A
female
age
26-29,
*onfused...
writes:Hi, i'm moving to high school next year, problem is my parent's want me to study in Europe but i don't want to! What should i do??? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (21 February 2008):
At the end of the day you have very little choice in the matter but you can choose how to deal with it and how to discuss it with your parents.
In my work I am often asked to identify problems and as part of that I try to also identify a solution to propose to my boss. Now he may not always agree with my solution but if I always have one to suggest for each problem then quite often he will both listen and use my solution.
It is kind of like that with your parents. If they are like most parents they will be far more willing to listen to a reasoned and adult like discussion rather than impassioned protests from a child. I suggest you do the following:
1) Write down two lists. Both relating to your parents perspective. One list is arguments in favour of them sending you to school and the other is a list of arguments against. Remember these lists are from your parents point of view.
2) Now write down two more lists, these from your perspective. Again one list is arguments in favour (and be fair on this and try to look for good reasons for you), and the other is arguments against.
3) Review all lists and update with any changed or new ideas no matter which side they are on.
4) Now on each list draw a line under and add a new dimension - one from the point of view of you staying to go to school somewhere that you would like (locally at home, or wherever) and also consider it from your parents perspective for and against and your perspective for and against.
5) Now review all lists and remove any argument or reason this is childish and immature (this is hard even for an adult so do not despair)
By now you will have spent some time on this and possibly over a few days or even a few weeks. Do not worry, it takes as long as it takes to do a good job.
Now write a letter to your parents. Make it a little bit like a letter and a little bit like a speech. It is your debate about where you would prefer to go to school and why. Make reference to the lists but do not review them in total, just the important 2 or 3 points in each position. Once this is written, practice it in front of the mirror because you need to tell this to your parents personally and a bit or practice will help your confidence.
The last bit may seem like the hardest but is actually much easier because of what you have done before.
Invite your parents to a little meeting where you will present this speech and the lists. Tell them at the beginning that you are asking them to please let you finish what you have prepared before they comment or add remarks and that you would like them to not make a decision straight away but to think about both what you have said and how you have worked to prepare it.
Now give the speech.
At the end, ask them if they have any questions about things you have said which they would like you to explain further. This will almost be like a business meeting but the purpose is to show your parents that you are growing up into young lady and that they can stop thinking about you as a little girl but as a young woman who can be involved in some decisions. (of course you do not actually say this - just imply it from the way you have prepared and presented without tears drama and childish temper.)
Then when any questions have been answered, give each of your parents a copy of all the lists and the letter/speech (do some photocopying with your pocket money or write it out by hand or on your computer it does not matter. Do make sure you have signed the letter something like "your loving daughter..." or other similar words you would use.
Ask you parent nicely to please think about everything you have said and the things you have all discussed and to let you know their decision when they have had time to reflect and consider it. Assure them that whatever they decide you will respect their decision even if it is a hard one for you. (Please note - if you do not mean this then do not say it. Parents have a surprising BS detector when it comes to their children's sincerity.) Be graceful in your approach, adult in your self control and I would recommend that you ask them nicely that if they do decide against your preference could they please explain why as you would really like to understand.
I know this all seems like a lot for a child of your age but many children have show great maturity under extreme conditions over the years and even if your parents do not agree with your arguments and are not persuaded by them, you will have increased their respect for you and that may help in the future.
There is a saying that many adults like to quote to children which is basically "If you want to be treated like a child, act like one, if you want to be treated like an adult, then act like an adult." In this if you act like an adult, there is no guarantee that you will persuade them, but you will earn more respect as a young adult and that is always worth it.
I wish you good luck and hope that whatever the result you learn to be happy with it and have a good life.
Take care.
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