A
female
age
26-29,
*ittlemisshelpful
writes:So I've recently lost my virginity to my lovely boyfriend, and we have sex when we can but we both have house mates which makes the situation slightly awkward! He made my first time great, and although it was still uncomfortable, he was very sweet and loving. I've had sex 4 times now, so I'm by no means even starting to comprehend everything that comes (ha) with it. My question is simply, apart from him being sweet the first time, ever since, I can't say I find much enjoyment from sex? I don't find it to be as stimulating as when my boyfriend will finger me or go down on me, and a lot of the time, I can't actually feel a whole lot. It feels nice, don't get me wrong... But it doesn't feel like I'll be orgasming any time soon.From someone who waited until the age of 21 (due to earlier religious beliefs) I can't help but feel slightly disappointed. The only real thing i get out of it is the emotional connection with the man I love. Does sex improve over time? Would it help if I were to go on top? (We've only done missionary so far), am I too inexperienced to go on top? What can we do to help this?Thanks!
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male
reader, RevMick +, writes (25 April 2014):
 Hi,Thank you for the great question. Penetrative sex (penis in vagina) is normally more pleasurable for the man that the woman I would say.What makes it into making love instead of just sex is the added attention. It may be a great start to both of you just exploring where on each of your bodies your erogenous zones are (The bits that get you excited).For instance, my partner is sensitive around the side of the breast under her arms. So just by running a finger, licking etc over those area's during foreplay helps to build her towards an orgasm.I understand that it is very daunting, even just taking your clothes off with a new partner (your mind goes over all the negatives that you see, negatives that your partner doesn't even notice). Some women worry about their boob size, their thighs etc.As individuals we are always our own worst critic. Just take your time and explore what you like and what you don't like. That way you can grow together and experiment.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 I have to agree with SVC on it getting better as you age. You learn what works for you and you have the self-confidence and wisdom to ask for it in a mutually satisfying way.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2014):
 If by SEX you mean penis in vagina... then yeah... for MANY women, there is really not much to it... I enjoy it because the man I love is enjoying it but orgasms are not going to happen from straight penetration.
For it to be a good happy session for both I want foreplay and oral sex too.... different positions help
and i hate to say it but as you age it will get better and better...for many women sex is not great till about age 35..
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2014):
Just let him know that you're a clit stim girl like he's a penis stim boy. That will probably get the point across in a very specific way. :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2014):
I think the thing that will help you understand this is basic sexual anatomy. And perhaps how fetal cells differentiate into specific functions.
First of all, you experience an emotional connection when you are having penis-in-vagina (PIV) sexual intercourse, which is a good thing. Enjoy that, be close, have that moment.
So, going now to why you don't feel stimulated enough during that PIV sexual intercourse, well, the fact of your anatomy is likely that you just don't get enough stimulation to reach orgasm during PIV sexual intercourse.
The image which may help explain it to a man is to look at the anatomy. The vagina is not an inside out penis. The closest thing to a penis in a woman is the clitoris. They are made from the same cells, when the fetus gets the cellular differentiation signals, the penis and the clitoris have the same start. The vagina and the scrotum have similar starts.
Now we are learning all sorts of new things about the clitoris and how deep it actually and its anatomy. It kind of freaks me out that we have been this clueless about it for so many year, anyhoo, the way to explain it to your man would be to ask him if he'd be able to reach orgasm if only his scrotum was stimulated. If his penis had little or only incidental stimulation, would he be able to get to that moment of sexual buildup leading to orgasm?
Probably not.
So, if you point out that your clitoris is your equivalent to his penis, your sexual center, and your vagina is like his scrotum…. then stimulating the vagina feels good and is nice and can in a small subset of women lead to orgasm (about one in four) but isn't going to rock your boat the same way as penile stimulation feels to him.
Can you reach orgasm by yourself? If yes, show him how that works for you.
If not, well, then it's time to spend some time with your man or yourself in private and see how your own sexual response is wired.
There is no right/wrong good/bad. If you can't reach orgasm through PIV sexual intercourse you are not broken, nor is there something wrong with you. It just means that your particular anatomy is like most women and you need a different type of stimulation.
Porn has a lot to answer for in this regard, the man just has to whip out his penis, she moans and then about a dozen thrusts of his penis are enough to make her melt down with sexual ecstasy. It's a nice thought but it's not a documentary. The whole point of porn is to sell a product to a customer. The primary customer of porn is male…. well, you get the point, it is not a good teaching tool nor is it an accurate depiction of female sexuality.
Work out what works for you. Show him what that looks like.
Do not feel bad that PIV sexual intercourse isn't working for you. Remember that your clitoris is like his penis. If you were to ignore the penis would he reach orgasm? Ok, now you have your teaching point.
Good luck and have a lot of fun figuring it out!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): You're probably just a clit stim girl like most women or it's only been 4 times and you have no idea what you're doing yet. Most women don't orgasm from penetration, OP. They need clitoral stimulation too, so just use your fingers while he's inside you to make things more fun until you get the hang of having sex. But be prepared that you may never find penetration on its own does the trick. Most women just can't orgasm that way but it doesn't matter as long as you can orgasm, it just means he either has to do it before/after or you have to stimulate your clit while you're having sex. Keep trying different positions and stuff.
And yes, you going on top and controlling the motion, angle and depth does stand a better chance of it happening.
Be gentle and well lubed when you try it though, OP, if he has a foreskin accidents can easily happen, very painful accidents.
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