A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex boyfriend and i broke up at the beginning of july of this year, and since he broke up with me he has still been telling me that he loves me, i am still in love with him, but hes confusing me, i dont know if hes just using me or if he actually means it, is there any way that you can actually tell if a guy does love you and want you ? or if they are actually using you?.. The other day we were hanging out and he told me that hes sorry for everything that he has done wrong, i told him to stop saying sorry and that im over it and that i love him and dont want to lose him. My birthday was July 29th and he texted me saying happy birthday and i replyd back saying thanks and asking how he was, he never replied as usual, he tends to ignore me alot and then apologize after a day or two, i than texted him asking how come he says he loves me but he ended the relationship he replied and said because it wasnt the same anymore. i understood that because i agreed it wasnt the same but i still loved him. but when we were hanging out i told him that i was confused with the whole situation and he got mad and asked what i was confused about and i told him that i was confused about him telling me he loves me but than telling me he doesnt want to be with me. I Dont Understand that?!. How can two people Love eachother but than he doesnt want to be with me ?!. it doesnt make sence. Am i Missing something ? is he just using me? or does he actually love me ?
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female
reader, iloveblue +, writes (4 August 2011):
 I have heard so many stories like this and had my own experience too. There is only one thing I can say..the no contact rule is just the best thing in all break-ups. You know why?
1. This will clear both of your minds from the break-up.
2. This could help you realize what you really mean to each other or if your relationship is worth a try again.
3. If the relationship has no hopes, this could aid in your struggle to move on.
4. This could prevent both of you from feeding each other the wrong notions and thus prevent you from hurting each other more. No blaming that he used you or you used him.
The no contact rule is really helpful whether you want each other back or no. And belive me, me and my friends have experienced extending communication after the break-up and it only lengthened the agony of the break-up. As for me, it had span for 1 year after the break-up and the last time, I decided to stop it all coz we grew to hate each other. If we stopped contact after the mutual break-up, we would have broken up in good terms with no hurt feelings. But we extended it until we so hated each other and it destroyed everyhting nice that we have left for each other.
I am not saying your case is the same as mine but it will most probably end like this, like what my friends had too, like a lot of people at dearcupid have experienced.
My advise is, propose to your ex the no contact rule. And tell him, if he wants you back officially, thats where he can talk to you again. No bargain. If not, atleast you know where you stand and you wont have to guess or wait. In this way, you are sure if he indeed loves you or is using you.
I wish I had known this before. But I had learned my lesson. Don't worry about the pain, no break-up is not painful. Everyone will definitely go through the heartbreaking stage, the "missing stage". It's very normal.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey, i would just like to thank you guys for the advice, and to one of the responses we were dating for 5 months, but he still tells me every knw and then that he wishes it was more. Im going to try my best to do as you guys have told me to do but its hard for me to not tell him that i love him. He broke up with me at the beginning of july and the first month anniversary type thing he gave me his necklace that has centimental value to him, and i tryed to give it back to him the other day but he wouldnt take it back, he wants me to keep it because he still loves me. So what am i supose to do, its so hard to ignore him, weve grown up together too. Im pretty sure this is going to be harder than i thought it would ever be.
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A
female
reader, loveisaverb15  +, writes (4 August 2011):
I completely understand where you are coming from. It is so confusing when a guy claims that he loves you but he doesn't want to be with you. Maybe he has commitment issues and you just never knew it. How long were you guys together? I say that you forget him and move on. It would be the best for you. I only say that because he is probably saying all of those things to you to keep you attached to him so he can come back to you whenever he feels like it. And because he knows you still love him, he knows that you're not going to say no to him. From what you're saying, that is exactly what it sounds like. You better let go and move on before he does and you're still in love with him and wondering how come he's not texting you anymore.
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A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (4 August 2011):
 He may still love you but there are times where a relationship isn't the best thing to keep two people together. I am confused on why you say he may be using you. This would imply he is gaining something out of this like sex or another physical gain. From what you have said he is telling how he feels maybe in hopes that something would happen where he could use you but not at this. Also if the is sex involved then a person can not be used if they also want it.
To me it sounds like he wants you to know that he cares even though he doesn't want a relationship. Be careful though not to fall for his love stories though just to have sex with him. If he does want to get back together he will be willing to wait for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): Hey!
I was in a very similar situation not too long back. My boyfriend and I broke up, and for a whole month afterward, he told me he still loved me, kissed me, cuddled with me, took me out on dates, etc. I was the one who broke up with him, but I went back a week later and said I made a mistake. He said he still loved me, but wasn't sure if we should become an official couple again. He would lead me on and be lovey dovey with me one day, and then the next not want to talk to me at all. I think this is what experts call "The Rubber-Band Theory." It's a technique people use when they still care about somebody, but are unsure of what they really want, and go back and forth with their feelings. This means that he still thinks about you, and is trying to figure out whether he truly wants you or not, which means not all hope is lost. But also, keep in mind to not be completely fooled. In my situation, after a whole month of going back and forth, he told me he loved me and was ready to get back together with me, and then the very next day told me he could never love me again and I needed to get the idea of us ever being together again out of my head. We haven't spoken or seen each other since. I think the best advice I can give to you, is to tell you to give him some time and space. Leave him alone for a while and don't overwhelm him with how you feel and how much you want to know how he feels. Use the "no-contact" rule for a while, and give him some time to clear his mind and actually see what his life is like without you. He might even start to miss you and want you back. Remember, boys can be really stupid sometimes, and not all hope is lost, but don't place all your hope on getting back together, because sometimes, like in my situation, it will backfire. I hope this helped! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): You're seeing things as black and white. Either he should want to be in a relationship with you, or he should want nothing to do with you. but in reality it's somewhere in between. He obviously still appreciates your good qualities. but that doesn't mean he wants to continue the romantic relationship because of 'other stuff.'
this is the problem with staying friends and hanging out together immediately after a break up. Feelings and emotions are still raw so it's confusing for both people. you can't just abruptly take a relationship down one notch just like that.
maybe should cut off all contact with each other for some time, until you've both moved on long into the future and had time to get over each other. then you can explore being just friends again.
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