A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help me!I was just wondering, does anyone know if guys compare their current girlfriends to their exes?My boyfriend swears that he only has eyes for me and that before he met me he couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life with anyone but I know that he was with his last girlfriend for 4 years and on Valentine's day I found a box of old cards and notes and photos of her. He told me that he didn't know that they were there and he threw them out claiming that they were meaningless to him. He also had her number on his cell which he has now deleted. I DO believe him but now that I've seen her and I know that someone else said the same things to him that i tell him everyday I can't help constantly comparing myself to her and wondering if he's doing the same. It's driving me crazy!!I know this is my problem and not his but I can't stop the constant mental torture, it's like a broken tape. She was the total opposite to me, I'm tall, skinny and brunette and she's short, chubby and blonde and I can't help feeling that this is what he wants and I am just second best because he can't be with her. Does anyone out there have any advice to control the madness??!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): Yes they do. But its not as black and white as you think. Let me explain to you how its done. So if he thought he was inlove with his ex girlfriend, after they break up, in his mind she becomes the standard by which he judges other girls. Not because she is better than other girls but because he doesn't know anything else. She's all he's known for four years.
And this doesn't necessarily mean its all in her favor. For instance, she might be the standard by which he wants to avoid altogether. So in that case he would judge girls based on his ex only to avoid anybody who might remind him of her. Not because he loves her but only because he doesn't love her and doesn't want to end up with a girl like her. See what I'm saying.
And even if he broke up with her, and held her as a good standard and hopes to meet a girl that was like her, this is a standard you can so easily take the place of and surpass. Here's a little analogy. Just think of a guy who lives in a small rural town his whole life without much exposure, and he thinks that a Honda Accord is a real fancy car. Clearly he thinks this because everybody else drives pick up trucks and so the Accord is the fanciest he's ever seen in that town. So in his mind, the Accord becomes the standard of what he associates with fancy. But say the town is undergoing alot of gentrification, and so you move to town in your more universally-considered fancy Porsche. Now that he has seen a Porsche, all of a sudden the Accord doesn't seem fancy at all. In fact, he can't understand how he ever thought that. Now his new standard of fancy for sure is the Porsche. You get it?
If he meets you and you blow his mind, he will immediately forget her and even question what he ever saw in her. And immediately you will replace the old girl and become the new standard. From then on its up to you to leave good impressions of yourself (as an individual and in relation to other women) in his mind.
So the bottom line is, you have not a single thing to worry about for two reasons. 1) By how you describe his actions and how he treats you, this guy DEFINITELY loves you, girl. You have nothing to worry about. And 2) If he loves you, which is clear that he does, that means that you have already taken the place of his ex as the standard by which he judges girls. You are that girl. He loves you. That's all there is to it.
He just had that stuff cause he forgot to throw it away. But as soon as you saw it he acted quickly and threw it out and deleted numbers and tried to make you happy. That shows that he really really cares. Believe me he LOVES YOU. Enjoy it and don't be paranoid.
A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (21 February 2008):
Hi,
Your anguish comes through in your question and I would like to help if I can.
First of all dealing with the phone number. It is quite common to transfer numbers from one cell to another when changing numbers. Often the mobile provider will do this service for you automatically. In my own case I kept my ex's number on my cell phone for several years afterwards for a totally different reason. She was someone I never wanted to speak to again and so if she called me (which she did at least a few times a year for the first few years) I wanted my phone to identify the number for me so that I could ignore it. When a period of time had gone by with no calls then I deleted it. I also know that my mobile has numbers on it that relate to business associates some of which I have not seen or spoken to for years. I really should delete them but to clean up what is by now hundreds of numbers in my cell phone would be quite a job.
The old cards and letters. This is slightly different. Is your BF a hoarder, a squirrel? If so then he probably doesn't throw much of anything out and hangs onto stuff for no apparent reason beyond being too lazy to sort it all out. Again this is a common male characteristic but not universal. The fact that he threw them out without complaint seems to support that he really had just forgotten. I have just moved house after 12 years and have been staggered by the things I have found which I completely forgot about. I guess the timing of your find is even worse than what it was.
Now down to the real detail. You spend a lot of time thinking that she once said to him what you now say. Well that might not actually be the case, or only partially. Whatever it was she did say is in the past and of no account now. Nothing you or he can change that. What would be worse would be if you tries to get him to remember what she said to him. Apart from making it seem like he was in the wrong for even thinking of having a relationship before you, it is just plain wrong and not healthy. It would or could end up driving a wedge between you and this is not what you want.
What you can be sure of is that he is with you and not her. It is you who tells him how you feel every day. It is you who gives him a cuddle at night as you go to sleep. It is you who gets all close and personal with him during those intimate times. You are the here and now. When you strip for him it is your body he sees and your soft words of love and lust he hears. Yours is the first face he sees in the morning and the first greeting he hears when he gets home. You are the heart inside the house he calls home. Nothing in his past can ever compete with that. Only if you let the past into your mind so that you stop doing all those little things he fell in love with in the first place, will that heart in the place called home ever go away - and that is not under his control and not under her control, but totally under yours.
Do not fall into the trap of trying to make physical comparisons between you and her. I have been in love with short plump and tall skinny women and each was different and each had their own charm. If I am not in a relationship and someone asked me to describe my ideal she would probably be in between somewhere. So this is not something for you to worry about.
Do not worry about someone in his past because you are his present and it is his present that will become his future if you are patient and give it a chance.
Just be you and keep on loving the guy every way you know how. Tell him and show him and allow him to do the same to you. Do not push him away emotionally.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): I think it's a little natural to compare your girlfriend to your ex, but not in a bad way, just in a way that anybody would. Have you ever seen two good looking guys in the street, and tried to decide who you think is nicer looking? You know you could never have them, and you're not trying to, it's just innocent thoughts. This is probably a lot like what he may (or may not!) be doing. It's just natural for a little bit of comparing, of one girlfriend to another, but I doubt he's wishing he had her, although this is not unusual for you to think this. Maybe talk to him about it? I'm sure he could ressure you and calm your worries :] good luck.
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