A
female
age
41-50,
*mester
writes:My boyfriend of 8 months recently told me he is depressed and that he wanted to get away from his friends, me, the city we live in (not together) and away from doing the same old things. He is a mature student and is due to start back at uni beginning of Oct. I had booked last week off work to have a holiday at home with him as he is not working and the first day off, he bought me a ring because I liked it, not an engagement ring or anything but just because I liked it. He also wanted me to order a ring he liked for him too.Everything changed mid week when I went round to his house. He had been out drinking heavily the night before and he was sleepy, had the curtains shut even though the sun was shining outside and didn't want to do anything or go out.He wasn't being very affectionate as he usually would be and after probing for a while, he said he was depressed and hadn’t felt ok for some time. He was sick of having no job, no money apart from what his parents had been giving him and wanted to go back to stay with them for a month before his uni course commenced again.He said he wanted us to go on a break for this time too. He was being strange with me so I asked him if he wanted me to go and he said 'I think it will be better, I might be ok tomorrow'.Well he wasn't.....he didn't reply to texts for hours, didn't call when he said he would and was late on the couple of occasions he came round to see me/meet me somewhere for all of 10 minutes before rushing off again. He was talking about general 'chit chat' things but started squirming if I tried to get more info from him.Well he went back home yesterday for a month after two nights heavy drinking sessions. Before he went, I saw he was online on a chat site, I said hi and asked if I could see him before he went. He said he was too busy and I said why couldn't he spare 30 minutes to go for a drink with me. He didn't answer, he just logged off.I sent a text about an hour later asking him to call me in a couple days when he had had a think about things and contrary to what I'm desperate to do, I haven't contacted him since.I don't know if or when he will contact me but this situation is killing me!Is this just about him being depressed or is it really that he wants to end things for good and is trying (badly) to let me down gently?
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female
reader, Amester +, writes (17 September 2007):
Amester is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother updateI got the answers I wanted.He started feeling about a month ago that he didn't really enjoy going out with me anymore and had started feeling less attracted to me (I haven't changed in any way) and instead of telling me he tried to forget about it cos he could see there was no real reason to not want me but couldn't shake this feeling. Feeling like this about me made him feel bad and added to his depression as I suppose he knew what he was gonna have to do eventually but kept putting it off. To me it just shows how selfish he is, worried about how he would feel telling me something I wouldn't like, not worrying about how I would feel, just how bad he would feel.Well since we split up, he has made it really awkward for me to get my stuff back. I wanted to pick it up but he insists on dropping it off. He said he will be here tomorrow at 6:30pm. Going on his track record of always being late to see me, forgetting we had arranged to do something with me or sending me a text four hours after he was supposed to be at mine and saying, 'tomorrow love' (I'm kinda thinkin I've been a bit of a doormat here) I will be very surprised if my door bell rings before 8pm!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): From what you described as your last conversation with him, it sounds like he was pretty darn certain he wanted to end things. I didn't read anything positive or hesitating in any of that, but I wasn't the one on the phone with him either and alot can be heard in tone of voice. Whatever is going on with him, he's certain he doesn't want to be in a relationship and I think if you try to desperately hang on to contact with him, in the form of a "friendship", he's going to see you as needy and clingy and it will drive him to start being unkind, in an effort to make you back off. Women always do this when they don't want the relationship to end. They drive the guy nuts, constantly calling them "just to chat" but they're really wondering what he's doing, who he's seeing, or if he's changed his mind. It starts out harmless enough, but then it begins to feel more like they're constantly checking up on him or worse yet, stalking the guy. Be the grown up here and show him you are a strong, independent woman who can truly move on. You've wasted enough time on this chap. Get your things back from him and don't bug him anymore. Don't call him every couple of days "to see how he's doing" guys hate that. Don't drop by to "say hello", don't send him a cute little text message inviting him to lunch "as a friend" he's certain to see you as pathetic and run the other way. If he wants his space, then give it to him, no strings attached. No calls, no visits, no text messages. It will be HARD to do, but once he sorts out his head, he'll respect you for not being so clingy and needy and he may just come back to you on his own. If he doesn't then your sure to have a circle of friends and hobbies by then, and won't mind it if he doesn't. He may be confused, or he may have simply fallen out of love and is trying to let you down without being a jerk. If you push him, he will become a jerk and you will be further hurt and upset because you hung onto the hope that he would come back to you. Be strong.
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A
female
reader, Amester +, writes (15 September 2007):
Amester is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
Just a quick update.
I couldn't take him ignoring me any more so I called him and the third time he answered. he didn't really want to go through things, which I knew he wouldn't but it was just not fair putting me through hell, wondering if he was ok, wondering why he wouldn't reply or just say the occasional hi as we said we would when we agreed the terms of the break.
I think if I hadn't pushed him, he would have just never got in contact and I would always be wondering what happened. Well we split up. He said he just couldn't see us getting back together....I said we are on a break, it wouldn't be getting back together, we are still together. It would be if we wanted to continue or break up.
