A
female
age
41-50,
*upid lover
writes:Hi all,I need a little help trying to decipher my boyfriend's behaviour over the weekend. We have been together for 6 months and are in a long distance relationship. He is sweet and has had a tough year with his dad dying and moving house as well as going through a nasty divorce before we started dating.When we started dating he would come and visit me every 3-4 weeks. Since his dad died (4 months ago) he has only been here twice as he had a lot to deal with and simply didn't feel like travelling. I understood that so I went to him 3 times. My birthday was last weekend so I asked him to come visit me which he did. He left wwork early and flew here (1.5 hours flight) arriving the night before my birthday. We hadn't seen each other for about 3.5 weeks at this point. We went out to dinner the night before my birthday and everything was great. As we were leaving the restaurant he pointed out that a girl in the restaurant had fake tits. I said "oh yeah.....and?" As in who cares? And then just forgot about it.He booked a hotel room at a hotel that we have both stayed at before that we both really like. Sometimes he does this when he comes to visit. So the next morning on my birthday we go to the beach to lay in the sun. Everything is nice and great and then he comments on a mutual friend of ours who is 10 years older than I am and comments on how big her tits were when she was younger. I think OK another boob comment........moving on. Oh, by the way, at this point there is no birthday gift. I am guessing that he is keeping it for later at dinner.We then moved on and went to a food festival and had a great time. Afterwards we went looking in the shops and he bought HIMSELF a bottle of cologne. At this point I figure that there must be a present for me back at the hotel but then as we walked back to the car he said that he felt really bad that I hadn't seen anything that I wanted in the shops BUT he didn't say earlier when we were looking at the shops that he wanted to buy me something for my birthday.After checking into the hotel we laid by the pool and he pointed out that the girl in front of us had fake tits. He mentioned that his ex-wife had fake tits which I already knew becuse he told me that about 4 months ago. At the time he mentioned how he didn't like them and that I should never even think about having implants because he likes mine the way they are. A couple of hours later we are still laying by the pool and he gets a phone call from his brother. Their late dad's house went up for auction that morning and his brother was calling to say how much it had sold for. They got $200,000 less than they were hoping for and I could see that he was dissapointed. About ten minutes later I motioned for him to come and sit next to me and he snapped. Not loud verbally or anything but gave me a frustrated look and said no and then walked off. He came over about 20 minutes later and laid next to me but I was seriously annoyed at this point after the boob comments and him taking out his frustration on me. I made him apologise and then we got over it moved on and had a really nice afternoon even though deep down I felt a little upset but didn't show it. He said he was going to the bathroom and he took quite a while when he got back he said he was looking for a gift for me for my birthday in the hotel gift shop but couldn't find anything. Maybe he realised at this point that he should have got me something? By the way, from this paragraph you may be thinking that he is having some kind of money problem but he definately is not.Later on that evening we went to dinner and I got to talking about a friend of mine who felt pressured to enter into the swinger lifestyle because of her then boyfriend. I expressed that I would never be into that kind of thing (threesomes with 2 guys etc.) and he said "but you would do it with a girl though, right?". I said no. And then confronted him and said "are you testing the waters here? Because that is never going to happen!" He said no and looked a bit embarrassed that I had confronted him. After dinner I made it clear that I was upset that I didn't get a present not just from him but from anyone. My family and most of my friends live in his city where I am from as well so I didn't expect any from them on that actual day so it was obvious that I meant him. He puts his arm around me to console me and that was that. We went home and he fell asleep in front of the TV. We went to sleep without having sex and I was feeling empty and alone.The next morning we went to the pool for a few hours before check out and the girl with the fake boobs from the day before was there. He was staring at her for so long that it actually was embarrassing and I am surprised that she didn't notice. Maybe she did, I'm not dure. Later on that day I noticced him perving on another girl's boobs as well. Even though I have mentioned the bad parts of the weekend there were also some good parts and I generally did have a nice weekend. He was really affectionate and told me that I was beautiful BUT no L word. He said that he loved me 2 months into the relationship and I have never said it back so i thought that my birthday weekend would be the perfect opportunity. At the time it felt too soon and since then there has been a lot of turmoil for him and he has been emotionally unavailable so it hasn't been said again.I just have a funny feeling about this. Do you think that it is possible that because I have been supportive since his father died and he mas moved house and me basically accepting that I am not a priority in his life for the moment that he is now taking me for granted? In the beginning he treated me like I was the best thing he had ever seen and he has always made an effort with me. This is the first time that I have seen him act ike this. There has been no talk of the future with us because I have not wanted to pressure him because of the stress that he has already endured this year and the relationship seems to be at a standstill. My heart feels very heavy and I am unhappy that he doesn't seem to value me like he did before. He is 41 and has 2 kids under 10. I am 31 with no children. Any advice would be appreciated. Do I need to take some action?
