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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok I've had advice from friends and family and just still feel confused.....Ok here's the dilema- I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5yrs, we always spoke about settling down marriage, kids etc but he seems to be a commitment phobe. Anyway 2 years ago I got pregnant and after heavy influence from him I had an abortion- after which he promised he would never put me through another abortion- well surprise surprise I find out I'm pregnant and he has a bad reaction to it saying that I've stressed HIM out with the news and then says he cant see me for the next few days (which I struggled with as we were away from home at the time travelling through Australia and I felt alone) and he didnt call me or come and see me for 4 days since the news saying he was stressed. When he turned up he basically told me he didnt want the baby and when I told him I couldnt have an abortion and was going to keep the child he then broke up with me saying he didnt think we were going to work and he had been having doubts about us anway -although 4 days prior literally minutes before we took the test he was telling me how much he loved me(but he still had commitment issues i.e he was hesitant to live together etc- long story and a whole different post) and be very affectionate towards me and wanting to cuddle and hug. Well since the pregnancy news he went to stay with a friend and became really distant and cold to me, no longer acting like a boyfriend not calling me etc and when he did see me saying to me that I shouldnt do it to him- when he had no problem during the baby making process.Anyway after getting tired of his BS, I booked an immediate flight back home to the UK.....and suddenly now that I've left he is hounding me, calling me, e-mailing- saying that he wants to know how I am (but asks nothing about the pregancy- doesnt mention a thing) ...but I dont understand- why is he calling me if we have split up?And then 2 weeks after I left he calls me saying he will support me whatever I choose to do and wants to be there for me, a few days later he calls to tell me life is too short and he just wants to tell me how much he misses me and that he loves me so much....which just messes with my head because he broke up with me before I left. When I say to him if he wants to be there for me he has to be ready to grow up and prioritise the more important things in life (he is 29 and only concerned with excessive partying, drinking, recreational drugs and he just follows what his friends does and likes being the 'legend' among his friends).....after I tell him if he wants to be there he has to mature he tells me I must have got the wrong idea and that him saying he loves and misses me is genuine, 'he hasnt ruled out getting back together but its unlikely'...so i was like ok and felt it was too painful to continue talking everyday and removed him of my facebook and tried to block general contact with him (im 2 months preggers constantly sick, feel alone- he's half way round the world and I just couldnt handle feeling hurt by him and then alone)- and he was upset i blocked him saying that its too hard for him to not be intouch with me cos he cares about me too much......His actions dont make sense to me? What does he want? He doesnt want to be with me but he wants to be in touch and tells me he loves me-but wants to be single....i just dont know what he is thinking...any viewpoints? Should I stay in touch? Do you think he'll come back? Does he deserve for me to wait for him? I feel like he has seeked his freedom at a time where getting involved with anyone else will be tricky-with me being pregnant and at least if he told me before the news I would have thought he's singledom was genuine but it didnt.....but then then he cant leave me be? Whats going on?
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female
reader, xxlilxbutterflyxx  +, writes (12 April 2010):
Set your boundaries with him, your having a baby and you dont need stress. YOU should be the one telling him- to put a ring on your finger before your babys born or its over. If he is the one you want to spend your life with he'll make a decision- even if that decision means him facing his fears. You need a father to your child, to look after you and the baby, think to yourself- do you really want to be one of those mother's were her child see's his dad once every couple of months.
Many men get scared at the idea of settling down, because it means they have to grow up! If your having the baby I suggest you stay in touch, unless you dont want your baby to know his father. Do YOU love him? Its not about him being commitment-phobic, its your choice. Yes it will have a big impact on you and the baby's future, but if you are going to make the decision do it before things get more out of hand. You have many options, none of them wrong.
I hope all goes well for you. from the lil butterfly =]
A
female
reader, CherryBoom  +, writes (12 April 2010):
i can understand that you feel hurt and are wishing for him to be with you, since it is your baby. but from the description you provided, it doesn't seem like he will 'mature up' in time.
you should start thinking of yourself. you need to focus on yourself and your baby that is on it's way. this boyfriend of yours is just messing around with your head and emotions. to be honest i think that he is afraid of what lies ahead of him (commitment, baby) and he is dragging you along. the fact that you mentioned him taking drugs doesn't put him in a good light.
do you seriously want to raise a child with someone who takes drugs??????
i'm not suggesting you to cut off all ties with him but to tell him where you stand and that he should respect your decision and if he wants to be in the picture he needs to prove it to you and your baby. if he doesn't want it then move on, for the sake of your baby!
going back to him won't do you any good, because he will leave you confused and hurt again and that is not what you want for yourself.
just concentrate on your pregnancy and surround yourself with your family and friends who will support you.
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