A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi. I'm 32, was married for 12 years, no kids. my marriage was always troubled from the beginning and I did everything I could to make it work, went to marriage counseling, but my husband just didn't cooperate and so long ago I gave up and just resigned myself to live in a loveless and in fact hurtful marriage because I didn't believe in divorce. I sacrificed having kids because of this, I know better than to bring kids into this kind of a home. This has been a loss that has been hard to endure.I am now going through a divorce, it is soon to be finalized. but what prompted it was my affair. And I am wondering what to do about my affair, whether it has the potential to become a real relationship or not.About 3 years ago I fell in love with a friend. we had been friends for several years and are so alike and compatible. He was also in a rocky relationship that he wanted to exit but couldn't because she threatened him with all kinds of things if he were to ever leave her so he stayed with her out of fear and obligation while harboring deep resentments toward her and trying to avoid being around her. their relationship has thus been like my marriage.We tried to stop ourselves falling in love but just couldn't because we believe we were meant to be, even though we know it's wrong. We desperately wished the situation was different but understood each other about being trapped by obligation in loveless relationships and thus never asked each other directly to leave those relationships, only hinted in vague terms.However, we have often over the years expressed our intense desire to be together for real, but never actually coming out and making plans. For example we always say to each other "I wish we could be together for real" or "I want so much to spend the rest of my life with you" or "I wish we were married". But we would leave it at that and not take the obvious next step of asking well, should we do anything concrete to make it happen? Because we both know we are trapped in other relationships out of obligation. I however was slowly going through an inner process of finally deciding to leave my marriage because it was loveless and it's wrong to be having an affair. And I truly believed that we were meant to be together. Deciding to divorce is never easy even when your marriage is bad especially when the marriage has been going on a long time, so it took me 2 years to make the decision. Finally about a year ago I started divorce proceedings.But I didn't share with him about my decision making process (throughout the 2 years I was agonizing about it), because I didn't want to be manipulative. All the signals he was giving me - verbal and physical - made me believe he was going through the same inner process as me and I was so sure he would break up with her eventually since he continued to show stress and resentment toward her.But instead, he married her! While still carrying on our affair!! she finally demanded marriage and as with everything else he didn't have the guts to say no for fear of what she would do if she didn't get her way, but he was very sad about "having" to marry her as the next necessary step in the trajectory of their relationship.I tried to walk away from him. I kept my distance for a few months thinking he really didn't love me after all since he married her. But he kept reaching out to me as if nothing had changed. Even after she got pregnant he continued to reach out to me and so we went back to seeing each other in secret as if nothing changed between us (if anything he seemed more desperately wishing he could be with me and that things were different). but I was feeling more and more guilty. I got rid of one guilt cos I was going through a divorce, but now he was expecting a baby! what was he thinking! Again he continued to express lots of resentment at his situation of being married and trapped in that marriage now with a baby even more so (from his perspective the baby was an accident).One day it slipped out in conversation that I was now going through a divorce. He looked stunned and then he became very uncharacteristically happy but as always we did not talk about it, but he just seemed very happy. This was when his wife was about 7 months pregnant.I then thought that perhaps seeing me take this bold concrete step made the option of us getting together for real suddenly realistic and viable to him, so maybe he was seriously thinking of doing the same in the future. Maybe that's why he was so happy? I knew that with a baby to not expect him to leave his wife anytime soon. But I was still wondering if he might finally leave her in the future given his ongoing unchanging negative attitudes toward his marriage (and the pregnancy) as well as his unchanging desire to be with me. I thought that if he truly resents his marriage and truly wanting to be with me as much as he has always given me the impression of, then shouldn't we all just come clean and be honest even if it means reorganizing everyone's life in a new way, rather than bringing a baby into a house of lies?? His baby was finally born recently. I was the first person he called (after immediate family) and invited over to meet his new baby. I've met his wife a couple of times, she thinks we are just friends and I feel so guilty around her that's why I don't want to be in this affair anymore. I don't know how he can stand to have me in the same room as his wife and baby, what is going on in his head?? I can't tolerate this situation anymore, I want to come clean and live honestly that is why I'm going through a divorce now and hoping he would also come clean and do the same.Anyway, I've only seen him once since his baby was born, at his house with his wife. It was the day they came home from the hospital. For all the negativity he had toward the pregnancy, now he is completely in love with his new baby, as he should be and I'm glad for him that he has found new meaning and new joy in his life. I've never seen him so happy as when he was holding his newborn baby, it was so sweet but it really took me by surprise. I expected him to bond with his baby and love his child, but I didn't expect THIS intensity.I haven't seen or spoken to him since that day because I'm now completely confused about his feelings and attitudes toward me now and thus am keeping my distance. I was planning, once my divorce is finalized, to finally come out and just directly ask him if he would ever consider leaving his wife so we can finally be together (I would never ask him to even think about leaving his child) since as recently as the day before his baby was born he was still being resentful toward his situation.But now that it seems he has really fallen in love with his baby, has he changed completely?? If he has in fact changed completely then I do not want to come between him and his newfound happiness and I will keep my mouth shut and try once again to quietly walk away from him even though my heart is broken.But if he would still want to be with me despite having a baby (since leaving his wife does NOT mean leaving his child), isn't it better to finally come clean and be honest and open about that so everyone can face the real truth head on and make adjustments rather than living in a web of lies??what should I do? Ask him? say nothing but pretend nothing has changed? just quietly distance myself without saying anything?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): I think it's possible he really didn't want to marry her. People get married for stupid reasons - pressure, obligation, insecurity...not every person's decision to marry is based on real desire to be with the partner! look at the high divorce rate!
