A
female
age
41-50,
*upid's Girl
writes:T. and i were together as a couple for 7 months. Before that we both were alone for 3-4 years (we had sex with other people but not real relationships). We are both very attractive and social people, we picked each other right away, had a "one month flirting thing with NO sex" and after that we were together. Me: I am a very confident and pretty woman with lots of skills and successful in my work. I come from a very well know family (both artists)but he didn't knew this during the "flirting month" so i am sure that he didn't chose me to upgrade his status. Him: He is handsome and funny, most people like him, but he is also broke (a very bad businessman i'm afraid) and this fact hurts his confidence and male ego a lot, it makes his feel like a failure. Us: I have always been very supportive, tried to make him feel good about himself. He has said a million times -without even me asking him- that i am the best girlfriend he ever had ("you are beautiful, caring, a sex bomb and you leave me space to breath and feel free"). The "drama": One night, he went to bed early, which is something very uncommon for him. I had a feeling that something wasn't right that night. The very next day we went out for lunch. Psychologically, he wasn't feeling good at all the last couple of weeks. He said verbatim "i don't know what i want to do with my life or what i want to do in general".He was thinking to go back to the city he was born and try to get a job there.I told him to do whatever makes him feel good and take care of himself and his future. I will support him no matter what will happen with the 2 of us. After that everything went back to the normal routine: 2-3 rounds of super sexual intercourse, talking, spending time together etc He went to sleep. I had a very bad feeling so i took his mobile phone and read his text messages. I found out that last night he had sex with someone else. I was petrified. So, the next morning i told him calmly, that if he doesn't know what he wants in general, that means that he doesn't know if he wants me as his girlfriend. Is there something hidden behind this? Because if it's not, a man that doesn't know if he wants me as his girlfriend is not good enough for me. He kissed me, tried to hold me, told me that i am sooo perfect and he really doesn't want to lose me OR know what to do or say right now. He left my house. I went on vacations the next day and he went to visit his family. He continued to call me like if i was still his girl. I was distanced. And then i stopped to call him. He did the same after a few days.I saw him after a couple of weeks. I was very mad with an angry look on my face. "I know that you had sex with someone else". He tried to fool me and denied it all. I became mad and made him feel terrible. He said "let' go out for a coffee to have a talk. I'll call you.He called me to say that he is busy for the next 2 days but we can meet on Thursday or Friday if i want". I said "we'll see". He said "I'll call you again". He didn't. After a month and a half we saw each other at a party. I wasn't even talking to him and he literally begged for a coffee. He said " i really wanted to call you but i didn't know what to say, i am a jerk and an idiot, i made a fool of my self and i am so embarrassed". He literally begged me for a coffee.I agreed to go out with him.During this coffe, he said that "it was a mistake, i wasn't even thinking. You are a good person, you give second chances""Yes, but i also don't forget" i said. He didn't explained what are the second chances he was talking about. Does he want to be my friend? Or my boyfriend? And what did he do to deserve a second chance?Since then (it's been 2 months now)he always initiates contact with me, mostly through msn, at least 3-4 times/week. We have smalltalks, exchanging some sexual jokes that look like a kind of challenge. Sometimes he tries to meet me outside but we never make it (i fall asleep or he is working or i run out of battery...). When he meets randomly our common friend, he always asks her if i am ok and never forget to mention that "he is an idiot and he did a huge stupid mistake with M.".I Never initiate these contacts so i wonder if i am keeping him away from me. So, i was wondering if he is afraid to approach me and if i should do something to encourage him. I think he wants me back but he is afraid to do something drastic. He is not the bravest of men to be honest and it is difficult to him to express himself and his feelings. He is the kind of the jokes and fun but he also is clump shell... Thank you in advance for your valuable time and please excuse any spelling and grammar mistakes. My native language is not English, i just learned it at school. :) Kind RegardsM.
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female
reader, Cupid's Girl +, writes (16 December 2009):
Cupid's Girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear TrueAtHeart thank you so much for taking the time and putting this effort to advise me.
I believe that your advise is right and it would be better for me in the long term NOT to contact him.
But through my experience i have found out that every time i fall into this kind of mistake(reconnection of a broken relationship), i forget once and for all the person who did wrong to me AFTER i give him a second chance. I believe in second chances even though my brain says that a man in his 30s can not change dramatically his attitude and way of life.
So, i put myself into the situation again. If he disappoints me again,my brain and heart cooperate almost instantly. I forget him and i don't suffer anymore. It's like a magical "click"; No more thinking of him, no more false hopes, no more unrealistic dreams.
Until the next "faulty" lover ;)
I understand that i am trapped into my own pattern but since i can not find another way out for the moment, i am looking for a way to encourage him to approach me and do something drastic.
Again, thank you for so much for your advise. If you come up with any other tip, i'll be more than glad to read it.
Take care
M.
A
female
reader, trueatheart  +, writes (16 December 2009):
 Hi, I am in this kind of situation myself with a guy, although since I texted him how sick he makes me feel, he hasn't been in contact since. He said all those kinds of things to me, same as your guy said to you. He is being exactly the same way. I have come to think that he just really needs to grow up and stop treating women in this way. Like you, I feel so angry, frustrated, confused, and I miss him so much sometimes. But you have to concentrate on how bad he is making you feel, by messing with your feelings. I think maybe he is expecting you to make the first move, but why should you? Chances are, this man will not change his ways for the long term. You both maybe could be happy for a while but how long before you feel angry about what he did to you again? You said yourself you could not forget easily.My advice is this: do not go back there, however much you miss the sex, good times etc. Don't let him have it easy. You deserve better. It's hard but you will be better off for the long term. Think about yourself, not him. If everything was truly perfect between you, he would never have betrayed you in the first place. Don't be messed around by him again. Take care of yourself!
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