way again. If not, you have to move on, even if it hurts you.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 March 2010):
After reading your whole post, I don't think this can work. The love might be there, but you clearly have no more respect for him, and clearly can't trust him. You don't know that he hasn't done this before if he's blaming it on depression (which sounds like an excuse), you don't really know that nothing physical happened with him, and his reactions throughout the relationship suggest that he is a man who needs to focus on his own life before he can do anything else. My advice is to move on.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (11 March 2010):
 He could have said no to her, was she was blackmailing him?
In my humble opinion once a guy cheats on someone he loves he will cheat on anyone (same for women who cheat too).
It sucks to find something like this out and especially after being together for so long.
He may have cheated on you in the past too, but you dont know about it.
Avoid contact with him if possible, take a vacation just for yourself, give yourself some "me" time to get your thoughts together.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 March 2010):
 Emotional affairs can be like that. They are as real as physical affairs and can be more damaging. You want to know if his feelings are genuine. Yes he can be in love with you, even committed to you and still slip into an emotional affair. The evidence is that he kept the affair non physical. It shouldn't be surprising to you to learn that a person can love more than one person at once. He loves you more.
Now that I have answered your question, I have a little more to say. Your 10 year relationship didn't die when you found out he was riding around in her car. It died over a year ago. It started to fade when you responded to his depression by resenting silently the times he wasn't physical with you. Instead of reaching out and helping him heal you became more distant and resentful. Her company became preferable because she didn't nag him, or make him fell inadequate. Even though he could, and still does see her faults, he liked being understood. What I am saying is that in a healthy relationship he would never have had time to fall into her trap.
You also want us to tell you what to do. Don't take him back it won't work. Not because he lied to you, people forgive others for this. Because, you have no respect for him as a person. You don't have strong Love for him, you just have strong possession, which is yet more evidence of the disdain and contempt you feel for him. It would be impossible for you to truly love him with those emotions in your heart. You could use him but that will just hurt him more, and leave you a hollow person.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): By the way.. when I say I used to "tease him" about being robotic.. I didn't know that was because he was depressed. It wasn't until I looked back that I realised.. and he's spent lots of time talking to me about what emotional state he's been in. I used to joke with him and try to make him look at the lighter side of life.. and learn to laugh at things. I brought happiness to his life, which would've otherwise been miserable, because it was all just work work work.. and structure. I ignored my needs though.. the need for affection and romance, but never would've strayed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): Hi, Firstly I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know it must really hurt :( However, he does still love you and you say he has had issues with depression. I know EXACTLY what you mean because my ex suffered with depression and I love him, he is still alive & well but I feel it isn't really him and it is SO frustrating because you almost feel that your 'competition' is the mental illness and what/how it makes him behave and not another woman/person.
I would suggested you take some space from him and tell him you need time to clear your own head. He had a friendship with someone and it may be that she realised how weak he was because of the depression and it sounds like she could have some issues herself and they sort of latched onto each other as friends on that basis .. and she wanted more and he got tempted.
I am not excusing him or her at all but just trying to look at it from an honest wider picture perspective. Ten years is a long time to be together and I think if he is truly sorry he will get help for his depression and really really prove himself to you with actions. Anyone can say sorry and cry and say I love you and whilst that is nice to hear (as opposed to him saying he loves her etc) he needs to prove it if you are to have any chance together.
I think the question is whether or not to believe him? You know him best. I agree that it is upsetting that the other woman doesn't even seem to have considered your history together but be wary when the man blames the other woman because weak men tend to do that .. and if you spoke to her you might hear a different version of events. It sounds as though you need some time and space for yourself. One thing that struck me was you saying that you and he hadn't been intimate a lot in the last year?? Is this because he was depressed or is there some other reason? I think you should step back, take some space, make sure you have the whole story/whole truth and I'm sure you will get some good answers on here. If you really believe that he made a stupid mistake due to being depressed then in order to move forward relationship counselling could be a good option but he needs to sort himself out as well. My ex partner was toxic with his problems and he walked out on me even though I know he still cares. I haven't spoken to him for about 5 weeks and although I am sad I feel better in many ways. He says is he dating someone else .. after years and years together with me when we were practically like husband and wife! So I DO get a feeling of what you must be going through but be strong! Also, I am 42 but you are young and you will meet loads of guys in your life who are not depressed and confused about themselves and who will want you and treat you well .. I guess you are used to him and you have spent so much time and energy on him that you didn't even have eyes for any other guy .. I did read recently that we should not date depressed guys, for various reasons but if however someone we are already with starts to get depression, that is different .. It sounds as though this woman could have latched onto him and he found himself in a situation that he couldn't handle. Good luck :) x
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