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boobs, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, long distance, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 October 2012):
 I would leave it alone
AND when he contacts you (or attempts it) I'd be too busy.
IF you can't bring yourself to block his number, his email and his facebook, then you set yourself up for knowing when he comes a knocking looking for sex... cause that's what it will be...
I'd accept that he's gone. I'd use his lack of contact as closure and listen to his ACTIONS.. they scream I'M DONE.
and you should be too.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 October 2012):
 Hi
You know what you need to do to keep your self respect intact.
His could not care less attitude does him no favours.
And do not listen to any excuses if he later on decides he wants to resume things.
If he can treat you with cavalier distain once he can do it again.
He is definitely not treating you as a major priority in his life. Now he's acting with total apathy towards you.
He is putting himself FIRST - what he wants, when he wants it or does not want it.
Time that you did the same. Make your life so busy and fulfilled that you hardly have a moment to even think of him. There are much nicer men out there than him
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (26 October 2012):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK everyone,
He still hasn't been in contact with me.
I have been getting on with life but feel as though this needs to be settled. I don't really want to call him but this seems ridiculous!
Should I just leave it alone or send him an email?
Thoughts?
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (15 October 2012):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am going to give it until the end of the week to see if I hear from him. If I don't, I have already written a letter to email to him. I would prefer to speak to him on the phone but he doesn't answer so an email will have to do!
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (14 October 2012):
 Hi
'I haven't heard from him since he left my town last Sunday'
'I tried to call him tonight and he didn't answer'
My thoughts - it's over.It is very hard to let go but I think you need to. x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 October 2012):
you are in love with what you want him to be and what you want the relationship to be.
while he has had a lot going on he's also making it clear you are not important enough to nurture the relationship. It may be due to depression in which case YOU can't fix him he has to fix himself. It may be due to laziness in which case that's an inherent personality trait that you can't really change.
It could be that after 6 months of "wow this may be it" he's seeing reality and is too chicken to tell you or just hopes that by ignoring you, you will go away.
when my husband and I were LDR (100 miles apart) at first we saw each other 1-2 times per month... that lasted 4 months and we realized we were going to be serious and then we saw each other pretty much every weekend after that... AND we had DAILY contact. Phone and email.... he's not a texter... I have friends that are LDR for two years now.. they just got married and will be LDR for another 3 years... they see each other 3 out of four weekends and they skype for two hours every night they are not together...
Folks who use the fact that they are not living in the same city as an excuse for not having contact with their partner, are just making excuses for bad behavior.
It is not your responsibility to take care of him or worry about him if you are ending it...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 October 2012):
I don't like that he does not have the courage to tell you exactly where you stand.
He is leaving you to just wonder.
He's running out of excuses.
You are NOT to be treated in such a cavalier manner.
He may be feeling distracted but it's not gentlemanly at all.
I can't see him changing for the better either. And this cannot go on.
All of us endure all manner of traumatic events in our lives. But normal courtesy should have resumed between you and him.
I now vote to move on. You have done your best and they way things are now you are not being treated well and he is taking you for granted. Yes it is sad, but if he going to treat you the way he has then he is not the man for you.
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (14 October 2012):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't heard from him since he left my town last Sunday.
I left my phone in his hire car and he had to send it back to me but he has know that I recieved it on Thursday afternoon.
i feel as though this has become a long distance booty call.
I need to do something here. I don't really want to break up with him but I feel like I need to ddoo something.
I tried to call him tonight but he didn't answer.
Any thoughts?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 October 2012):
 Yes, don't feel guilty- maybe I am being a b..h, but I find curious that due to his depression, he has not got the energy to buy you a birtday gift, or to visit you more often, but he still has the energy...to comment on each and any pair of boobs he comes across.
I just think that ... it first sizzled than fizzled ( how it happens quite often to all things that sizzle maybe a bit too early or to fast ). He lost "momentum " and now, without actually wanting to break up, he is just coasting along getting by with the bare minimum toward you. If you feel that's not enough and it won't make you happy , have no qualms. The ultimate betrayal is betraying yourself by accepting passively what you are unhappy with.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (13 October 2012):
Hi
You know you do not have to feel guilty about ending this.
He has been through divorce,a major life changer,he has lost his Dad,another major event.Hes moved house too.
