A
female
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anonymous
writes:I've seen this guy around town for a number of years, and I've always had a crush on him but never really met him, formally. I learned not too long ago, that he and his g/f had split up and he wasn't seeing anyone for the past 2 yrs. Since he used to go to my church, I e-mailed him to say "hi". He e-mailed back right away and we started chatting. He was very open about his life, his kids, his hobbies etc. and seemed to enjoy e-mailing me. I got the impression he was kind of starving for female companionship; there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't hear from him and he was always so sweet and funny in his messages to me, but not flirty or sexual in any way. Pretty soon, we started going to lunch, and sometimes out have a drink after work. On his birthday, four months later I took him to lunch and he invited me over that evening to practice some music together. (We're both musicians). I went not thinking much about it, just enjoying his company alot. He made us a drink and we did indeed practice some songs together. He was showing me some chords when he suddenly put his arms around me from behind, and moved them up my arms and across my breasts. I melted. Then he placed both hands on my shoulders, spun me around and planted a kiss on my lips. Well of course, one thing led to another and we had sex that night. It was kind of awkward at first because it was so unexpected, and he had a hard time keeping an erection but I think he was just nervous, as it had been 2 yrs. since he'd been with anyone. I figured it was just a fling, but he continued to email me and wanted to see me every day. The next time we had sex it was better, and got better after that but we don't have sex every time we're together either. He has never really told me how he feels about me, though he did ask me one day if I felt like this was a fling, or a relationship, and without answering his question, I turned the tables on him and asked him the same thing. He said "relationship, definitely"...He seems to enjoy my company, he emails me alot during the day, calls me for lunch, and when he knows I'm getting off work early, he takes off too, so we can spend time together. I think he's falling in love with me, though just won't say it, and he swears that it takes years to get to know someone and actually fall in love. I know I love him already and we've only been together 8 months. I also know he's been hurt in the past and has 2 college-aged kids to think about right now. Does he love me and he's just afraid to say so? He's really been wonderful to be around and now he's wanting me to move in with him, but I still don't hear the "L" word so it feels weird to move in together when I still don't really know exactly how he feels about me.Is this common in relationships now? I haven't dated in 15 yrs. due to being married. I hope I'm not just being used for sex.....What do you guys think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): i think well from my experiance this is quite common ive been dating a guy for over 2 months now things are pretty serious between us but hes yet to say the L word weve discussed asll sorts of things about our future but evry tym i mention the L word he goes quiet i think men are afraid and automatically think that as soon as the dreaded L word is mentioned things will go wrong in my opinion actions speak louder than words he probably does love you but is scared to say it although from a womans point of view it is nice to hyear it
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): It's rough to be feeling those feelings towards someonen and want to feel that they are being returned in earnest, but not getting that validation.
It sounds to me like this man is rather afraid of "commitment". Not in the sense of a physical commitment, but rather the emotional side. The fact that he will not utter those words yet, tells us that he is being "cautious" of that kind of a commitment. It may be due to his past and his previous experiences and he's being "guarded".
The fact that he's asked you to move in with him is a "small step" in the idea that he'd like the relationship to move to the next level, but he's not willing to go the distance in terms of letting out fully his emotional side as it may leave him (in his mind), vulnerable.
In essence, he seems to be saying that he's wanting the next level in all that he's doing, including asking you to move in with him. That's not necessarily condusive to someone who simply want's sex. That can be done without the "move-in", can't it?
HOWEVER, I'd say that you have to be careful in what it is that YOU want and need. I think that it's important for you to ask yourself if you, personally, want to take the chance on your own emotional "vulnerability" in taking this chance of moving in with him, without getting the emotional end of things validated for yourself. Do you handle the prospect that perhaps, this many may NEVER be able to give you those words or that validation for certain? He may not be able to give that to you. Are you satisfied with "assuming" through is actions that it's there?
The mere fact that he's said that love takes years, may mean that you may be uncertain how he truly feels for years or perhaps, he may never come to that point. Are you ok with assuming what he feels or may not feel? I think if you can answer those questions for yourself, you may find your answer as to what to do about his question of moving in....that is.....if you haven't already figured it out by now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): Well, This is very common.Just keep on going as you are and if you get more interested just ask him if he does. If he wont tell you, you should ask. Then you might get a possitive answer.Or just tell him how you feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): I've been seeing this guy for about 3 motnhs. i think i may be falling in love with him but im not cmpletly sure. he asked me the other day and i said no because i was to afraid to say yes. i also asked him and he said no but he "really likes me alot" but i think he may also love me but is just o afraid to say it. for a moment i thought maybe he was using me for the sex, but thats not all we do. we have so much fun together. we go out on dates and he pays and we go out pretty often. we spen days at a time together, and i sleep at his house alot. he treats me great and i just wanna know how he's feeling. any advice?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 August 2007):
 From what I read, I can have no doubts: this man loves you. He's all over you! When he asked you how you saw the relationship, he wanted to know whether he was going strong with you or not. You say you don't know exactly how he feels about you because he said love takes years; but, don't forget he said you were "relationship, definitely". That pretty much says it all. On top of that, do you think he would want you to move in with him if he didn't want a relationship with you?
You're obviosly not being used, madam. I say, go for him. He's giving you a lot. If he ever feels he's just the giver and he will never get anything, you'll lose this man.
Go for him!
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A
female
reader, Helen Help! :)  +, writes (1 August 2007):
 I think its probably fair to say that he does love you with wat you have said so dont have doubts in your mind about that, he'll say it one day he will when hes ready just give him time i no 8 months is a long time theres something jus stopping him sayin those words but u no he does n thats all that matters. have u ever asked him if he loves you? with how close you seem to be i dont see why u cant ask him if he gets cranky tho jus leave him unless its really really botherin u him not sayin it then u should let him no. but hearin the words i love u too many times a day doesnt make it special its probably jus nice to hear it once in a while but like u say uve not heard it yet so have a think about a chat with him or simply jus give him time. good luck :)
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