If it's true he married due to pressure while already resenting her and wanting you, it's a bad foundation for the marriage. Is it any surprise he would cheat on her? he never respected her from the start. It's too bad a baby was brought into this marriage.
He may be very happy with his new baby and becoming a dad, but sooner or later the "high" that new parents feel will get tempered by the pre existing marital problems. and in addition to his previous reasons for feeling trapped in his relationship now he also may feel trapped to stay for the sake of his child.
You had the courage to leave your bad marriage, and you had the wisdom to have not brought children into your unhappy marriage. Having liberated yourself you can see with clarity that he is in a bad situation and you want to impose on him your philosophy of just facing the harsh reality and doing away with the lies. But he probably, judging from his history, can't or doesn't want to face reality, he wants to keep up the act because he's built his new family on it and they don't know it. He may think he's protecting them when in fact he's deceiving them. you try to inspire him to be honest and leave he'll likely end up resenting you too for making him even more uncomfortable and conflicted and scared than he already is.
You should walk away. You are newly single and not tied down by children so you are completely free to find a new healthier relationship. you can wipe your hands clean of this situation, no strings attached, and come out unscathed save for a broken heart (which will heal in time). In the future you will look back on this period of your life and shake your head and heave a sigh of relief.
He on the other hand, is truly trapped in the mess. He built a new family on a web of lies because he was too cowardly to be honest and take personal responsibility. And if he continues to stay his lies will forever stay with him. You do not want this man, you should feel sorry for him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): Do not come between him and his newfound happiness. He was SINGLE during your affair and MARRIED while it was still going on. Look at this situation clearly and see the truths that lie in it.
Despite the fact that you believe you are meant to be together, the two of you obviously did not feel comfortable enough with one another to speak openly and honestly about yourselves, your intentions, and your relationship status. Divorcing without telling him? Marrying his girlfriend without telling you? What seems so terribly wrong with this situation?
You have created a false dynamic fueled by his lying. Plain and simple. His marrying his girlfriend and fathering a child were not actions against his will. You state that he was basically threatened into marriage, the baby was a mistake etc... If you had won him and he turned around and cheated on you... I wonder what story he'd tell the next woman in line?
It seems pretty obvious. He'd sell you the swampland and you'd buy it. Well, you bought it alright. But what I do not understand is why on earth you would do something so utterly horrific as to visit their marital home the day after she gave birth? How could you do such a thing? Remember karma is a bitch.... You have been screwing her husband and you had the audacity of entering their home? I won't even address his sickness in inviting you. It is abhorrent.
This prize of a man is what you seek? I hope his wife never finds out because her heart would be broken. No new mother deserves that. Go find your own man and if you want a baby... then go ahead and have one. Don't eat off of someone else's plate. Get your own. And, while you're at it, get professional help to guide you through the labyrinth of self deception you've been weaving (with his help).
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (13 November 2010):
 The child is an extension of his wife. He loves the wife as much as the child, DESPITE what he's been telling you.
He's fooled you my dear. He wanted to get married, he wanted to make a baby and he wants to stay in this marriage. You're the fool in all this.
You've let yourself be manipulated and convinced that his marriage with his wife was a false arrangement - him being made to stay with her, marry her, have sex with her, etc... No one made this man do anything he didn't want to do. He's doing exactly what he wants - the sex/fun/relationship on the side AND the woman thats worthy to have his child/marriage status/ access to finances.
You're just the mistress and thats all you'll end up being if you continue with this arrangement. Walk away and find a man that can be 100% yours.
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A
male
reader, Net Rider +, writes (13 November 2010):
What a mess!! First a couple of basic rules: 1) never, ever leave a relationship for another. It's a prescription for disaster. 2) Woman up!!!
He's trapped but he loves his kid. Leave him alone. He darn sure doesn't need the conflict or distraction.
Congrats on leaving your lousy marriage. No one wants a divorce but when a marriage isn't working and one of the partners won't work to fix it, it's time to leave. So get out on your own, take the time and therapy to heal, and get your life alone squared away.
Then, and only then, start looking for someone if that's what you decide you want. Until your friend has a finalized divorce you two are off limits to each other. If he needs to leave his marriage, see rule #1: he needs to leave because he needs to leave, not for you.
Best of luck!
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