None of these are your events, they are his.Add to that the pressure of LDR and it doesn't bode well.
He came for your birthday, treated you,he owed you that much for your patience and support even as a friend.
This situation is not making you happy, he has alot of baggage and its been just 6 months.You can only be so understanding, and if YOUR not happy its time to let go of him,to stop contacting him and move on.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 October 2012):
Hi
When people are Depressed and Grieving their bodies start to slow down like a clock that has not been wound.
They need to go through a healing process that may last 6 months, 12 months or longer.
They are less resilient when they are grieving. They are more sensitive and more easily overwhelmed.
This does affect how they interact with other people.
And you are being impacted by his grief.
Regards
Abella
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (13 October 2012):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know about the porn thing. It is a possiblility.I just get the feeling that he doesn't have the energy for me at the moment. That I am not a priority in his life. Maybe now that we have reached the 6 months point he is wonderng if he could do better or if he really wants to be with me. very saddening considering when we ment he thought that he had struck gold!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 October 2012):
i think explore with him, first, what other external pressures are on him. Things he may not want to share with you, but which may be affecting him.
Things like:
Has he developed a porn addiction that is very focused on women's boobs?
This is my top pick as the reason he is more distant.
Less likely but still possible, has he been suffering depression?
Would he consider visiting the doctor for a full check up? Is he not sleeping as well? Is he more easily distracted, does he forget things.
Far less likely: is there someone else he is interested in?
And has the distance resulted in him falling out of love with you?
Is he trying to be deliberately hurtful - ogling other women and all the boob comments - with a view to getting you to break up with him due to a weakness on his part - that is does he lack the courage to tell you the truth about why he wants to break up with you?
Guys (and some Girls also do this too) do this because they are weak, and because they want to act like the victim and go around saying, 'oh, isn't it mean, i did everything for her and she just broke up with me for no reason. I never saw it coming'
Then they get the sympathy vote from everyone, BUT they just forget to mention their OWN horrible actions that preceeded the girlfriend breaking up with them. It is gutless, backboneless behaviour on the part of the person who does this.
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (13 October 2012):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice.If he had not been through so much this year I would definately be considering breaking up with him. The thing is this: if I break up with him he may consider it as a huge betrayal because this is the time that he really needs someone BUT if I don't break up with him and things keep going this way he is not going to change his tune and appreciate me.Do you think that I should just tell him the way that I feel at the moment or give it some space?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 October 2012):
Long distance relationships do put so much added pressure on the relationship and six months is not long for any relationship. Fortunately for you he is generally a sweet guy. But he has faced a very sad and challenging year and may certainly still be grieving. The triple pressures of dealing with a divorce before he met you, losing his father and moving house, and ALL in one year means that his stress level is very high.
Most people are in a numb state straight they lose someone they love. But then they go through the stages of grief and some stages last longer than others. Your boyfriend, in particular, will find it harder to get through the grief of losing his father since he already has too much stress impacting on his life.
If his father had not passed away your boyfriend may have continued to visit you every 3-4 weeks. But grief takes a heavy toll. Many people are not themselves for 12 months, two years or even longer when they have unresolved grief. If he has not sought counselling for his grief then perhaps you could suggest it? Guys bottle up their grief and that is not good for them.
You demonstrated kind and understanding empathy by choosing instead to visit him. That was really appropriate. When people are grieving sometimes they just want silence. A good thing to tell a friend (as long as you will follow through on the promise, and truly mean what you tell him) is to let the grieving person know that, “if you ever want to talk, I will listen. Without judgement, without interruptions, without being shocked over anything you want to say or share with me. And what you tell me will go no further.”
Happy Birthday last weekend. I am truly sorry that it did not turn out as you expected. And it certainly demonstrates my rule, which is, “Do something good for you every day and you will know that one person who truly deserves to be treated well was treated well”
So I have to ask: I really truly hope that you did pick out a perfect extra special gift for you? I really recommend that you never forget to buy yourself something really nice for you for every Birthday and ever special occasion celebration (like Christmas). That way you are assured every time of receiving one really appropriate nice present. It saves the day if all else fails.
He may not be able to purchase a gift in the place where he works, especially if it is a very male dominated work site hundreds of miles from anywhere. And although I can recommend www.etsy.com as a perfect site for presents for girls who enjoy interesting handmade gifts – I will guess that he has never heard of the site. A LDR really makes it difficult to drop hints. And although he ought to be really into you, you have to face the bigger hurdle – that he is suffering right now.
