A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Another day, another burning question.So I slept over my boyfriend's place last night and noticed the following:1) A note I had sent him back in January that he has kept on his fridge is no longer there2) A picture of us that he had as his work Blackberry screensaver is no longer there (but he still has a picture of us on his personal Blackberry screensaver) - no, I did NOT snoop. He showed them to me. 3) At the end of last month, he confessed to me that he has been having problems getting IT up for the past couple of years. Before he told me, we were doing IT once a week (usually on Sunday mornings). Now that I've moved out, I sleep over at his place once a week and we have yet to do IT ever since his confession. It's always "no, not tonight".I'm just super confused right now as to what's going on. I mean...he does show me he cares in other ways (e.g. holding hands, kissing, preparing me lunches, introduces me to his closest friends, etc.). But I also feel bad about myself when he rejects my advances in bed. I also feel bad because I was staring at his fridge last night while he was in the washroom...and I was just trying to figure out what happened. He came out and I totally jumped and tried to play it cool...but I'm thinking that he suspects that I'm snooping now. What should I do? Should I let this one go? He has been good to me otherwise. Blah. Please help :(
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male
reader, grubbyduckling  +, writes (30 May 2010):
Hi! You're trying to find a reason why you might be to blame for his change in attitude about your relationship. Don't! One thing I've learned about relationships is this: you can only really rely on what someone else thinks/feels about things by what they tell you to be true. Things get mucky when you start to interpret their behavior, because people compare what they'd do in any given situation to what their partner might do; we're all different people with different motivations. If he told you that it's his lack of commitment to the relationship that's preventing you two from going further, you can choose to either trust that he's being honest or not being honest with you.
In the end, from what you've shared, it sounds like the change solely had to do with him; not with anything you did or could have done knowingly. That might become more clear as you gain more emotional distance from this situation.
As for being without any sense of support network since your break-up, I'm sorry for that. If you need to move home to be with friends and family, it could only be a positive thing. Just make sure you have the closure you need to let him go once and for all before you go. It will make moving-on that much easier.
xoxo take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry - just got to this! Thanks for the well wishes.
The past week has definitely been emotionally/mentally/physically challenging. I keep asking myself if I was solely responsible for the break up.
Did I put too much pressure on him when I told him that I'm a monogamous dater?
When we hung out the night before the break-up, and I looked at his refrigerator door to see if my love note was still there, did he see me and thought that it was the last straw?
When I asked him if he wanted to make love and he said 'not tonight' for the third week in a row, was that the breaking point for him?
When I bought him flowers that last night...when I told him that I was really excited to go away for the long weekend with him...were these just too much for him?
He told me that it's his lack of commitment to a relationship right now that's preventing him from going further. Is this true? Was this just a cover-up so that we didn't have to get into the whole 'looking at the fridge door' thing? Did he even suspect me doing that - I kinda jumped?
I have so many questions running through my head...and I feel so empty and abandoned and restless :(
I moved here a couple of months ago to be with this guy, who I thought I had great potential with. I uprooted and left my life/family/friends back hom to be with this guy. I don't have any close friends here...and I just want to cry and move back. Why can't everything be the same as it was in the beginning of this relationship?
:(
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A
female
reader, OlKit  +, writes (19 May 2010):
i think if he's confessed to you that he's having problems getting it up, that's a good thing. He obviously wants you to be involved and to know what's going on with him. I think it's likely that this is also the reason that he's putting off sex - perhaps he's afraid that he won't be able to perform. Could you talk to him about this issue? Maybe reassure him that it doesn't matter if he can't get it up, that you'd like to be intimate together anyway - you could cuddle and kiss, without being goal-orientated. If you can be intimate without the pressure of him having to get it up, if you can remove that pressure by just being intimate with each other, maybe he'll feel more comfortable. Tell him that you feel rejected, and that you still want to be intimate.As for the note having gone, and the screensaver being changed - don't worry. It's a guy thing. I send my boyfriend all sorts of notes and gifts, and all of them end up chucked in drawers. It annoys me and sometimes upsets me, but I know deep down that he doesn't mean anything by it. Guys just aren't as sentimental as girls about these things. And if he's still being romantic in other ways, which you say he is, then i think it's nothing to worry about. If it does bother you that much though, maybe mention casually, 'Oh, that note's gone ...'I think you should talk to him and reassure him, and hopefully you can sort it out. Good luck.
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