I explained to him that I need to know how he feels. If he definately knows now that he doesn't want to be with me, he should tell me now as its the kindest thing to do because I can start to move on with my life. But, if on the other hand he is still completely confused about what he wants and still needs more time, even if he needs to have absolutely no contact, I would wait.
he said he can't see it working because he just doesn't think he wants a girlfriend right now. I asked him if I had done anything wrong, he said no definately not. I said well if you can't see it working, I guess that is that. He said yes I think so. So to be sure I asked him twice (to make doubly sure) So I am free to meet someone else? the first time I asked him, he paused then a little voice said an unsure yes. So I asked him again and he paused again and said yes....definately yes. I started crying quietly and he said sorry. He said he probably won't stay with his parents for much longer, and would come back earlier than he planned, so I asked him to let me know when he was coming back as I didn't want to just discover his car outside his house when I didn't know he was back. He said ok I'll let you know. Then we will arrange to meet up so I can get a couple of my things back.
Reading between the lines, and going on the way he said things, he is still confused about what he wants and kept me hanging on because he is scared that if this 'episode' is temporary and he breaks up with me during it, he might regret it afterwards and want to be with me but due to his stubborn nature and sense of pride, he won't get in contact. But I couldn't hang on anymore, it was making me physically and mentally ill and he hadn't even considered this as when I told him this he just answered a genuine 'why?' CLUELESS! I think ultimately he wanted to have his cake and eat it at my expense.
I think I want to stay friends with him, although I'm sure it will be tough.
Thanks again for the advice, it really did help
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): You Go Girl! Good For You!
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A
female
reader, Amester +, writes (11 September 2007):
Amester is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone :)
I think I might have managed to control the urge to keep sending him text messages and phoning him at last, because I suddenly thought today, every time I try and contact him, he doesn't reply or doesn't answer his phone so I'm not getting the information I want anyway. All that’s happening is I'm getting frustrated and he is probably sick of his phone ringing knowing it is me and that if he answers I'm probably gonna cry and ask awkward questions he doesn't want to deal with right now.
I'm going to leave him be and try and build my confidence back up without him. I think the reason this has hit me so hard is I had become too dependent on him for my happiness so when he ups and disappears back to his parents out of the blue, I felt like the rug had been pulled from beneath me.
I need to remember that I used to be a strong independent 25 yr old woman who doesn't allow herself to be messed around… but I will be again! and if he comes back having sorted his head out and wants to be with me, great but if not, I should be able to cope on my own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007): I think I would take your boyfriend at his word, that he is feeling depressed, it sure sounds to me like he has all of the symptoms. I would urge him to go and get a physical and talk to his doctor about how he is feeling, and perhaps he needs some medication. I would be concerned about his use of alchohol, this is most likely his attempt to self medicate....and is in actuality making him worse as alcohol is a depressant.
Also, men often need to seperate from their loved one, he is tired of needing you, and wants to gain some independence, especially as it sounds like his issues surround his lack of independence and the fact that he is not currently self supporting, this would be hard for a mature man to take....give him some room, don't pressure him for information or bully him into seeing you, let him go for now, and he will be back when he feels the need to be close.....That said, don't put your life on hold for him, get out with friends, and if he is not seeing you or giving you indication that he is in relationship with you, date some other men. It is not your job to fix him, he needs to do that for himself. I know this is painful for you as you love him, but you cannot make him respond to you the way you want to, but you can try the suggestions above and change your behavior, so he has to respond to you in a different way...don't cling, it will only push him farther away from you.
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A
male
reader, jm81690  +, writes (11 September 2007):
 Sounds to me like he may be trying to cut off contact for a while maybe he meant it when he said a break, ormaybe he's just done altogether, I don't think it was just depression, usually if someones depressed they want to spend time with loved ones and whatnot.
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female
reader, penta  +, writes (11 September 2007):
 I don't think this is letting you down gently. I think this is torture. He's letting you hang without any clear answers. The excessive drinking bothers me, too. I know you love this guy, so this might be hard to take, but I would consider the relationship over. Write him off sadly as the guy who didn't work out, and move on with your life. You'll be happier.
In the long run, if he works everything out and comes back, bonus. But you haven't put your life on hold waiting for something that might never happen. Good luck.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (11 September 2007):
 He may be depressed and unable to deal with everything that's bothering him. You included. His drinking is only adding to the problem, because alcohol is a depressant. At this point there's not much you can do, but you might suggest that he consider getting some help (counseling or medication) for his depression. Perhaps after his head clears, he'll feel more like being in a relationship.Until then, you have no choice but to let go.
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female
reader, Amester +, writes (11 September 2007):
Amester is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't help feeling I need to not contact him for a few days....in the vain hope HE might say hi at least or just to give him chance to miss me. Chances are, the answer is negative to both those....:(
If you take the depression out of the situation, his actions would be quite telling, but I know depression makes you do things you wouldn't normally do, it can make you completely selfish while you try and 'sort your life out'. What worries me most is the fact that rather than seeing me as a caring shoulder to cry on, he wants to have a break from me. It's upsetting that he won't let me help or comfort him.
If I try to put pressure on him by contacting him all the time, I'm pretty sure he will just say 'forget it' cos he has bigger fish to fry in his head. He obviously feels like his whole life is wrong somehow at the moment and that 'unfortunately for me' takes priority in attention over me and how this whole thing affects me, who up until a week ago was quite happy about everything.
I asked him to call me in a couple of days (Sunday) so I think I might call him Wednesday ish, that will be about 3 days then.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (10 September 2007):
 Hi
It certainly does seem like it and i would assume that, if i was in your shoes.
You deserve to know though for sure so i would be asking. You know you dont want to hear it, but you need to for closure if that is whats going on.
All the best.
C xxxx
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