But despite his own pressures, I am NOT letting him off completely. He most certainly could have arranged flowers at the airport. Airports usually always have gift shops. He would surely have been able to get your perfume even if he let the front desk know what he required. They could have easily delivered a boxed perfume nicely wrapped.
However grief does mean that things get forgotten. Concentration goes out the window.
I am glad that you enjoyed a dinner out.
But his distracted inappropriate behaviour as you left the place would have truly irritated me. At that point ‘straw’ is piling up but is not yet at a critical level.
Booking the hotel room was about his comfort and his enjoyment. He could manage to arrange that, but was too distracted to remember your birthday card (at least) and a well thought out nice present.
You woke up and what did he do?
He certainly did not even apologise for no Birthday Present.
I am not even going to let him off with a pathetic excuse such as “I forgot” as that would be too lame for words and unbelievable.
He knew it was your birthday. So was staying at the hotel supposed to be your present? How cheap of him.
But then he really had to ruin things by again raising his mammary glands obsession. Completely inappropriate comment on his part.
Still no guilt and no sorry that he has forgotten your birthday present.
Even worse he went to the shops and bought himself a present.
At this point I think I would be composing my “Dear John, it’s not working” letter. That was incredibly crass of him to again focus on what gives him pleasure, but forget your birthday. He is now being labelled as “selfish” and “mean” by me, despite the grief he is feeling right now.
I am glad you enjoyed the food festival. When you travelled from Point A to Point B on the way to the festival surely there was one shop open where he could have stopped to get you a birthday present? Because your remark, “BUT he didn't say earlier when we were looking at the shops that he wanted to buy me something for my birthday,” means that he was being false and a liar. He had NO intention of getting you a birthday present.
Does he want to look bad to you, so that you will walk out on him first? If yes then he is manipulative and “passive:aggressive” and you would better off without him, if the doctor agrees with your assessment .
Maybe his mind was on money this weekend. I am glad his Dad’s home sold. Maybe holding on to all his money is really important to him?
Because then he snapped. You may better protect yourself if you distance yourself from him for a little time. Then see how dedicated he is about chasing you.
If he does not chase you then you may need to consider breaking up with him.
He could not find a single thing in the gift shop? At this stage that may be a good thing. If he was intent on not spending more than a set amount then perhaps everything in the shop was too expensive. But I don’t think he tried hard enough. I don’t think he was motivated to buy you a present. And that is a bad sign. It is not the amount (even though he may think it is) the really important thing is how much thought went into a gift.
A gift purchased, without any thought about who you are and what you like, is really not worth giving.
Full marks for confronting him and asking, "are you testing the waters here? And it is normal and natural to express your feelings in a relationship. You did not have to hide your disappointment about the lack of a present. That disagreement was not resolved. So he made things worse the next morning.
Sadly this guy may lose you. Because he is demonstrating in so many ways that he is “Just not into you,” which is very sad.
His actions tell the story.
He was affectionate as he was looking forward to sex.
Some months ago he said he loved you. Though earlier, when he said that, he may have still been in “serious crush” territory.
Yes, I do think he is taking your for granted. You have been too accommodating. If he does give you a gift I do hope that you respond with great enthusiasm and praise. Perhaps he is having trouble ‘reading’ you?
Trust me - you know those girls who seem to have everything provided? Believe me they are not averse to a little pressure. Or a lot of pressure. Mention your birthday three weeks and two weeks and one week before your birthday. Talk to him about some things you truly love or like.
He may be so very depressed about all the things that have been not going well in his life this year that he is now starting to question the relationship with you. When in reality he just needs to visit the Doctor and discuss his feelings and get a referral to allow him to get some much needed counselling. He may not be himself. And being a recently divorced man he is not looking for a relationship with any hint of a demanding partner. So I can understand why you have tried to tip toe around his behaviour. He also probably misses his children. And may have other demands on his time and his finances by his ex. Plus he still has to find time to see his children.
As sweet as you think he is, he may not have the emotional resources within him right now to maintain a real relationship with a real woman.
I think you have showed him understanding and compassion. However he may need to convince you that he really cares. His actions define who he is.
Has he suggested you meet his chidren?
if he is serious then he will want you to meet his children.
Sweet words are not enough.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 October 2012):
Hi
As you say he has had alot to deal with,plus the house not fetching nearly as much as they thought.
He flew to see you,took you out,booked into a hotel for the night,spent quality time with you, all because it was your birthday. Sounds good enough to me.
As for the 'boob' comments it wasn't because he likes them.That was a bit out of order though.
I don't think he takes you for granted, I think he's just got alot on.However if YOU feel somethings changed or that you two have lost something,then its time to talk.
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