A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I seperated mainly due to growing apart over the years. We were more like buddies and although we had a solid sex life , he was always using porn behind my back when we had agreed this would not be part of relationship and he would stare at women very often when we were out. He never complimented me and I oftbe felt he was not really attracted to me Over the course of our seperation we dated and spent time hanging out . He was more open ( although i have no idea about the porn as we live separately ) We are supposed to br reconciling however he seems only semi interested . I mean he turns up and we go out . He even complimented me twice by calling me beautiful but it seems very much his heart is not in it and I know if I ask him he will just say he loves me and don't be silly What is wrong with me ? Why is this not enough for me? It's likely at my age that I will never meet someone who is better as he is a decent person and lives me in his own way . There is zero passion and I strongly suspect he is back into the porn again . I really don't know what to do. What do I say to him? How do I find out whether he truly lives me or I am just a convenience to him so he doesn't have the mess of divorcr and starting again
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 May 2015):
 I sense that you no longer love your husband and want out but don't want to be the one to end it. Too Bad.
You want out, then end the marriage. If you want more than he can give you then end the marriage.
If you want a man who does not use porn, he's not your guy.
if you want a man who compliments you and you believe it, he's not your guy.
don't settle. there is no need.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 May 2015):
 If you were honest with him and tell him, you want to get back to him because there is no one better and you are getting old, that's not a romantic, passionate thing to say either.
You are waiting for him to work his way up to convince you to move back in with him. He's waiting for you to make a decision, whether there is greener grass or is it better to divorce.
Watching porn does not mean you are not beautiful. The danger of using the threat, "I am breaking up if you don't stop porn" is that you can't follow through because the love is not negated by usage of porn.
Now is not a time to feel passion. Your idea is to start over fresh, but it can never be like at the beginning, like a first date. Because he might feel like it's a less than 50/50 chance of you coming back, so that could deter him from trying hard. A chance of failure could also stop anyone from being passionate.
If he's really serious about you he would stop the porn. I know, you are not willing to take the risk to move back with him then find out he's watching porn again. You would feel like an idiot. I don't know if you could put parental control on his computer. Does he even understand that you can't feel passionate knowing that he's staring at younger women on the computer? Does he really have to be told? Or is he just stubborn and inconsiderate?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 May 2015):
I don’t know what you do. You say he doesn’t compliment you, but don’t seem to take him seriously when he does. Maybe the lack of interest exists on both sides more than you perhaps realise. The fact is, if you’re not prepared to take him at his word and appreciate the effort when he does go out of his way to show that he does appreciate you and doesn’t take you for granted, I can’t see how you’re going to get to the next step of talking openly and honestly with each other about how things can change on both sides to make it work after the reconciliation. Sorry to say it but it sounds like too much water under the bridge. Only you will know if you can start trusting in the sincerity of what he says and does. If you can’t, I think you’ll need to be honest with him about the need to wish each other well and move on.
I wish you all the very best.
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