A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:dear aunts. I have been with my partner for four years. Three years ago he proposed to me and it was like a dream come true. We had a rough time after that with him losing his home etc. I also suspected cheating although he never admitted it. I had proof but ignored it as thought it may have had something to do with the stress. I now am back in my home of which he left some time ago and he wants to next year look at motio in together again. However he now says the engagement was only between us and he doesnt wish to marry. During our last four years i also had an abortion which he made me get saying it was not the right time. Now though it looks as if he doesnt want any kids together. We both have and he said recently if house we got was smaller my teenage daughter could share with his four year old? I said no.My question is, am i being used? Does he want me just to pay half the bills? Why has he said the engagement wasn't real? I fear i've wasted my time. Thank you x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): So now you live in your own place, without him, and you turned down the idea of getting a place to share. Did he ask why you did not want to find a home together?He let you know that he has changed his mind on how he saw your relationship (marriage and kids). If that is what you really want out of life, then you are not going to find it with him. You might have wasted your time, but did you learn anything from that time and become a better person? Then No, you did not waste your time. You can walk on into the next part of your life a little wiser!
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (29 October 2011):
I totally think you're wasting your time on this guy!
I think you want different things than he does and that will never work. You want to get married, he doesn't. You may want to have more children, he doesn't. I also think he just doesn't have the same goals/dreams in life that you have as far as having a happy and loving home.
I can't answer whether or not he's using you to help pay for half the bills, but he's definitely taking you for granted and not making you happy.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 October 2011):
 Hmmm I think it's a case of 'he knows you are on the hook and he can now change the rules as often as he wants to suit himself and he absolutely knows you won't do anything because you are scared of losing him'
It's fair enough if he doesn't want anymore children but you would have thought he might discuss it with you sensitively. The engagement/marriage thing sounds very much like he has promised but can not now follow through.
You can't really do anything to change him but you can examine how this is affecting you and what your level of happiness is.
Does he make you feel loved ? (this is a primary requirement in a relationship)
Does he make you feel secure?
Are any of his selfish actions justified or is he pushing aside what is important to you?
You have been with this guy for four years, how much has the relationship progressed?
It isn't too late to get out if things are dying but you may as well give him the chance to redeem himself if he knows you are thinking of heading for the door. A word of warning:
Don't threaten to leave unless you absolutely intend to follow through if he doesn't shape up. That would involve asking him to leave (if you own the house).
Lay your cards on the table and let him know that you aren't happy. You may still be able to work things out but don't stay with him if he has no intention to respect and love you.
Good Luck x
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