A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm a little lost as to just what this man wants,well for starters he is married and we have been having an affair for many years, but he is in a very high profile job and he sometimes has to work 70hours a week so we don't get to see a lot of each other sometimes .many times i have tried to end this even though i love him deeply,i'm not sure if he loves me as he won't ever say,but everytime i try to end it he tells me if i do he will be devestated.I don't know what to do I feel as though I want someone in my life that loves me and have a normal relationship with'but i just can't seem to let this man go,if he doesn't love me why then would he be devestated if i left.he could get other women if he wanted to so why won't he let me go.does he love me and just won't tell me or has he some other reason for this strange behaviour.Our affair has been going on for 20yrs.your advice would be appreciated please no criticism.thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): If you have been together for 20 years then yes he has love for you. The fact that he hasn't traded you in for a younger model is evidence of that. Not all men are created equal and only you can decide whether piece of this one is better than the whole of any other man you're likely to get.
As to why he would be devastated: men who keep one or more long term mistresses do so largely because it augments our (already usually over-developed) sense of power and importance. Being the most important man in one woman's life doesn't feel like enough we want to be the most important man in two or more women's lives. If you were to leave him then you would pop that bubble and hence his pain.
Therefore... if you want to leave but you really love him and don't want him to feel pain then:
1. tell him that now that you are getting older you need to find someone that you can grow old with but that there will never be another man in your life that will mean as much to you as he does.
2. Stay in touch from time to time, very discreetly. Specifically ask him for advice on financial and other matters. Make him feel that you are still his woman and he is still your protector even though you are no longer in a physical relationship.
3. Bless him to move on and find a younger model who can fill your shoes.
99% of people who read this will think that either ridiculous or disgusting to pander to this man in this way but it is your life and your relationship and if you love him this is the way out that will meet his needs.
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female
reader, sultana  +, writes (30 May 2009):
ahhh, there is something wrong with my computer...or with me. Sorry. My answers were posted...although i wasn't finished yet.
anyway, lover and i have agreed to cool off for 3 months and see where everything goes. It was not easy to convince him and I don't know if we can pull it off because I have broken up with him many times but we just keep on getting back together. It is really hard for me to cut off ties with him, very hard but at this point, i really don't want any more complications.
I really don't know if I am making any sense here.
Thank you for writing. I really appreciate it.
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reader, Lilly Rose  +, writes (30 May 2009):
 20 years.......how can you carry on like this? Surely hes got the best of both worlds....you need to leave him and then if he thinks your worth it and loves you like you love him then he would leave his wife....don't waste anymore of your life or love on this man....he has no respect for you or his wife as this has gone on for way to long......be with someone who can be 100% sures! Life is to short to waste on a married man!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): Please just end it, walk away and don't look back. 20 years of your life is a very, very long time. He will be devastatesd??What about you? It's more than about time to think about yourself,about your future. You can do it. Make that move. Good luck.
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male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (30 May 2009):
 Oh please!No criticism? Then why the hell are you posting? That's the risk you take coming here and me happening upon this post.Lets take a look at this honestly(because you need a dose of reality). Not only are you an accomplice to cheating for 20 years plus (reprehensible in every sense of the word, you should be ashamed of yourself),. but you think this guy loves you? Yeah he might, but if he is so high profile why hasnt he traded you in for a newer model...Powerful men discard women like yesterday's trash. He doesent have to becuase he knows you will listen to the "devastated man story" over and over and you cave.You think he would ever leave his wife? If he is so powerful he couldn't risk it. It would devastate his standing in his field and/or publicly. But yet I am sure you have enjoyed many of the financial benefits of your Sugar Daddy...thats the reason you don't up and leave.So now you have bad feelings becuase you have participated in this charade for 20 years and now you feel unloved?Cheaters and their accomplices have little disregard fort anyone but themselves, and apparently you have a 20 year track record of this behavior.Why dont you use the one last bit of integrity you have and do the right thing and just walk away? Because HE will be devastated? NO!Because you will not have that powerful man anymore...You say you don't want criticism, And it is nothing personal against you, but your selfishness is appalling.You owe it to yourself to be able to have a life independent of this guy. You have been fooling yourself for 20 years...It may not have been what you wanted to hear...ITS WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR!End this farce and leave with at least one shred of dignity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): Hi -
ok a couple of things here worry me. you say affair, do you mean it in a third part of a triangle type thing or as a polite way of saying a relationship?
if its the affair - well i am sorry to say this but you are always going to be second best. You deserve more than that. He is not that into you if he cant commit as fully as you can. I would say drop him and find someone to love you who is really into you. (I guess below applies as well here)
if its the relationship one - then you have to say "hey mister what is going on? either we commit or i walk " - it is up to you - how do you see this in another 20 years? i think you could still be waiting and hoping. you know the right thing here for you is to let him go.
good luck,
Hugs star.x.
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female
reader, LizaA +, writes (30 May 2009):
You have been together for 20 years, yet he has not left his wife.He must love his wife more then he loves you, so let go and meet someone else... Stop being fixated on a man who has spent the last 20 years making you his 2nd best woman and not the first woman in his life.Leave him... If he does love you, he will leave his wife to be with you, if he loves his wife more, get out of the picture and let the poor woman have her husband to herself as it should have been from the start without you in the picture.You got involved with a married man - what did you honestly expect to come from this, and 20 years down the line, what do you expect from this now?
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