A
female
age
41-50,
*arleyandjam
writes:Met an american man while I was traveling in africa (i am canadian), dated him for 3 months, "just to have fun". I was 27 and a virgin with a couple of serious past boyfriends, he was 23 and a non-virgin with lots of casual making out/fooling around experiences, and one or two serious past girlfriends. We got attached. I lost my virginity to him. Neither of us were happy that I had to leave, but we promised to keep in touch. I promised to return in 7 months. One month later while being a house guest at my old house in africa, he takes my former housemate to her bedroom and asks to give her a massage, she refuses, tells me about it the next day, i cut contact with him. I was hurt that he would try it on with a friend in my old house. I decide not to go back and go back to school instead.2 months later we talk, he expresses his hurt at my having left. I express my hurt at his not being discreet. He wishes we could have been boyfriend/gilrfriend and asks if I could come in between during my breaks and we could try a real relationship. I agree to come at the end of my summer semester and stay for 3 weeks and see where things go. I pay for this trip myself. During this time period of waiting for me to come back to see if we could be together, he travels to a beach town with a girl and makes out with her etc. (no intercourse) I do not know about this at the time. We spend 3 amazing weeks together, he is super affectionate, holds my hand, reads to me, cooks for me ect. I return to canada. One day I initiate a talk about open relationships, he asks if I want to sleep with other men, I say no, I'm bringing it up because I'm wondering if he may want it, he replies he only wants to be with me. I say bye thinking we are not in an open relationship, he thinks we are, and during the next three months takes average advantage of it (no intercourse) without my knowledge. I am working and going to school full-time during the fall. We miss each other a lot. He asks if I could come and spend my winter semester with him in Africa. This is possible school-wise (I will do my courses online) but I must quit my job. I agree. We split the cost to the T - flight, rent, food, everything. We live together for 3.5 months. I get to know him very well, vice versa. He is extremely affectionate but I start becoming unhappy: it seems he only sees me as a good time, still. He tells me that 99% of relationships do not work out, and to not date losers after him. I then find out that he has been making out with other girls while I was gone, and when I am really hurt he says to me, shocked, perhaps even offended, "Do you want to marry me?". He says he must know if I am only dating him to marry him. I am shocked and hurt and tell him no, that is not my purpose. I leave to canada after the 3.5 months, he leaves a month later back to the US. I travel to the US to see him, I stay with him at his parents, who welcome me into their home very graciously. They also allow us to sleep together. He tells me one night that if I slept with other men it would not bother him at all and that he was so into non-monogamous women that he was going to find himself the biggest swinging woman ever. I am shocked. I say that my making up stories of being with other men to turn him on won't happen anymore because I feel like I cannot satisfy him anymore. He says he's not sure if it's what he really wants. I then ask why he cant say he loves me, he replies that we are not life partners nor is there the same level of trust in our relationship that he has with his family. I decide in my brain it's time to breakup but am too afraid of missing him to do anything. He leaves to Africa again. One month later he initiates a break-up because he cannot afford for me to come to Africa (we had planned that I would come for one month an we would split the cost) nor will he have time for me (even though he booked himself a leisure trip to India a few weeks earlier). I finally let out the hurt that I've felt for the past three months, he is completely shocked and upset that I would hide it. He says we were not on the same page (I wanted him to entertain the possibility for more, he wanted a relationship of fun) and that is a huge problem. We break up forever. We dont talk for two months. He emails me if we can talk, we talk, he is not doing well. I have already met someone else for "fun". He mentions the possibility of getting back together, i say not now, but i want to stay in touch. that was a month ago. Ever since then I have been constipated and nauseous. I know he wants to get back together if we are in the same city wen he gets back, meaning I move to where he lives because he will be doing a PhD at an Ivy league college, even though there is no other reason for me to go. I love him but want to build a life for myself with someone who cares more, and the US is too expensive for me. Does he sound like someone who could grow up and see me as someone he could build something with or should I just forget him altogether?
