A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ok, so i have been seeing this guy for two months. the first week i met him, we saw each other three or four times and spent many hours together. our first date was planned at 8pm, and included dinner, and then we stayed out all night for drinks. our second and third dates were up near his house (about 45 minutes away) at a less nice bar, and included long walks and making out. so far he has never called me on the phone and only texts me, (usually around 4 in the morning (we are both serious night owls) maybe once a night, maybe every other night. i have also never been to his house, although i've suggested it a few times. i even asked him if he was married. he says he does not date more than one girl at a time, he's not married, and he texts because he is always at work and hates calling there. this seems to be true- he works between 14-18 hours a day. i'm actually not kidding- he is involved in a startup company. he says he only sleeps 4 hours a night. he plays sports on a team three times a week. after our initial dates, we finally slept together on the 5th, and then we both were travelling and didn't see each other for three weeks. now we see each other about once a week, he always comes to me, we go out for drinks, we sleep together, and then he goes home around 4am (again, we're night owls). it would be awkward for him to stay since i live with my mother (I'm 28, no I'm not lame). he has met one of my good friends, and acted nicely. i told him i couldn't tell if he was interested in me considering we don't speak much and he's never available, and he said he does like me even "a lot" and that he is interested or he wouldn't see me. he also said that he can't change his work situation for a while (no days off, odd hours, never knowing when he's free) and he understands if that bothers me. so i'm guessing this has been an issue for him before? is he weird about the phone? does any of this make any sense? why hasn't he invited me to his house? how do i invite myself there without seeming psycho? i even made a fake account to look him up on the dating site we met on, and it says he has logged in only once or less in the past month, so i know he's not trolling for girls. is he married? autistic? it seems like he's an all work kind of guy and doesn't hang out with friends much, or they all work together. i just don't know what to make of the situation. if he really wasn't interested in me, wouldn't he be online looking for other girls to date? i was dating other guys for a while, but stopped because i really do like him. and he says he likes me, and if he didn't he wouldn't see me. but i am looking for a relationship, and i'd like to see someone at least twice a week or more. i'd like to spend time together and plan things, but he literally can't. so of course i need to figure out if that's something i could deal with. however, it's very hard with men to gauge if i tell him i need more (like he has to call me sometimes, or be more communicative), or want to see him more, will i scare him away?i can't figure out if i'm letting him walk on me, if he's waiting for me to step up and make demands, or if he really truly just can't make the time but does like me, or if he's "ick" married. why doesn't he invite me over? should i 1- just let things casually play out and hope i don't waste my time and heart2- wait until our next date and ask him what he wants out of seeing me3- tell him that i want a relationship and would like to see him more and maybe he could call me? how do i tell him what i want without scaring him away? ps- i even didn't write him for several days, and told him he didn't seem interested in me, and he seemed baffled and defensive, so i've already gone the slightly crazy route. if i didn't like him so damn much, i wouldn't put up with this crap. also, i dated several other men, and didn't like any of them. help!
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female
reader, adoresdior +, writes (27 September 2011):
I'm reply to your update I think the next time you see him just be like " so I really like you a lot, so I'm curious to as where we stand relationship wise. I don't want to waste my time if this isn't really going anywhere. I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you but the longer this proceeds I'm going to have stronger feelings for you, so I want to know how you feel about us" something like that and just see what he says. Don't sound mad or pushy about it , just geunine. As soon as you guys start talking about it everything to say will come natural. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all so much, i think everyone has good points. so my final question is: how do i have the talk with him to let him know that i either need more, or i'm going to walk? i mean, literally, how should i phrase it so that i don't seem demanding or like a "desperate" woman? quite literally, i am asking for sentences, because i'm not good at figuring out how to put things.... you guys are all awesome! xo,m
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): I was recently in the same mess. I wasted 6 months of my precious time for nothing. He is stringing you along until he finds someone he's really into. I'm sorry but you should move on. I lost an opportunity with a better person because of a selfish jerk who didn't have the courage to say, Hey but I'm not that into you or end things in an open and honest manner. If you were his dream girl, he wouldn't risk losing you. It stinks to be stuck in a situation like this but it happens. End things on your terms before he does. You'll feel worse if he ends things. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): Take it from a guy who has done this before...
"He's just not THAT into you"
You will satisfy his needs...for now, until someone he has a genuine interest in comes along.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Hello,
It seems he does the minimum effort with you and gets sex when you meet. It doesn't seem he wants to put too much into furthering the relationship beyond sex I'm afraid.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Yes... he's interested in you... AS THE GIRL HE CAN HAVE SEX WITH!!!.... and who he can avoid, otherwise....
That's a dream arrangement for most guys..... But it's often difficult to find a woman - such as you - who will put up with it....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, adoresdior +, writes (22 September 2011):
sounds like a waste of time. You may really like him but that can't be the only thing to in account for. With how things are right now, is this seriously someone you want to be in a relationship with? You want to be with someone who doesn't have time for you? All I know is if a really wants something (ie.. See you or talk to you) they will..no matter... Or they make excuses. I think the talking at 4 am is really weird... Like he can't talk to you during normal hours of the day? What does he think you are? I think you need to set some boundaries. And I think he can find 10 fifteen mins out of his day to call you and just say hi? Like really? I think you should talk to him about this like what he wants out of this and make sure he doesn't say that he wants to be with you and then keep doing what he's doing. If he's not fulfilling what you want move on there's tons of guys out there that can give you want you need. He seems like he's hiding a lot from you and not being completely honest.
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