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a break, get back together, lost my virginity, period, swinging Reply to this Question
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female
reader, barleyandjam +, writes (10 September 2011):
barleyandjam is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to every single person who took the time to read and reply to this, you are all right, I knew it, felt it, but I needed to hear it I suppose from people who don't know me. Thank you so much.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): Sometimes when you are part of the problem its hard to see the solution. The man has shown time and time again that he has no intention of settling down, especially with you. Please move on, go onto grad school or whatever and find someone who wants you more. Trust me there are men who will want you more than this guy does. All credit to him, he did tell you that its all just a bit of fun and that you guys are not life partners.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 Please don't clutch at straws. He has amply shown, and said, and proved that you are not on the same page, that he does not want or see you being together in the long run, and that he is not Mr. Right for you, only Mr.Right Now. I don't see what else he could do to convince you about that.
If your wish is to build yourself a life with someone who cares more, do exactly that, and do not waste time or money in someone that obviously does not support this goal.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 Hi,I think he likes you and care about you as a friend, but I don't think he's ready for a committed relationship. This has nothing to do with you, meaning "good enough?" "love me enough ", etc. He's a young man, and I just think he's not ready to commit to you or anybody. Besides the commitment, the distance doesn't help either. LDR takes a lot strength, dedication, to make it work... It can happen, but it's difficult. I might be wrong, but I am just being honest and trying to help you. I see you are already attached to him, specially because he was your first. You will never forget him, and it's normal to have strong feelings, actually it's normal go be crazy in love with the 1st man you've been intimate with. Just do what you think is right. It's great to be in love, have someone in your life. Just be realistic about him, since he was your first, I don't want you to get hurt. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 The truth is told in actions, not words. Sorry. "One day I initiate a talk about open relationships, he asks if I want to sleep with other men, I say no, I'm bringing it up because I'm wondering if he may want it, he replies he only wants to be with me."He said he wanted only you. His actions say he wants to fool around with everyone he gets his hands on. His actions tell you he doesn't think you are special, so he can tell you he wants only you, and you'll believe it, and then he goes behind your back to fool around with others. That part tells me how much he actually cares for you, and how little he actually respects you. "when I am really hurt he says to me, shocked, perhaps even offended, "Do you want to marry me?". He says he must know if I am only dating him to marry him. I am shocked and hurt and tell him no, that is not my purpose. "What is your purpose? You want a serious relationship, he hasn't shown you that he wants a serious relationship, and he even gets "shocked" that you, like a normal person, would want one. Maybe you aren't experienced with relationships, but don't let him treat you like a fool. It is quite normal to want a monogamous relationship. In fact, that's what most people want. That's what you expect when you get intimate with someone, you expect exclusiveness. It is not weird, or shocking, for you to expect this. It is also not weird to expect this after he said he "only wants you" and he was the one who wanted to try at a "real" relationship. You're normal, ok? He's the one who's stringing you along by saying one thing while meaning another. But at least now you heard it from the lions mouth. He doesn't want a serious relationship: "he replies that we are not life partners ""Does he sound like someone who could grow up and see me as someone he could build something with"No. He wants you for fun and nothing else. He never wanted you for anything else, and he cheated on you numerous times. Intercourse or not, he can't be trusted on his word. If he was an honest person he would have been up front with you from the start. But then again, maybe he was, and you were just being naive like you are right now, thinking he might change, thinking there might be more.... when there isn't. He won't change. He doesn't want more. You need to tell him what you want, that you want a relationship, commitment, and a future together. When he can not give you that, you will look elsewhere and not be his booty call any more. Cut the contact with him and move on.
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A
male
reader, ryukage +, writes (10 September 2011):
 I don't think he's ready to commit to anyone yet. He hasn't been grown up emotionally yet to be ready for marriage.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (10 September 2011):
 'I decide not to go back and go back to school instead.' First paragraph, last sentence is where this story should have ended.So to answer your questions...no and yes.
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